Tommy Tuberville is the dumb fucking thing that serves as Alabama’s senior senator. (Oh yes, look it up.) As we type this, his one-man national-security-fucking, military-fucking tantrum show of blocking President Joe Biden’s military nominations and promotions, because he’s upset about the Pentagon’s (pro-)abortion policies, has been over for a few weeks.
Oh but what fun we had.
Tuberville spent almost an entire year crinkling up his stupid moron coach face in confused anger (he’s very stupid) over the fact that President Joe Biden’s Pentagon is now willing to assist troops or their families if they need to travel out of state for abortion care, should they find themselves in one of America’s fascist states and unable to access it. This only became necessary because Donald Trump’s illegitimate partisan hack Supreme Court overturned Roe v. Wade.
As we can see in the results of literally every election since then, Americans fucking love abortion. And they do not like pervert Republican panty-sniffers who have appointed themselves Bible guardians of all the genitals, including those involved in pregnancy.
And the military hated the way Tuberville fucked them and fucked national security.
As the months went on and hundreds of Biden military nominations and promotions sat unfilled, military leaders started standing up and asking the dipshit senator from Alabama why he was hurting America. Did he really think his imaginary yokel version of Jesus was pleased with him? And the answer is likely yes, which is just pathetically sad.
Military leaders literally asked him — begged him — to stop aiding and abetting America’s enemies.
But the clownporking redneck from Alabama just wouldn’t stop. He felt it was more important to hurt America to achieve his ideological religious goals, because that’s the kind of guy he is.
But then in December, the dipshit started to cave, having achieved exactly nothing. He got no concessions from the Pentagon or the Biden administration. He prevented zero abortions. “We got all we could get” from Biden, he told reporters.
He. Got. Nothing.
We endured almost a year of this impertinent little hayseed hurting America’s military so he could go home (to Florida) and brag that he did nothing.
We are 100 percent confident that any anti-abortion, anti-military actions Tuberville undertakes in the new year will have the same success rate.
Hey, wanna hear what a goddamned moron Tommy Tuberville is? On his Senate website, it literally refers to him as “Coach.”
You know, in case you didn’t realize we were dealing with one of those hilarious situations where a coach has to substitute-teach a real class.
PREVIOUSLY IN THIS MORON RIGHT HERE:
Evan Hurst on Twitter right here.
@evanjosephhurst on Threads!
I have profiles those other places but I think I forgot how to log on.
If you're shopping on Amazon anyway, this portal gives us a small commission.
Happy New Year Evan! I so look forward to your posts. My dad - rest his soul - was a coach and gym teacher, but not a dumbass! He was born in 1925, lied to enlist in the Navy because he was too young, and his LST landed at Normandy on D-Day. He was the first of his Ukrainian immigrant people to attend college - on the GI bill - and he was a lifelong New Deal Democrat. He would have punched Tuberville right in the mouth! Looking forward to reading your writing in 2024!
You know, if we establish the Tommy Tuberville Abortion Fund and pay for one abortion a month (or week, depending on finances) for as long as Tommy Tuberville is a member of the government, he could sAvE tHe (most) BaBiEs by resigning.
Every month we could issue a press release that "Tommy Tuberville caused #X abortions this month". It wouldn't cause him to resign, but it would be fun, and it would also help some people too.