'Yes, We Are Filthy Marxists' And Other Tidbits From A Meeting Of The Democratic Base As Imagined By The White House
The stuff of Karoline Leavitt's fever dreams.
“The Democrat Party’s main constituency is made up of Hamas terrorists, illegal aliens, and violent criminals.” — Karoline Leavitt on Fox News, Oct. 16
Good morning! Good morning! Welcome to our weekly meeting of the Democratic Party base. Let’s everyone settle down, we have a lot of business to get to today. America is not going to turn into a dystopian socialist hellhole by itself, and I know you are all anxious to get out there and do your part.
First, though, we need to do roll call. Violent criminals?
(Sound of guns being fired straight up into the air, cries of “Bitch, what??”)
Illegal aliens?
(Cries of “Sí! Sí! Matar a toda la gente blanca!” with tinny sound of the Mexican Hat Dance playing on an iPhone)
Hamas?
(Loud ululating)
Did I miss anyone? Oh right. Marxist college students?
(Soft snickering, someone yells “Viva la proletariat!” in a mocking tone that draws a few laughs)
Marxist college faculty?
(Rustle of paper as thousands of professors wave their CVs in the air)
People with no defining associations but who just simply hate America?
(Wild cheering)
Anyone else I missed, I apologize. Please don’t come to my house and chalk anodyne slogans like “No white nationalism” on the sidewalk. Go do it at Stephen Miller’s house instead.
Oh, someone did? So we can cross that one off today’s agenda? Great job, whoever did that. Way to show some initiative. See me after the meeting to talk about a bonus.
All right, all right, no groaning! You’re all supposed to be a bunch of ruthless antifa terrorists. What’s stopping any of you from showing a little extra hustle?
So, first order of business! I’m noticing that hardly anyone has signed up for our field trip to Putt Putt next Saturday. Folks, so many of you said you wanted a miniature golf outing, so our Activities Committee worked really hard to set one up for you. Don’t let that be for nothing. If mini golf isn’t your thing, they also have an arcade. We’ve been promised that everyone can have an equal number of tokens.
Second, the bathrooms have gotten so putrid, they are practically hazardous waste sites. And we can’t do anything about hazardous waste sites until we retake the government and can use it for socialist projects like reconstituting the EPA.
I know it’s tough to stay on top of the bathrooms when we’re busy being revolutionaries trying to overthrow President Trump. But we don’t need to ignore good hygiene while we’re doing so, do we?
(Mild grumbling from crowd. There are a few grudging No’s.)
Exactly! That’s why we’re setting up a monthly rotating cleaning crew. That way, everyone has to pitch in. Hamas, we were going to give you the first month now that you have at least a little more time on your hands. But then the executive committee was told you still are in a power struggle with local Gaza militias and it could be a huge distraction, is that correct?
Okay, that’s fine. We’ll have the antifa terrorists hiding inside giant frog costumes take the first month. Come on, you guys, we all have to do our part. I promise you the Portland ICE facility with the masked dipshits and their paintball guns will still be there in a month.
Oh, since I know black bloc refuses to come to meetings, can someone pass all this info along to them? No? No volunteers? Where’s the solidarity?
Ah, thank you, rogue FBI agents who worked on January 6 investigations until they were sniffed out, baselessly accused of misconduct, and fired by Kash Patel. Much appreciated.
Final order of business: This weekend, as you know, is No Kings weekend, and there are now hundreds of events scheduled to occur all over America. There are even a bunch scheduled in European countries. Some are in countries that literally have kings. They are calling those “No Tyrants” rallies, which Mr. Soros is allowing so long as they pay us a licensing fee. Mr. Soros’s European division is making sure protestors there have all the beautiful signs with beautiful wood that they need.
Speaking of Mr. Soros, I have just returned from his volcanic lair, and I can tell you that he is very pleased with all the interest and enthusiasm everyone has shown about No Kings. He wanted me to make a point of noting to you just how flipped out the Republicans are.
It’s really something. They are calling it the “Hate America” rally, referring to all the participants as the “terrorist wing” of the Democratic Party. Roger Marshall, the Kansas senator, thinks his state should call out the National Guard because he’s so sure we won’t be peaceful. Greg Abbott is calling out his state’s National Guard, state police, Texas Rangers, and the Department of Public Safety, all of them “supported by aircraft and other tactical assets,” according to Politico. That’s just absolutely wild.
(loud laughter from crowd)
Oh, and Scott Bessent is trying to get the proletariat to blame us for anyone losing their job during the shutdown. “No Kings means no paychecks,” he keeps saying. I don’t know how he thinks he’s going to stop Mr. Soros from meeting the party’s payroll.
Speaking of which, Headquarters wanted me to remind everyone that timesheets are due no later than 5 P.M. on Fridays. If you earn some overtime working weekend protest rallies, those hours get reported on the following Friday, and you are paid on the first payday after that. No trying to estimate your hours ahead of time so you can get paid for them that week.
Where was I? Oh right, the Republicans freaking out about No Kings. Best of all is all the sniveling Mike Johnson has been doing. He’s been blaming us for this government shutdown, saying the Democrats are too terrified of us to negotiate until after the rally. He has been telling any reporter who will listen that everyone at No Kings will be “pro-Hamas” and “antifa people” and the Marxists who have taken over the Democratic Party and want to turn America communist.
To which I say, duh, yes, that was all part of the plan when we infiltrated and usurped the Democratic establishment. It hasn’t been easy. No one knows how difficult it was to turn Chuck Schumer and Hakeem Jeffries into raging Marxists, how many mind-control machines we went through, how antisemitic we had to get. Much more than some of us were comfortable with, for sure. But we persevered, and here we are.
Great job, everyone! Give yourselves a hand.
(Entire crowd leaps to feet with a roar, shouts of “Abolish ICE,” etc. Someone starts singing “The Internationale” in Spanish.)
Wow! That’s just the sort of enthusiasm we need to carry over to the protests this weekend. So let’s get out there with our professionally produced signs and make some noise. Remember to bring small children holding signs and wear Real American clothes so we can fool the media and the public. Sneakers, T-shirts that say “I’d rather be at brunch,” and jorts are all acceptable.
Meeting adjourned. See you next week!
Oh no, Mr. Soros took Wonkette off the payroll! Please donate to help us keep going!
First let me say, I have been a Marxist since the very first time that I saw 'em, and my affection has only grown. It's only with love that I add, Margaret Dumont was essential. Without her poise and dignity as a foil, none of their movies would've worked nearly as well.
OT I just quit my job. I couldn't do another day in that place. I get to focus on school full time now. Thank goodness.