Help! I, Vladimir Putin, Cannot Choose Between Elon Musk And Donald Trump!

It's always tough to be stuck between two friends breaking up.

Das vidanya, tiny Wonkette suck monkeys! It is I, Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin, president of Russia, lord of the Motherland, and potentate of all the realms of the earth. Yes, all of them! Also, am excellent hockey player.

Is busy time here in Russia. You perhaps heard about phony Nazi nation of Ukraine and its “surprise” drone attack on Russian homeland. Was not surprise! Russia knew all along! We were planning on decommissioning all those Tu-95s anyway. Then glorious Russian intelligence officers found out about attack and figured, let Ukraine do work for us. Ha ha!

No, we do not have replacement for Tu-95 yet. We are like your DOGE – destroy everything and then figure out if you needed any of it. Is fine, we still have plenty of submarines with nuclear missiles, and not all of them have sunk yet.

I tell your President Trump all of this when we spoke this week. I say, Donald, Russia is not enemy. You are very greatest American to ever visit Russia. We would make you Hero of Soviet Union if that was still a thing. Russian people build shrines in homes and toast with vodka every night. And if they don’t, we shoot them! Ha ha ha! Was just little joke. Then he say, is good idea, I knew Russian people were smart. Why do we not have such shrines in American homes? I will tell Stephen Miller to get started writing up executive order!

I, Vladimir, thought about talking him down, but honestly, is funny! Imagine Miller, who looks a bit like disgraceful Yevgeny Prigozhin who made rookie mistake of not checking plane for grenades before takeoff, writing such order! You have seen way he writes, yes? Trakhni menya, is he terrible! So long-winded and dramatic, even Tolstoy would tell him to, how you say, take it down notch.

And this is before Miller’s wife absconded from White House with boy-man Elon Musk. Now will be worse, everything he writes will be Anna Karenina but super racist.

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Donald is furious about Elon. We talk for 90 minutes, and 87 of them were “He’s so ungrateful” this and “After all I’ve done for him” that. Not unlike his speaking of Nazi Zelensky after Oval Office meeting.

Other three minutes were him telling me to buy his memecoin. He says, is most amazing memecoin on market. Bigger than dogecoin, whatever that is. Everyone wants Donald memecoin. People are saying it is biggest, most profitable memecoin ever, people buy it very strongly. And so on.

I tell him I will think about it, but profits sound too good to be true, even to Russian oligarchs. Numbers in heroic Soviet Union wheat harvest reports were more believable.

Wonkette, I will tell story. Once, when young, I have very great friends, Sasha and Irina. We have many outings together – picnics, parties, ice skating in Gorky Park. I spend many evenings drinking vodka in their apartment. Sasha and I very much enjoy making prank calls to Premier Andropov to ask him if refrigerator is running. Answer was usually nyet, of course not, is Soviet-made refrigerator, and can you believe I, the leader of all Soviet Union, cannot get decent refrigerator and have to keep throwing out caviar and whitefish because dead refrigerator make it spoil?

No one could ruin a joke better than Comrade Andropov.

But anyway, the point is I have great friendship with both Sasha and Irina. Then one day I go over to apartment and find Sasha crying in empty living room. Irina had left him for party cadre with important relatives, while Sasha was simple sturgeon cart proprietor with no prospects, and Irina did not care to lay in bed every night next to man who smell like dead fish. Very few women would, of course. Even Melania keeps separate bedroom.

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Anyway, Sasha is utter mess. Is problem for me, because he is friend from childhood and will give me sturgeon discount. But Vladimir is fond of Irina as well! And her new husband can help me climb in Party. Very important to have such friends when you are KGB officer on, how you Americans say, the make?

Well, Wonkette, you know how it goes when close friends break up. Sometimes is no question you will remain friends with the Sasha and cut out the Irina. Sometimes is no question you stay friends with the Irina and dump the Sasha. But sometimes, you try to stay friends with both even if they hate each other. Then you are stuck in middle listening to Sasha moan that Irina never loved him, and Irina moan because Sasha was unambitious and could never get act together enough to buy second sturgeon cart. Is very difficult!

I think of Sasha and Irina when I see very great assets … er, friends, my friends Donald Trump and Elon Musk having very painful breakup. But they were so good together! Elon help get Donald elected president, which is good for Vladimir and Russia. Donald let Elon absolutely destroy American government, which is also good for Vladimir and Mother Russia. I need to remain friends with Donald so he will abandon phony Ukraine nation, and I must remain friends with Elon because he is world’s richest man and also easily manipulated moron, and what important world leader doesn’t want friend like that?

You see is very delicate situation! And then on Friday a member of Russian Duma, Dmitry Novikov, promise Russia will grant Elon asylum if he needs it. I call him and say, Dmitry Georgievich, what are you doing? What if Donald becomes angry and says he will not do trade deals with Russia after all? What if Europe stops buying our natural gas and we need to sell it to Americans so economy does not collapse? Did you not think of this?

And he says, Vladimir Vladimirovich, do we not need Elon Musk as well? Have we not said we hope to contribute nuclear technology to help him get to Mars? Do we not want help from SpaceX with our own space programs? Do we not still want him to kill Starlink over Ukraine so phony Nazi nation cannot use it against gallant Russian military?

And you know what? Dmitry Georgievich, I say, you are not wrong! This is good thinking! I will not have you thrown out of tall window, perhaps! Then I laugh. I am sure he got message.

But you can imagine awkwardness, yes? What if Elon calls and asks if he can crash on couch? What if Donald calls and says Vladimir, I hear Elon is flying his private jet to Russia. It sure would be a shame if he forgot to check for any stray grenades in the luggage compartment first, wink wink!

As your Homer Simpson once said, you can see bind Vladimir is in. Perhaps I will tell security services to forget to check both Elon’s plane and Air Force One for grenades on Donald’s next visit.

Wonkette, you heard nothing!

[Kyiv Independent]

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