Dean Phillips Building Elite Strike Force Cabinet Of Elon Musk And Some Other Jizz Socks You Hate
Includes the time Joe Biden told Bill Ackman to shut his fucking mouth.
Now that the Republican Iowa caucuses are over, we can turn our attention to the biggest nail-biter of the season, the Democratic New Hampshire primary where Joe Biden is going to win even though he’s not on the ballot. (For all the dumb reasons that’s the case, click here. It involves how Biden supported the plan to move South Carolina’s primary ahead of New Hampshire’s.)
THIS MORNING!
Because voters will have to write Biden in, Dean Phillips, the conservative Democratic congressman from Minnesota primarying Biden — who has gone from “I have never heard of that guy” to “Christ, what an Dunning-Kruger-infected ingrown pube” in record-breaking time — is presumably pretty excited about his chances to be a less embarrassing loser than he’d be otherwise, in a primary that won’t count.
Phillips, who has been funded by Clarence Thomas’s moneybags billionaire Harlan Crow, and who’s been advised by veteran never-Trumper and never-winner Steve Schmidt, should be viewed by all sentient voters as a spoiler who’s effectively working for Donald Trump’s re-election campaign. The only other charitable interpretation is that he’s too much of an egotistical cumsock to imagine a world where literally nobody is currently clamoring for his white ass to come in and save them.
Either interpretation is valid, considering how on Monday Phillips suggested it might be cool to put the unlovable try-hard dork who skullfucked Twitter in his Cabinet:
Phillips, who is running a longshot bid against President Joe Biden, spoke with Musk, hedge fund billionaire Bill Ackman and podcast host Jason Calacanis for a wide-ranging conversation on Musk’s X spaces platform.
Do real Democratic candidates do forums on “Spaces” with Elon Musk and Bill Ackman, who is indeed that hedge fund billionaire bitch who played such an oversized, unsolicited role in the witch hunt of recently resigned Harvard president Claudine Gay? We are just asking.
We don’t have a mean comment about Calacanis except wait does that rhyme with anus?
Eventually, the topic turned to what his first 100 days in office would look like. The Minnesota representative said he would build “the most extraordinary bipartisan Cabinet in American history.”
“Would look like” is doing some very heavy lifting here. Also when you hear some halfwit white dude piece of shit using the words “extraordinary” and “bipartisan” in the same sentence — especially considering how it’s 2024 and the other side of “bipartisan” is a fascist insurgent white nationalist movement and not a legitimate political party — it’s time to run away quickly.
“Maybe we will have a third of them on this spaces right now, guys,” he added.
He wants Elon Musk to be secretary of what exactly, please? Don’t say transportation, because if y’all think Pete Buttigieg’s rampant gayness is slowing down the trains (because they all stop to whistle at his butt), wait until Elon gets in there and Cyber Trucks the country without lube.
Also he wants to put Ackman on his board, we mean Cabinet? LOL. Neat. We just read this account of Joe Biden absolutely bodying Ackman back in 2017, we guess we better copy-paste it at you now.
[D]uring a private VIP dinner that night the question of why Biden didn’t run for president in 2016 was raised once again, by former Florida governor and 2016 GOP presidential contender Jeb Bush, who asked Biden “why didn’t you run?”
Biden explained that part of the decision stemmed from the death of his son Beau Biden, who died of brain cancer in 2015. The room grew quiet as Biden became emotional, and said: “I’m sorry…I’ve said enough.”
That’s when Ackman blurted out “Why? That’s never stopped you before.”
The formal, and understated dinner conversation suddenly turned tense, according to three people who were present and confirmed both the substance and the wording of Biden’s responses.
Biden, these people say, turned to someone seated near him, and asked, “who is this asshole?,” a reference to Ackman.
Then he turned directly to Ackman and stated: “look, I don't know who you are, wiseass, but never disrespect the memory of my dead son!” these people say.
Ackman attempted what was described as an apology, to which Biden said, "just shut the hell up."
And that, we guess, is the villain origin story of Bill Ackman! (LOL Fox relating that story as some sort of knock on Biden, instead of “how everyone should be treating every one of these fuckers.) Now back to Dumbfuck McGee and “Cabinet” and his very realistic daydreams.
As for other first 100 day priorities, Phillips also said he’d use “zero-based budgeting” and hire an international consulting firm to conduct a “top-down assessment” of the federal government.
We’re sorry, are we masturbating to corporate buzzwords while talking about the presidency of the United States? Are we going to circle back once the concept is downloaded to everybody? Do we have the bandwidth for that? Have we fleshed out the deliverables?
Put a pin in it while you eat America’s ass, Dean.
Politico explains that Bill Ackman and the other guy named Anus are both declared supporters of Phillips, so he’s up to two. Musk, the epitome of a guy so stupid he doesn’t even know what he doesn’t know, joined in as they all whined together about how the Democratic Party is unfaaaaaaaaaair:
“Getting candidates, especially popular candidates that are quite viable, removed from ballots is taking that decision away from the public, which is fundamentally anti-democratic,” Musk said. “Some political party shouldn’t think that they know better than the public.”
We’d explain how incumbent parties literally never have open primaries, but that would be far more typing exercise than any of these expired jizz samples — especially Elon — has earned from us.
As for Dean, he may not be very good at this whole numbers thing:
Phillips told POLITICO this weekend that getting in the 20 percent range in the New Hampshire primary next week “would be magnificent.” Earlier, a campaign adviser floated 42 percent as a threshold for success. Recent public polls in the state have found Phillips in the high single digits and teens.
“If we surprise that night, it’s game on,” Phillips said of New Hampshire.
For reference, Ron DeSantis won 21 percent in Iowa, Nikki Haley 19 percent. No one is questioning whether Donald Trump is by far the frontrunner in the Republican race. (Though dang, Trump only got 51 percent! Sounds like a lot of Republican primary voters might be tiring of the rapidly decomposing criminal.)
This middling Caucasian pissbucket wants a participation trophy if he reaches 20 in a primary where the incumbent even isn’t on the ballot and the results won’t be recognized by the DNC?
Fuck you, and if the media accepts that framing, fuck them too.
[Politico]
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𝘽𝙞𝙙𝙚𝙣, 𝙩𝙝𝙚𝙨𝙚 𝙥𝙚𝙤𝙥𝙡𝙚 𝙨𝙖𝙮, 𝙩𝙪𝙧𝙣𝙚𝙙 𝙩𝙤 𝙨𝙤𝙢𝙚𝙤𝙣𝙚 𝙨𝙚𝙖𝙩𝙚𝙙 𝙣𝙚𝙖𝙧 𝙝𝙞𝙢, 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙖𝙨𝙠𝙚𝙙, “𝙬𝙝𝙤 𝙞𝙨 𝙩𝙝𝙞𝙨 𝙖𝙨𝙨𝙝𝙤𝙡𝙚?,” 𝙖 𝙧𝙚𝙛𝙚𝙧𝙚𝙣𝙘𝙚 𝙩𝙤 𝘼𝙘𝙠𝙢𝙖𝙣.
𝙏𝙝𝙚𝙣 𝙝𝙚 𝙩𝙪𝙧𝙣𝙚𝙙 𝙙𝙞𝙧𝙚𝙘𝙩𝙡𝙮 𝙩𝙤 𝘼𝙘𝙠𝙢𝙖𝙣 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙨𝙩𝙖𝙩𝙚𝙙: “𝙡𝙤𝙤𝙠, 𝙄 𝙙𝙤𝙣'𝙩 𝙠𝙣𝙤𝙬 𝙬𝙝𝙤 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙖𝙧𝙚, 𝙬𝙞𝙨𝙚𝙖𝙨𝙨, 𝙗𝙪𝙩 𝙣𝙚𝙫𝙚𝙧 𝙙𝙞𝙨𝙧𝙚𝙨𝙥𝙚𝙘𝙩 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙢𝙚𝙢𝙤𝙧𝙮 𝙤𝙛 𝙢𝙮 𝙙𝙚𝙖𝙙 𝙨𝙤𝙣!” 𝙩𝙝𝙚𝙨𝙚 𝙥𝙚𝙤𝙥𝙡𝙚 𝙨𝙖𝙮.
𝘼𝙘𝙠𝙢𝙖𝙣 𝙖𝙩𝙩𝙚𝙢𝙥𝙩𝙚𝙙 𝙬𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙬𝙖𝙨 𝙙𝙚𝙨𝙘𝙧𝙞𝙗𝙚𝙙 𝙖𝙨 𝙖𝙣 𝙖𝙥𝙤𝙡𝙤𝙜𝙮, 𝙩𝙤 𝙬𝙝𝙞𝙘𝙝 𝘽𝙞𝙙𝙚𝙣 𝙨𝙖𝙞𝙙, "𝙟𝙪𝙨𝙩 𝙨𝙝𝙪𝙩 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙝𝙚𝙡𝙡 𝙪𝙥."
This is the Joe Biden I love.
Imagine having a billion dollars and still wanting to fuck with other peoples lives. How hard is it to just be a happy person. If I had that money I would give to charity anonymously and you would never hear from me again because I would be traveling and living my life.