Which Hideous Congressmembers Sent Dick Pics To Cassidy Hutchinson? Was It All Of Them, Katie?
We love a good sexxxy sexxx scandal. This ain't that.
Okay, fess up, congressional Republicans: Which one of you was sending peener pics to Cassidy Hutchinson around the time she was testifying against Orange Julius Caesar to the committee investigating the January 6 attack?
Oh, several of you? As in, more than one? How many more? Two? Seven? The entire House Oversight Committee? Just how horned up are all of you saggy-balled old perverts? Was Madison Cawthorn — MADISON CAWTHORN — telling the truth for the only time in his life when he claimed that as a freshman MAGA freak legislator, his fellow representatives kept inviting him to cocaine orgies?
Okay, that last one we have always believed.
Wonkette readers may recall that during the last Congress, the Republicans set up a couple of investigations of the Democrat-led (but still bipartisan!) January 6 investigation that had led to the public first hearing from Hutchinson in 2022.
One investigation-into-the-investigation was led by Rep. Barry Loudermilk, an annoying idiot with an unfortunate resemblance to a penis wearing a toupee. Loudermilk was already mad at the January 6 committee for proving that he had given a tour of the Capitol to a bunch of insurrectionists on January 5 so they would know where they were going when they broke into the building the next day. Oops!
The Washington Post reported on Thursday that last year, Loudermilk was floating the idea of sending Hutchinson a subpoena to retell her story to Congress about how, as a top aide to White House chief of staff Mark Meadows, she witnessed Donald Trump wishing for and trying to gin up an armed mob to march on the Capitol and stop the certification of Joe Biden’s victory.
Presumably, Loudermilk was hoping to catch Hutchinson in a lie, or get a chance to portray her as some sort of career-climbing Jezebel, or whatever else he could think of to discredit her earlier testimony.
But then, an aide to current House Speaker Mike Johnson told Loudermilk and his staff they might want to hold off on that subpoena, lest the public learn that elected members of Congress had been bombarding Hutchinson, a woman in her mid-20s, with texts asking her if maybe when this whole “the president committed treason” thing was over, they could get together for a drink and some boning:
[A] Johnson aide told Loudermilk’s staff that multiple colleagues had raised concerns with the speaker’s office about the potential for public disclosure of “sexual texts from members who were trying to engage in sexual favors” with Hutchinson, according to correspondence produced at the time that detailed the conversation.
Another Johnson aide told Loudermilk’s staff in an email that the texts could “potentially reveal embarrassing information.” Which only makes us want to see if these texts contained dick pics even more, if only to prove our suspicion that multiple Republican congressmen are hung like tsetse flies.
The Post admits it has not seen the texts, which only leaves so many, many more questions. Such as, did the texts contain dick pics? How many texts from how many different congressmen? (Or even women, we’re open-minded!) And which congressmen? Matt Gaetz would be an obvious suspect, but maybe there is someone less obvious, such as … actually no, everyone in the GOP caucus would be suspect, if only because they might have thought they were protecting their Great Leader.
Were the people who sent the texts simply hitting on Hutchinson? (“Hey, I saw you testifying in front of Congress about our president committing treason, and I really liked your vibe.”) Were they offering sexual favors if she would just ix-nay on the president trying to overthrow the elected overnment-gay? How explicit were they? Awkward old man explicit, or, like, Penthouse Forum levels of explicit? Or were they more literary, like they came out of a Ken Follett novel?
Yr Wonkette thinks it is important that we know more about the sexual epistolary talents of these weirdos, since our suspicion is that the next time any of them actually touch a woman will be the first time.
Most importantly, as quite a few people asked online, were these texts actually rape threats? Even if they were not explicit, did they leave the impression of being threatening? And how come we are only hearing about them now? Even if the January 6 committee knew about them at the time but didn’t make them public, Hutchinson has since written an entire book about what happened. Why didn’t she reveal the existence of the texts, at least, even while leaving out the names of the congressional members who, uh, may have sent her pictures of their congressional members?
We are purely speculating here, as it would be irresponsible not to, but Hutchinson may have hung on to those texts as a hedge against getting called to testify again. Last year’s threat passed unmentioned, but then the Republicans kept control (barely) of the House in November’s elections. On Wednesday, Johnson named Loudermilk as chair of a subcommittee to continue his investigation from the last Congress. And on Thursday, boom, someone is leaking to The Washington Post and perhaps sending a message that Republicans might want to be careful about once again opening this can of worms.
As for Hutchinson, her lawyer issued a statement that did not acknowledge the existence of the texts, but simply restated that the former aide had testified truthfully and stood by every word “despite the efforts of men in powerful positions to attack her.”
We hope we haven’t heard the last of this story. If congressional Republicans are going to help Trump roll back the 20th century in every way imaginable, we should at least get to laugh at their gross pickup lines and tiny peeners as we slide into the abyss.
We can’t crack wise about congressional peeners without the generous support of our fans!
Someone on the Bluesky was speculating that MAGA DC is held together entirely by sex pests with blackmail material on each other. I'm saying that sounds about right, to be honest.
A few years back, we had a student assistant who worked as a Congressional page - nice guy from a respectable rich, but not obscenely rich, northeastern family that had some connections.
In a conversation with some of us one day that touched on his work with Congress, he noted that he'd gotten sexual explicit emails from male Republican members of the House. And this was a few years after the Mark Foley scandal.
I have no doubt Cassidy got messages like this.