Fox News's Softest Boys Declare DC Safe Now, All Praises Be To Dear Leader!
IF BIG BALLS ISN'T SAFE, NO ONE IS SAFE.
It’s a new week, so it’s time for praise and tears from white conservative men who now feel safe walking home late at night by themselves, since Donald Trump has cleaned up the streets of DC with performative fascism and eliminated all the crime. White conservative types who aren’t afraid to stand up in the group meeting and say “Hi, my name is Jesse Watters, hi my name is Will Cain, and I am just a total pussy, but now because Donald Trump put a masked C-student with anger issues and diabetes on every street corner, I can walk in Washington DC without pooping my pants because I’m scared.”
And you thought all these types had blown their loads last week, PSHAW.
Jesse Watters and Will Cain — Secretary Shitfaced’s former work-wife, never forget what a soft little pissybritches he is — had a discussion yesterday about how if Big Balls isn’t safe, nobody is safe. We were not aware they had elevated Big Balls to such a place of unattainable glory and strength in their minds, but we guess this is their religion now.
Mediaite provides these excerpts (video is there):
“Did you even know how bad DC was? I always knew certain neighborhoods were bad. And you see the reports and stuff, but you hear about people saying, ‘I can go out to dinner now.’ I mean, that’s just crazy to me, in the nation’s capital.”
That was Jesse. Who is saying they can go to dinner now? Fellow MAGA poopypants coward bitches? Because actually DC restaurants’ businesses are suffering bigtime because of Donald Trump’s microdick fascism show in the DC streets. But maybe now that all the normal diners are staying home, MAGA losers feel safe eating in public, now that they have all these restaurants to themselves.
“Honestly, Jesse, I don’t spend a lot of time in Washington, D.C.,” Cain responded. “So, I had to take most people’s anecdotal evidence of this, and it’s stunning how many people talk would how bad it is, whether it’s a carjacking or a fight taking place in front of your house, and you’re seeing this evidenced by the fact that as you pointed out, so many people are happy to see President Trump take over Washington, D.C., and make it feel safe.”
We are sure Will Cain has had riveting conversations with white cowards who work at places as diverse as the Trump White House, the Heritage Foundation, and Pete Hegseth’s Christian nationalist wonder-daddy’s new church. Why, he might have even heard the scary stories from Benny Johnson, whose baby got nuclear bombed by cartel arsonists during a turf war, all while they called Benny Johnson anti-white racial slurs!
Regardless, all these men can agree on is that Donald Trump is their lord and shepherd, with whom they shall not want.
Jesse concluded:
“When Big Balls went down, that’s when Trump had to call it,” he said. “If Big Balls isn’t safe, no one’s safe. And I’m glad he took a beating for the rest of the city, and he’s back up on his feet. So, Big Balls, we love you.”
If Big Balls isn’t safe, NO ONE IS SAFE.
Reminder, we are talking about this guy, what reportedly got beat up by a teenage girl.
We guess when you are Jesse Watters, even that guy is above you on the ladder of cool guys who can defend themselves and human women choose to have intercourse with, on purpose! That right there, that is the pinnacle of MAGA fuckability.
Mount Big Balls!
So that was Jesse Watters and Will Cain.
Attorney General Pam Bondi is also on Fox (making up stories about) hearing from big strong white men with tears in their eyes coming up to her and saying “Sir! Sir! I used to be scared to walk my little purse dog on the streets of DC without shivering and soiling my underpants in fear, but thanks to you and Donald Trump,” blah blah blah. She told Larry Kudlow:
“Our law enforcement officers are telling us that people are coming up to them on the street — they said a lot of people are walking by whispering, saying, ‘Thank you, thank you, thank you.’ They’re hearing stories every single night and day of people saying that they feel safe now to walk their own neighborhood where they live, because of what our great men and women of law enforcement are doing at the directive of the president.”
Our bad. The law enforcement officers are making up the stories and lying to Pam Bondi about it. Or Pam Bondi is lying about what law enforcement officers are saying to her. That people are “whispering” to the cops that they feel safe now, in Georgetown and all these other “rough” neighborhoods where limp-dicked chickenshit crybaby MAGA boys now feel safe to roam free.
This video has Bondi telling those obvious lies, and it begins with Donald Trump in his ugly tacky Hobby Lobby gold-plated Oval Office lying and saying that even “Democrats” are calling him and saying “Sir, thank you.” (Sir story!) “People that haven’t gone out to dinner in Washington DC in two years are going out to dinner and the restaurants the past two days were busier than they have been in a long time.” And of course Larry Kudlow repeated the lie too, because he’s a little bitch too.
Trump even called Fox News this morning to brag that Sean Hannity and Ainsley Earhardt, who are a Fox News power couple, which means they are fucking each other right in the privates, can now go eat in Washington DC without getting mugged. You’d think with all of Sean Hannity’s MMA expertise he’d feel confident fighting off any attackers, but maybe he’s not that strong.
You can watch Bondi babble for one million years about her adoration and worship of Dear Leader here if you’d like, or you can gouge your eyes out, whatever seems more pleasant. The quote above comes toward the end.
Again, stories abound from this weekend of empty restaurants, reservations that have totally dried up, because nobody feels safe enjoying themselves in a city that’s under the control of Donald Trump’s and Pam Bondi’s jackbooted pussy ass bitch Gestapo fascists.
But if you are MAGA, again, we guess the only way you feel safe on the streets is if you’re the only ones on the streets. Before these motherfuckers are done, it’ll look like the street scenes from “The Handmaid’s Tale” and maybe they’ll even replace the Washington Monument with a cross!
By the way, if you want to read some real journalism about what’s going on in DC, the New York Times had an excellent piece this weekend about how incredibly performative Trump’s fascist crackdown is, with his thugs patrolling places like the National Mall and ritzy predominantly white neighborhoods, while in actual high-crime areas like southeast DC, they’re nowhere to be seen. And, the Times reports, they might be received well by residents if they showed up in those areas, if residents there thought Trump actually cared about them and was there to help, and wasn’t just a white racist who hates them.
In neighborhoods such as Congress Heights and Washington Highlands, where the District of Columbia abuts Prince George’s County, Md., the city’s Black working class struggles with the twin challenges that have diminished the ranks of what was once, when Washington still had a majority Black population, affectionately called Chocolate City. There’s crime, for sure, but also gentrification driving Black residents into suburban Maryland and Virginia.
In Ward 8, where Congress Heights is found, there have been 38 homicides this year, according to data from the District of Columbia government. That’s almost 10 times as many as Ward 2, where the National Mall is located.
But when Mr. Trump on Monday described the district as “dirty” and “disgusting,” menaced by “roving mobs of wild youth,” he offended some who otherwise might have been more receptive to his “law-and-order” pitch.
Imagine that.
[Mediaite / JoeMyGod / New York Times]
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"Big Balls" getting his ass handed to him by a 14 year old Black girl is the stupidest fucking Reichstag fire ever.
All of you can just get the flying fuck out of my city. Just leave. If it's such a hellhole, why are you here? Go back to your safe spaces, you fucking snowflakes.