Black NAZI! Mark Robinson Has Worse Lawyers Than Donald Trump

Omigod you guyz! OmigodOmigodOmigod!

Oct 22, 2024

You know how Trump is always threatening to sue everyone for all the besmirch statements and then usually he doesn’t but he says he did or says he’s going to but everyone knows that even Trump’s lawyers aren’t stupid enough to Streisand Effect all Trump’s worst media coverage because who the fuck doesn’t know that discovery is an actual thing? Well North Carolina Lieutenant Governor Mark “Trans People Should Poop Outside” Robinson’s lawyers got a call from discovery asking for some common sense and answered, “I don’t know her.”

Immediately after that, or in any case last week, Mark “Some Folks Need Killing” Robinson managed to get two lawyers, Anthony Biller and Jesse Binnall, to file his lawsuit against CNN and a skeevy middle-aged punk rocker who used to work at the local porn store in Greensboro, North Carolina. It asks for fifty million dollars.

No, yr Wonkette is not kidding. We wish we had made that up because we are desperate for you to think we are funny.

In the testerically funny document, Mark “Yes, I Paid For My Girlfriend’s Abortion” Robinson also describes himself as a husband once, mentions his wife twice, and calls himself married three times, because married dudes are notorious for spraining their eyeballs looking away from porn so fast. The complaint further goes to great, whiny pains to point out four times that this dude is a father, for heaven’s sake, in an apparent appeal to the wellknown fact that dudes who are dads never look at porn.

Your friendly neighborhood Crip Dyke has read the entire complaint (it is short, she does not love you THAT much) and can vouch that much of the rest is equally hilarious. (Set aside the bit establishing venue and jurisdiction. Venue is only occasionally funny.) Do you need some highlights? Of course you do. Everything about this is calculated to irrigate your sinuses with hot, caffeinated breakfast beverages.

We love the bit where he Streisands this claim, from a less-read venue for North Carolina political news, The Assembly, which preceded CNN in breaking the essential news that Mark “Free Pizza” Robinson was good buddies with the employees of the local porno shop, but wasn’t always great at paying his bills:

According to Defendant Money, these bootleg videos were “super hardcore” and compiled from videos too risqué or extreme to sell in North Carolina. Echoing his false allegations from the Music Video, Defendant Money once again claims that Lt. Gov. Robinson owes him money for one of these bootleg porn videos.

Louis “Defendant” Money (his actual legal name, The Assembly stresses, well the “Money” part anyway) recorded a little-watched music video with his band The Trailer Park Orchestra to commemorate this obscure and unusual connection to a high profile politician. They call it The Lt. Governor Owes Me Money and it has generated an astoundingly viral 636 likes as of this writing, sure to reach 680 after its mention in this lawsuit.

The suit alleges that it was this video which prompted The Assembly to investigate Mark “World’s Best Dad” Robinson’s skeevy porno habits from back in the day before his favorite stores were assassinated by someone only identified as “free internet porn.”

Supposedly, The Assembly’s article then prompted CNN’s investigation, which itself was legally slipshod and malice and besmirch:

Sixteen days after the Assembly Article, CNN published an article, salaciously titled “‘I’m a black NAZI!’: NC GOP nominee for governor made dozens of disturbing comments on porn forum”

CNN will have a difficult time refuting that one, we can tell you.

The complaint added:

These falsely attributed statements include several lewd, sex-obsessed, racist, and outrageous statements, including the comment from the title of the article

This presumably did not include his fantastic story about having porn-boner backdoor boinking watersports sex with his sister-in-law, as that story was somehow not present in the CNN article despite being sprayed in yellow across the internet. In fact, that story seeped so thoroughly into popular media that The Daily Show’s Desi Lydic read it on air, replacing certain less savoury words with “Smurf”:

Mark “Covered in Smurf and Smurf Juice” Robinson did not take this lying down:

CNN and Louis Love Money are responsible for a new low in digital lynching. In a malicious hit job so well timed as to be uncanny, they have published disgusting lies about Lieutenant Governor Mark Robinson in what appears to be a coordinated attack aimed at derailing his campaign for governor, and has already inflicted immeasurable harm to his family, his reputation, and his good name.

LOL, “good name.”

CNN and Louis Love Money, in their cynical and malicious smears, are trying to tear him down and take away all that he has achieved by portraying him as something he is not.

One extra funny thing in all this is that in calling attention to the article in The Assembly, people who don’t have the stomach to read his ghostwriter’s book We Are The Majority! can put his denials (“This is not us. These are not our words. And this is not anything that is characteristic of me”) up against his own description of his life between the late ‘80s and early 2000s, assuming The Assembly transcribed these three separate quotes accurately:

“My behavior did not immediately reform. They say sin is fun for a season, and I was in that season.”
“When I got saved, the devil doubled down in my life,” he told the Bethel Free Will Baptist Church in Kinston in 2021. “[God] told me what I was supposed to do. As I was doing wrong, that voice was in the back of my head, saying, ‘Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!’ And I still continued in disobedience after being saved. And I’m not ashamed to say it.”
Robinson wrote in his memoir that he “was guilty of bad money management; when I had money and should have been putting it in the bank or spending it on essential things … I was just throwing money away.”

Put that next to his complaint, where he insisted that he would never sin and waste his family’s monies:

Defendant Money spins his fantasy to even greater heights of falsity and depravity in the Assembly interview by claiming that Lt. Gov. Robinson—then a financially struggling, married father of two young children—was spending every night after work, for hours at a time—even until 4:00 a.m.—hanging out at an adult video store, and spending thousands of dollars on “hardcore,” bootleg porn videos— some too risqué or explicit to sell in the state of North Carolina—and on private booth previews. Every bit of this is knowingly false,

Of course, even publishing false assertions is protected by the First Amendment so long as you engage in responsible reporting. CNN went to great lengths to compare data from the Nude Africa account with other accounts Robinson acknowledges are his. Personal information about the 2009 posts was released after a hack in 2017 and became one source of confirmation, which Robinson instead uses to assert CNN’s recklessness. Surprisingly there is no mention in the complaint of how CNN further used forensic linguistics to match rare phrases that characterize the style of the Nude Africa commenting account with Robinson’s known writing:

CNN, despite Lt. Gov. Robinson’s explicit denials, chose to publish the CNN Article based on data from a dubious website, supposed corroboration from unverified—indeed, unverifiable—data, apparently sourced from hacked, data breach files, obtained from the dark web. It chose to publish despite knowing or recklessly disregarding that Lt. Gov. Robinson’s data—including his name, date of birth, passwords, and the email address supposedly associated with the NudeAfrica account—were previously compromised by multiple data breaches. Any person could have purchased and/or used Lt. Gov. Robinson’s data to create accounts all over the internet. As CNN is aware, people who create accounts on websites like NudeAfrica, and AdultFriendFinder prefer not to use their own names and identities for obvious reasons.

This, finally is the big reveal Mark “All My Employees Quit!” Robinson promised when he said he had “proof” that the Nude Africa comments were fabricated to hurt him. The fact that all the information matches merely provides more evidence that Robinson was framed.

And all that framing constructed a terribly harmful edifice:

CNN—a politically left-wing media outlet, whose reporting is often indistinguishable from Democrat party talking points and opposes politically conservative candidates for office, including Lt. Gov. Robinson—intended to damage Lt. Gov. Robinson’s gubernatorial run. […]
Defendant CNN’s Defamatory Statements have directly and proximately caused Lt. Gov. Robinson to suffer significant damages, including direct damages, damages to his reputation, public disgrace, humiliation, embarrassment, mental anguish, distress, and anxiety, all of which are ongoing in nature and will be suffered in the future.

Wonkette would like to congratulate CNN on causing widespread humiliation of and contempt for Mark “I’m A Black NAZI!” Robinson, but that might tend to obscure Wonkette’s own role in humiliating his contemptible ongoing nature long before this summer.

We can, however, credit CNN’s article and Esquires Binnall and Biller (there’s a good name for a law firm!) with setting up one hell of a fun discovery period. Unfortunately even Mark “Family of Embezzlers” Robinson’s lawyers aren’t dumb enough to schedule that before November 5.

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