Christian Nationalist State Rep's 'Rap' Album Somehow Worse Than You'd Ever Imagine
Michigan state Rep. Josh Schriver is constantly coming up with new ways to be the worst.
The last we saw our pal Josh Schriver, the openly racist and Christian Nationalist Michigan state representative, he was walking out of his own “Make Gay Marriage Illegal Again” press conference in a huff, refusing to actually answer any questions from the press after delivering an anti-gay marriage monologue worthy of a home-schooled eight-year-old child.
That was back in February, and he’s been suspiciously quiet. I assumed it was because of how he no longer has much power to do anything, as he was stripped of “his office (the physical one, where he works), his staff, and his committee assignments” after sharing a number of aggressively racist posts on social media last year. And that could still be true — but during this time, it seems, he has also been recording an album.
Spoiler alert: It is not good. He wrote on Twitter that he considered releasing it on mainstream platforms, but decided against that once he found one that no one has ever heard of before. Clearly, it’s Spotify’s loss here!
How bad is it? Well, one track is titled “Jesus Wept” and, frankly, that’s pretty accurate.
Because the songs and album are not downloadable, I used the voice recorder app on my phone to get that one down for purposes of fair use commentary. Conveniently, the app also does transcription — though not especially accurately if the speaker doesn’t enunciate especially well. If I cared, I would listen to the song more carefully in order to get the exact wording, but I don’t. So please to enjoy this obviously incorrect translation, courtesy of my free voice recorder app!
The ice on grass in April,
Nonetheless, I’m thankful
Submarine mostation
Connected to the I am
Micro macro Jesus saved us.
His death was gracious.
The grave was makeshift
To prepare staycation
based on my nose or less eternal player.
Jesus wept, when I died, I arrived
Heaven's gate, Jesus' name
Pray from pain east and blame.
No thanks to me, mass contact us, majesty is a mass, his faculties are intact,
No back roads, no highways straight narrow, always keep me seek me.
I seek you.
I need you like my food
You're my drink,
You're my piece, your migraine
Make sure I'm least most personal free work.
You're my deed, a malarb person being you referred to surf.
You're worthy, you're worthy, you're worthy, you're worthy, you're worthy, you're worthy, you're worthy, you're worthy, you're worthy, you're worthy me.
Okay, some of that is definitely wrong, but I am dead convinced that at least “You're my deed, a malarb person being you referred to surf” is on point.
The gang at Right Wing Watch also downloaded one of his other jams, this one titled “Call On God,” which is exactly what you will be doing in order to make this stop.
This one opens with, no joke, “I just took some pre-workout, I guess that means that I should lift,” and closes, dramatically, with the spoken lines, “For good news, my friend. The good news is the Gospel and the Gospel is Jesus. He came and he died and he rose again. If you don’t believe that, I’m not really sure why and I don’t think that you could even have a good reason.”
Move over, Descartes! Step aside, Aquinas! Never before has there been such a compelling ontological argument. Even as a lifelong atheist, I am feeling a little moved.
I saw several people on Reddit saying that this is what happens when they ban bullying — I disagree. Schriver is a bully himself and surely would have thrived in such an environment. Kids don’t bully incorrectly confident kids into being self-aware, or even simply aware of their musical limitations. That’s not a thing. No, Schriver’s problem is that no one ever loved him enough to tell him to not take this act — both the hate spewing and the bar spitting — on the road.
PREVIOUSLY ON WONKETTE!
That was the longest 90 seconds of my life
How soon can we get the cadaver dogs to search his backyard?