Dear Wonkette: How Should I Properly React To The Cancer Diagnosis Of A Political Enemy?
Some etiquette tips for an anonymous but definitely real person who asked us for advice.
Dear Wonkette,
I am a real human person who is actually writing to you, for advice, being that you are world renowned experts in etiquette and manners.
You see, one of my most hated mortal enemies, who is definitely not the former president of the United States, has been diagnosed with aggressive, metastatic prostate cancer.
Now, some people might say that this is a time to be the bigger person, to put differences aside and just say something normal — but is that fair to me? A person who really only ever gets any attention from anyone when I say something awful or do something awful, like pose with the carcass of a beautiful endangered leopard I just casually but brutally murdered for no good reason?
It is not! And, in my defense, I did spend exactly one minute on Twitter reposting, without attribution, something someone else said about putting our differences aside and wishing him a speedy recovery, adding my own “Agreed 100%!”
But it is very, very hard to resist the urge to turn this into a whole-ass conspiracy, especially given how much my target audience enjoys that kind of thing (a lot, they enjoy it a lot).
Would it be rude if, say, I just started asking some questions? Some very serious questions like “Why didn’t your doctor wife figure out that you had prostate cancer before your regular doctor put his hand up your butt and found a nodule?” Sure, her doctorate is in education, not in medicine or oncology, but if we have to call her “Doctor,” shouldn’t she at least be able to detect cancer vibes? It only seems fair. Our new surgeon general nominee doesn’t have a medical license and she can detect things based on vibes!
What if another totally random doctor said it would be impossible for him to have gotten to the point of metastatic prostate cancer without knowing he had prostate cancer? Even though approximately five to seven percent of men do have metastatic prostate cancer at their first diagnosis, accounting for at least 15,000 to 21,000 cases a year?
There is also the option, I think, of not looking into whether he had ever had cancer previously, and then posting a video of him seeming to be say that he had cancer as proof that he has known about this all along?
Please see this example of a totally unrelated person doing something I believe is similar!
I mean, it’s clearly proof of something, isn’t it? And it may be rude, or “too soon,” but I worry that people are in danger of feeling badly for this cancer-having person instead of wildly speculating on what nefarious thing he is trying to get away with by having cancer or saying he had cancer at this particular time. It is especially important for me to get everyone to be fully on board with my belief that this person — while personally orchestrating every evil thing in the world, including raising the prices of groceries with the power of his mind — has had dementia for many years and that this is part of the cover-up. Somehow.
What should I do?
Sincerely,
Weird in Washington, D.D.
Dear Weirdo:
Have you considered going outside? Or reading a book? Or doing literally anything else other than commenting on a medical diagnosis you know absolutely nothing about?
Because you do have options! And one of those options is, as always, shutting your mouth until you have all of the requisite information.
Additionally, we can all wildly speculate on what we think some things might be about. Like, perhaps somewhere, there might be some boy who wants more than anything for his Daddy to love him and tell him he’s special and take him out to ball games and stuff, and he thinks that the only way to earn that love is to be just as incredibly vicious and delusional as his Daddy is. That could be a thing! Or someone could be an incredibly spoiled brat and/or sociopath who never developed the ability to empathize with anyone about anything, or to manage to not be a complete asshole for more than five minutes. That, too, could be a thing.
But it’s always best not to assume, because when you assume … you’re an asshole (the rest of us are fine, actually).
I have consulted my many, many etiquette books on this, and, incredibly, there is no specific advice for this conversation, likely because anyone who would go so far as to buy one is not the kind of person for whom this would be any kind of conundrum. You shouldn’t need Amy Vanderbilt to tell you not to be a weird creep who goes around speculating that someone’s cancer diagnosis is somehow meant to hurt you or America in some way (unless it’s one of those people who claim to have cured their brain cancer with juice, though I suspect all of those people are on your side of things).
OPEN THREAD.
PREVIOUSLY ON WONKETTE!
I saw my kid today after he found out over the weekend that I am moving to Cleveland. First thing he said to me: "I know you're moving to Ohio, why do you have to leave, I don't want you to go."😢😭😢😭😢
Open Thread Chat May 19. Cat thoughts on stuff on the counter: Fuck this. Fuck that. Fuck those too. Fuck all these and fuck this thing in particular. https://substack.com/chat/1783367/post/992f888a-9375-454b-a539-22f4cf808d90