Will History's Greatest Monster Tim Walz Survive This Shocking Accusation From Own Brother?
Will History's Greatest Monster Tim Walz Survive This Shocking Accusation From Own Brother?
It's bad. REAL bad. Wait, did we say 'bad'?
You have to feel something for the poor rightwing opposition researchers who keep hoping they’ll turn up something so scandalous about Tim Walz that he’ll be forced to drop out of the campaign, or at least have the decency to lose to the effervescent, wholesome JD Vance and his brain calipers. Sadly, the latest hope for Walz-haters has come crashing down, too. We are feeling something about this, and it would best be described as “giggly.”
You see, Walz’s estranged older brother Jeff — they haven’t spoken in eight years, apparently because Jeff went all MAGAcrazy and Tim didn’t have any taste for Flavor-Aid — last week took to Facebook and teased some big revelations about Tim, as reported by the New York Post.
Jeff Walz made clear that he is “100% opposed to all his [Tim’s] ideology,” claiming very non-specifically, “The stories I could tell. Not the type of character you want making decisions about your future.” Jeff Walz also suggested he might have to endorse Donald Trump, as if that could even hope to clear the family name of its communist taint. The older Walz brother also declined to take question from Rupert Murdoch’s organ.
Donald Trump thought it had to be something big, saying on his fake Twitter substitute that Jeff Walz “Sounds like a great guy!”
Sadly, after a week of wingnuts salivating over what the stories he could tell them might include — satanic blood rituals? Admissions of vote rigging? A shocking attempted cow-tipping incident? — Jeff Walz finally came forward with the dirt on his brother, which is that during childhood summer vacation trips, Tim sometimes got carsick and barfed on his siblings in the family station wagon.
Yes, really, that’s all. Here’s video of the messy gotcha, as Jeff told it to NewsNation:
In a 15-minute EXCLUSIVE phone interview, Jeff Walz said he stood by his vague but definitely negative assessment of his brother’s character and politics, but said that hold on now, he was only talking to his Facebook friends and curious acquaintances about how terrible Tim is, so they wouldn’t think Jeff was polluted by his suddenly famous brother.
“It wasn’t my intent, it wasn’t our intent as a family, to put something out there to influence the general public,” Walz told the network.
“I used Facebook, which wasn’t the right platform to do that,” he went on. “But I will say, I don’t agree with his policies.”
And those stories he could tell were more like something from the boys’ conversations in Stand By Me, not QAnon:
The stories I said I was referencing, I’ll give you one example. […] My little brother, when we were younger, we would go on family trips and in a station wagon. And the thing was, nobody wanted to sit with him, because he had car sickness and would always throw up on us.
That sort of thing. There’s really nothing else hidden behind there. People are assuming something else.
Well damn, that’s some truly … nothing … not damaging information at all. Did Tim Walz even have any shocking opinions on, say, whether any flavor of Pez outclasses cherry?
As for whether Walz has the intestinal fortitude necessary to fly around on Air Force Two or go toe to toe with the Russkies in nuclear negotiations, we can only assume he no longer gets motion sickness, or has discovered Dramamine, as indicated by this video of him and his daughter Hope going on a vomitrocket ride at the Minnesota State Fair last year.
Of course, maybe Walz and the Harris campaign edited out a scene of him staggering off the ride and into some bushes to hurl. We bet that suppressed footage exists, and that Ben Shapiro or Matt Walsh will pay $50,000 to whoever can come up with it!!!!
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No flavor of Pez is better than RED!
Q.E.D.
Lemon Pez > all other Pez