Hello! I, Vladimir Putin, Had Great Year Killing People And Watching America Decline!
New Year's greetings from Moscow.
Greetings, depraved Western fuck-pots of Wonkette! It is I, Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin, coming to you with new year’s greetings from greatest nation in history of history. No, not Finland, ha ha ha. Though Finland is lovely. Why else would Russia constantly threaten it?
No, Vladimir speaks of Mother Russia, of course! Or s novym godom, as we say in Russian, which is only good language. Is true! Ask Jamie Lee Curtis in classic comedy Wanda Is Name of Fish. Hubba hubba!
Mr. President, you are asking, can grandly uttering the rich guttural sounds of Russian language like pompous actor in Vladivostok dinner theater production of “The Day of the Turbins” really help me pull all the tail I could possibly want, and then some?
To which I say da, Russian is language of beauty! Russian is language of seduction! Do you think Vladimir pulls so much tail because he is wealthy and powerful world leader with army of sycophants to do his every bidding? Or do you think he pulls so much tail because he can growl even the most anodyne phrases and still sound like Honda motorcycle with perfectly tuned four-stroke engine? What do you think, vy gazoobraznaya orda koshach'ikh zadnits?
Ha ha, is old Russian saying! In English it roughly translates to you gaseous horde of cat butts. But admit it, for moment there you were hornier than Siberian eagle-owl!
But enough with ribald chit-chat! Diseased nostril styes of Wonkette, Vladimir is just stopping by to wish of you a happy New Year’s! It has been quite the year, da? Special military operation in phony nation of Ukraine continues to go well. We even allow North Korea to send thousands of soldiers to help us fight. Not that we needed help! Russian military is strong and needs no help! You heard nothing!
But glorious North Korea man-boy Kim Jong Un loves Vladimir so much. He call and say Mr. President, sir, my military grows soft from doing nothing but making potshots at South Korean fishing boats. You are greatest leader in world and your army is greatest army imposing its will on phony Ukrainian people. We are not making offer because you underestimated enemy strength and resolve and are running out of soldiers and tanks, no! We make offer because you have so much to teach us. Pretty please may my army come and help you mop up last stragglers of enemy?
To which what can Vladimir say? Da, of course we will generously let North Korean soldiers run at a few trench lines in face of machine-gun fire. Will even generously ship bodies back to North Korea for small fee. Russia is famous for its hospitality.
Also this year, Vladimir won overwhelming re-election victory. Yes, 87 percent of glorious Russian people demanded I continue to lead nation. Such love the people have for President Putin! So much love that hardly anyone else even bothered to run after FSB threatened their families.
It was also good year for Vladimir’s enemies. Excuse please, no, that is wrong. It was good year for Vladimir’s conflicts with enemies, in that enemies kept generously dying. No more enemies, no more conflicts!
Is enemies’ fault, of course. Did Vladimir Putin force Alexei Navalny to go to remote maximum security prison camp above Arctic Circle with primitive conditions and surrounded by the worst criminals of Russia? No! Was underlings that did that! Yes, they were obeying my orders, but why is that my fault? They are welcome always to ignore orders! Of course then they will also be sent to remote maximum security prison camp above Arctic Circle by other underlings who are loyal subjects and don’t disobey orders. But Vladimir can hardly be held responsible!
No, Vladimir has been blessed with good luck. Is it Vladimir who forces enemies of Mother Russia to keep hanging around near open windows at great heights? Is it Vladimir who actually shot Russian dissident in Berlin park? Is it Vladimir who personally pulled pin on grenades that destroyed Yevgeny Prigozhin’s plane? Is it Vladimir who shot Maxim Kuzminov in Spanish beach town? Bah! Vladimir cannot make secret trips to Berlin and Spain. Everyone would notice! German leaders would be very upset if I did not call to say hello while I am in town.
Now, if someone else did those things because Vladimir wanted them done, that is just loyalty! Also fear of being sent to maximum security Russian prison camp above Arctic Circle if they don’t.
Vladimir was also blessed this year to receive undying fealty of weird American man-boy Tucker Carlson. Remember this interview? Vladimir got to do what he loves best, which is give long, somnambulant lecture about last thousand years of Russian history, and weird American man-boy got to do what he loves best, which is sit in wide-eyed amazement while powerful person tells him how much better than America every other nation is.
Excuse please, but it still amazes Vladimir that Fox News fired Tucker Carlson, when he was biggest conservative lickspittle on Fox News, which is saying something. Being conservative lickspittle on Fox News is job requirement! It actually goes on resume under “Special Skills,” ahead even of “strong gag reflex.”
Ah, but who can forget greatest triumph of Vladimir’s year? Donald Trump was elected to presidency over shrill-voiced Indian harlot Kamala Harris and immediately started barking incoherently like Labradoodle with dementia. Huge win, he keeps saying. Mandate, he hollers. Greatest victory in history of democracy, he keeps hooting.
He even calls me and says can you believe it, Vladimir? Donald Trump wins greater victory even than you did! I say yes, Donald, correct, 49 percent of vote is way, way more than 87 percent! All Russian people suitably impressed! Then I put speaker phone on mute so advisors and I can laugh and laugh and laugh while he keeps babbling about annexing Canada.
I tell Donald of course Canada would make excellent 51st state. They would be lucky to have America, with its excellent health care and robust infrastructure! I say Donald, you should call babyface Justin Trudeau and offer to trade him your wife for his nation. Then I put him on mute again and advisors and I laugh more while he is screaming, Melania! I make great deal! Pack bags! Flight to Ottawa leaves in one hour!
Ah, we have fun.
So the happiest of new years to you, debauched rat’s asses of Wonkette! Vladimir looks forward to many more fun times with you in 2025! Let us all raise a glass of vodka for toast. Pust' god vash budet sladok, kak ozhogi pervoy stepeni na moshonkakh, svinopolukazach'i zarazy!
Yes, is another old Russian saying. It roughly translates as May your year be as sweet as first-degree burns on your scrotums, you half-Cossack pig taints!
Trust me, is highest toast of respect here in Mother Russia!
New year, same old reader-supported Wonkette! Please help keep us alive in ‘25!
Happy NY from France too!
I want to waste NYE watching stupid fail videos, but the Mr wants to talk about how Bitcoin might be a scam worth buying into...I think I'll cook something so I can emphasize my points while holding a chefs knife.