Wonkette’s 2023 Legislative Shitheel Is/Was His Teenage Son’s No-Porning Accountabili-buddy, Isn’t That Sick?
Fuuuucking creep.
In normal times 2023’s Wonkette Legislative Shitheel would have been sewn up months ago, either by Alabama Republican Senator Tommy Tuberville, with his anti-abortion campaign to throatbang American national security and the US military, or by House Oversight Committee Chair James Comer, with his endless Biden-scandal-inventing quest for Hunter’s great big penis.
But then right at the last minute, another even creepier, more dangerous dude blew past those guys. At the end of the MAGA Republicans’ humiliating inability for weeks to find a new speaker of the House — after Matt Gaetz decided he didn’t like the first one — suddenly House Republicans elected Rep. Mike Johnson from Louisiana, a prime architect of Donald Trump’s anti-American insurrection, and one of the vilest Christian extremists this country has ever seen.
This is what happens when you literally elect a fundamentalist Christian hate group as speaker. (Johnson’s early career was as a legal chihuahua for the hate group now known as the Alliance Defending Freedom.)
Mike Johnson is a dumbfuck who thinks marijuana is a gateway drug. Obviously he’s anti-abortion and an anti-LGBTQ+ bigot. He’s got a weird hard-on for school prayer.
He thinks God chose him to be speaker, like some kind of modern-day loser version of Moses. He believes America is “dark and depraved,” and that God is fixin’ to do something very bad to it, because his God is very angry and thin-skinned and has zero self-control, like a diaper-shitting toddler.
He’s really into the “ex-gay” torture scene. His wife is a total creep too.
And he openly admitted to a group of Christian dudes at some kind of Christian dude conference at his church that he and his teenage son used Covenant Eyes together. What’s Covenant Eyes? Oh, just some Jesus nanny software the Johnsons use to prevent them from stimulating their Johnsons. His son is, or was, his accountabil-a-buddy.
Yeah, that’s how weird this dude and his family are. Oh, did you hear about him dating his daughter at the purity ball? Don’t miss that one.
Is there anything redeeming about this man? Does he have one good quality? Let’s see:
Johnson was totally hard for bugfuck DSM-IV-grade conspiracy theories about the election.
He’s totally into a national abortion ban.
He’s so stupid he thinks they can “expunge” Donald Trump’s original impeachment.
He loved Trump’s Muslim ban.
He thought it was illegal for Joe Biden to fly the pride flag at the White House because he was too stupid to realize there was an American flag on the roof flying above it. (Flag code stuff.)
One time he whined and bitched about Roe v. Wade, saying if all those able-bodied people were in the workforce, they wouldn’t have to cut Social Security and Medicare.
He wants to cut those.
Yep, science says the man has zero redeemable qualities.
Below the jump, we’ll paste a documentary about Mike Johnson.
Haha, just kidding, it’s the “South Park” episode where Butters goes to “ex-gay” torture camp.
Seemed appropriate.
Seriously, fuck that guy.
(Mike Johnson, not Butters.)
Evan Hurst on Twitter right here.
@evanjosephhurst on Threads!
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MORE MIKE!
If god chose Mike to be speaker didn’t he also choose Pelosi to be speaker? Didn’t he choose Biden to be president? Didn’t he choose Kevin McCarthy to get kicked in the dick by Matt Gaetz?
God’s plan is ineffable. Meaning it’s too great to be expressed in words by our tiny human brains.
So why is this asshole claiming to know God’s plan?