Hold Your Nose, House Ethics Committee Probing Matt Gaetz Again
No comment from Nestor.
Well would ya lookie here, it’s a renewed House Ethics Committee probe into greaseball Matt Gaetz and his allegedly drug-fueled sex-trafficky activities, and it has new, secret allegations!
On Tuesday, the bipartisan committee put out a rare statement confirming that disgusting allegations against lamprey-faced Gaetz “merit continued review,” and also that they have “identified additional allegations” and interviewed at least six women who “partied” with him. Additional, you say? Intriguing!
It’s the probe that keeps coming back, just like grundle herpes!
Even the Republicans really hate this guy and his big stupid face after he shanked Kevin McCarthy (allegedly because McCarthy wouldn’t somehow kill this very investigation). And now Matt’s facing a primary challenge for Florida’s First Congressional District on August 20, in the person of retired Naval officer Aaron Dimmock. Will late-breaking even-more-super-gross revelations about the taxpayer-supported travels of Matt’s peen be enough to convince Floridians to get rid of him and his greasy cowlick once and for all? We shall see!
The committee began investigating Congressman Coke Orgy in April of 2021 over allegations he “engaged in sexual misconduct and/or illicit drug use, shared inappropriate images or videos on the House floor, misused state identification records, converted campaign funds to personal use, and/or accepted a bribe, improper gratuity, or impermissible gift, in violation of House Rules, laws, or other standards of conduct.” It referred findings to the DOJ, which for some reason decided not to charge Gaetz and ended their investigation last year.
But like crabs in your bedsheets, the committee has picked back up the warm trail! They report that in the past months they’ve reviewed thousands of pages of records and interviewed 25 witnesses, including six women who said Gaetz Venmo’d them to “party” with him, winky wink, snorty snort snort, glug gluggy glug, wanka wanka, including the one who said she was paid to have sex with his nasty ass when she was 17. Bleccch.
The committee’s not divulging the specifics of these investigations, but reporters have dug up quite a bit on their own, let’s review! Make sure you have finished digesting your breakfast before proceeding.
Our story begins with the feds probing Matt’s BFF, former Seminole County tax commissioner Joel Greenberg, in 2020. Greenberg was up to all kinds of crazy shit, was indicted on 33 charges, and later pleaded guilty to child sex trafficking, plus identity theft, wire fraud, and stalking, and is serving an 11-year sentence for his misdeeds. And in the course of investigating Greenberg and friends’ phones, the Feds came across incriminating messages and Venmos from old Matty cheapsuit, regarding the 17-year-old and also other legal-age-but-way-too-young-for-him ladies.
Gaetz would allegedly send money to Greenberg and say "Hit up ________."
And the _________ would be a very young woman's name. Then coincidentally Greenberg would Venmo those exact same amounts to ________ for “school,” “tuition,” or sometimes for love hotel emoji ("🏩"), kissy lips emoji (“💋”), “ice cream,” or some other cutesy not-very-subtle code that was a totally normal thing for 30-something men to type. Read more here! Oh, and Gaetz allegedly wrote his sex hotel off as an expense, too, because serving Florida taxpayers un-high and with blue balls, that’s nonpossible!
IT’S GROSS!
The paid ladies would go to Gaetz and Greenberg’s parties, wherein there were bedrooms designated for sex, other old leches they were expected to have sex with, and lots of booze, cocaine, and MDMA. Matt was 36 at the time, by the way. And single, though he did have a mysterious Cuban son named Nestor.
This whole story is Mad Libs on acid, as one Liz Dye might say.
Many of the love hotel ice cream payments Greenberg made went to a young woman who would later happen to get a job as a Capitol Hill intern and be Gaetz’s “girlfriend,” as Gaetz referred to the woman whose nudes he allegedly showed around on the House floor. Funny how Gaetz spent years in Florida trying to kill a “revenge porn” bill.
Anyway, in 2017-18 Gaetz and this intern girlfriend entered into an “open relationship” with a then-17-year-old girl, or as liberals might call it, “solicited child prostitution.” As Wonkette reported back in 2021, Gaetz was accused of taking the girl and a couple of sugarbabies to the Bahamas at the expense of a hand surgeon who deals pot on the side, possibly the “accepting a bribe” thing the committee is talking about.
CHRIST ALMIGHTY!
And possibly the obstruction part: When Greenberg and Gaetz realized the Feds had the receipts of their roving kiddie-diddling, Gaetz’s then-“girlfriend” the intern called up their younger third and patched in Gaetz, who said some unknown but apparently obstruct-y sounding things, even though he is a lawyer and ought to have known better. CNN and Politico reported Gaetz also hired a private investigator who quietly “sought to gauge the support of some of the women he partied with as well as other people in his circle who are of interest to investigators.”
Hey, psst, you remember a guy named Matt? Pasty and greasy, giant forehead, never wears a suit that fits?? Still like him?? Enough to 😶 🏩 🙏 ???
(We imagine.)
And all that filth is just the stuff that busy reporters dug up. You can only imagine what kind of 🦨 🚮 details investigators with subpoenas might have found.
A little good news for Gaetz, the committee says it will no longer pursue allegations that he “may have shared inappropriate images or videos on the House floor, misused state identification records, converted campaign funds to personal use, and/or accepted a bribe or improper gratuity.”
Bad news, they’re still mighty titillated about the sex and drugs.
Hey, remember back in February how Gaetz asked Hunter Biden, “Were you on drugs when you were on the Burisma board?” and Hunter was balls out like, “Mr. Gaetz, look me in the eye. You really think that's appropriate to ask me? [...] Of all the people sitting around this table, do you think that's appropriate to ask me?"
Wonder if Matt Gaetz owned a gun while he was allegedly doing all of those drugs? ATF, if you’re listening …
Gaetz is super mad about all of this, of course, and Xitting:
“This is Soviet. Kevin McCarthy showed them the man, and they are now trying to find the crime. I work for Northwest Floridians who won’t be swayed by this nonsense and McCarthy and his goons know it.”
Guess in a few months he’ll find out!
Now we need a shower.
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I once got turned down for a job - a promotion inside my office that went to an attractive young woman. When the announcement was made in a meeting that was mostly men, a bunch of them started sniggering and smiling and giving one another these knowing looks. I don't think they knew I'd applied for the job.
It turned out that a couple years before, someone had gotten ahold of sexually explicit photos of this young woman and had handed them around the office. So all these guys were in on it.
It was one of the grossest things I ever witnessed in an employment situation. Later one of the guys went to prison for sexual assault, so that was some kind of vindication. But it's the others - like those on the floor of Congress who no doubt had the same sniggering reaction when Matt Gaetz showed around his photos - who stick in my mind.
You know, I've always felt hurt that, when I was in high school, I wasn't very popular with girls.
Somehow it's reassuring that Matt Gaetz didn't get his first high school girlfriend until he was almost 40.*
*It's a joke, folks. Give me a break.