Remember a few months back, during the Summer Olympics, when the French were like “OUI OUI! Nous allons avoir les Jeux olympiques les plus homosexuels de l’histoire! Also it’s going to be fuckin’ METAL”?
They sure did accomplish that mission. And for one split second during the opening ceremonies there were some drag queens and gender non-conforming people at a table/fashion runway, and all the stupidest conservative Christians in America immediately started crying, “DERP DERP DERP DERP DERP! I KNOW THE LORD’S SUPPER WHEN I SEE IT!” and the French were like, “C'est une bacchanale, bande d'idiots,” and the stupid conservative Christians were like “IN AMERICA, JESUS AIN’T TRANSGENDER, AND STOP TALKIN’ FUNNY!” and the French were like “actually, c'est la France, and shut the fuuuuuuck up.”
Then all the conservative Christians forgot about it because the Olympics ended and their dog trainers pointed the laser pointer at the next thing they were supposed to be mad about.
Well, bad news, but a new nuclear attack has been launched on the baby Jesus, and it was done by Michigan Governor Gretchen Whitmer AKA Big Gretch AKA Satan’s primo wokester jokester here on Earth.
Here is a video of Gretch feeding a Dorito to a person, in some kind of way, while wearing a Harris/Walz camo hat, with musical accompaniment.
As you can see, the governor and this person were re-enacting the Catholic Eucharist, or maybe the Episcopal Eucharist, but not Communion as it’s practiced in most Protestant churches.
You have the Dorito, which symbolizes the body of Christ, broken for you and covered in nacho cheese dust. The supplicant is a woman, which makes this a gaylesbiancriticalwoketheory eucharist, which obviously does not count. And it features the song “Dilemma,” by Nelly and Kelly Rowland, which all students of scripture know is what was playing at the Last Supper like right before Judas betrayed Jesus.
No seriously, open a fuckin’ Bible and check. They were all dancing, the disciples were singing — “No matter what I do / All I think about is you / Even when I'm with my boo / Boy, you know I'm crazy over you” — and they were singing it to Jesus. But, well, Peter wasn’t really singing — fuckin’ Peter — and then Judas came in and acted a whole entire damn fool, and the rest is Bible history.
You might already be suspecting that all the usual fucking morons are having a shitfit right now, over Gretchen Whitmer murdering the Catholic baby Jesus and making Him cry. You might also be suspecting that this has literally nothing to do with the Eucharist, and maybe it is an entirely unrelated TikTok trend.
Ding ding ding on both counts!
The person taking of the nacho cheese Dorito is podcaster and author Liz Plank, who was interviewing Whitmer yesterday. (Sounds like it was a fun interview!) The TikTok trend is that one person feeds another person a food, at which point the food feedER looks at the camera and makes some kind of funny/weird look. The song “Dilemma” by Kelly Rowland and Nelly tends to be playing.
No, we don’t goddamn know why TikTokers are doing this, Gen Z is a mysterious people who will one day be studied by anthropologists.
The caption on Plank’s Insta post says, “If he won’t, Gretchen Whitmer will. Chips aren’t just delicious, the CHIPS Act is a game-changer for U.S. tech and manufacturing, boosting domestic production of semiconductors to reduce reliance on foreign suppliers! Donald Trump would put that at risk.” That caption was reportedly added after the video started going viral. It wasn’t so politics-specific originally.
At first, the whining Republicans who saw the video were like “Oh so WE’RE the weird ones? No you’re the weird ones! You are!” Which might be valid if Republicans weren’t all 85-year-old white supremacist dorks at heart, and weren’t so out of touch with all people under 70.
Like so:
Senate Minority Leader Aric Nesbitt, R-Porter Township, called the video “weird” in a social media post.
“If her goal was to make Kamala Harris seem normal by comparison, mission accomplished,” Nesbitt wrote in a later post.
State Rep. Bill Schuette, R-Midland, responded to the video with: “Ya but JD Vance is ‘weird,’” calling out frequent Democratic criticisms of the Ohio senator and GOP vice presidential nominee.
As we were saying about how all Republicans are culturally irrelevant 85-year-olds.
Whitmer’s office responded:
“The governor’s social media is well known for infusing her communications with pop culture,” Hare said in a statement. “This popular trend has been used by countless people, including Billie Eilish, Kylie Jenner, and Stephen Colbert, and the fact that people are paying attention to a video promoting President Biden’s CHIPS Act proves it’s working.”
Click on the Colbert one. It’s Jeremy Allen White, the hot piece of ass from “The Bear” and the underpants billboards, feeding Colbert pizza. Super hot, as Eucharists go.
But now, all the comments everywhere the video is posted are full of the same whinyass motherfuckin’ loser conservative Christians whinyass motherfuckin’ whining about how Gretchen Whitmer has smushed Christianity like a bag of Doritos.
And all the professionally aggrieved MAGA Christians are professionally (ka-ching!) aggrieved:
“Many Catholics are going to see this as mocking the communion rail,” Tim Graham, executive editor of NewsBusters, stressed on X. “Except Catholics don’t make it look like sensual.” “Let’s be clear what’s happening in this video,” Trump adviser Tim Murtaugh stressed on X. “Gov. Whitmer of Michigan is pretending to give communion to an leftist podcaster on her knees, using a Dorito as the Eucharist while wearing a Harris-Walz hat.”
“Do they want ZERO Catholic votes for Harris?”
Conservative pundit Liz Wheeler lamented:
“it’s wild that some Christians refuse to vote when Democrats obviously loathe you… because you’re Christian.”
Here’s Raymond Arroyo, that racist walking “Kick Me” sign who always goes on the Laura Ingraham show to make her centenarian viewers feel hip and wit’ it, and tell them Black guys love Donald Trump because Black guys love mugshots and shoes.
No, darling Raymond, and the fact that there is also no Catholic Doritos Cult should tip you off to the fact that you’re full of shit.
Michael Knowles, the little weenus from the Daily Wire whose only function in that company as far as we can see is to make Ben Shapiro feel tall, says this is “decadent-empire behavior” from “Governor Nero of Michigan.”
‘Kay, little buddy.
If you want to see more MAGA melting down, because Gretchen Whitmer, in general, makes them melt down and feel tiny and insignificant, just search her name on Twitter.
By the way, we called it the “lesbian dorito eucharist” because some mad person in some other mad person’s tweet replies said it, and it was extremely (unintentionally) funny, and we hope it sticks forever.
LONG LIVE BIG GRETCH AND HER LESBIAN DORITO EUCHARIST!
Now let’s go win Michigan.
[The Detroit News / New York Post]
Evan has a new side project called The Moral High Ground, you should check it out and subscribe there too!
Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter right here.
@evanjosephhurst on Threads!
If you're shopping on Amazon anyway, this portal gives us a small commission.
Wiccan Doritos Cult is my new all female punk ukulele band.
Dorito eucharist? Mmm, sacrilicious!