Jesse Watters Openly Fantasizing About Trump's Prison Body, NO WAIT COME BACK!
Sorry if you can't handle the news.
Good news, everyone. Donald Trump is willing to go to jail.
“I’ll do that sacrifice any day,” Trump said after his latest completed day of poot-snoozing his way through his New York criminal trial. His gag order (which he keeps violating) is “disgraceful,” he said, but “Our Constitution is much more important than jail.” Whatever, dude.
The point is that he says he’s willing to go there, so Judge Juan Merchan should hold him to it, however reluctant he may be.
TODAY!
Meanwhile on Fox News, Jesse Watters is openly fantasizing about what might happen when Trump goes to jail. Not like a Resist Lib fantasizes, fapping to Trump getting lost in a dark corner of the prison basement and spending the rest of his life there accusing rodents of rigging elections against him. Watters is fantasizing about what kind of sex body Trump is going to get in jail.
If your Fox News-loving uncle starts wanking it at the dinner table, this could be why. (Or it could be for a hundred other inappropriate reasons.)
“He’s going to come out with a prison body,” said Jesse, trying to be all casual about it, like he was just stating a very sexy fact, casually. “That’s what happens when you go to prison. You work out, that’s all there is to do.”
It doesn’t even cross Watters’s mind that Trump might use the time to learn how to read words good. Or knit tiny mittens for his tiny hands. Maybe he can make a birdhouse!
Nope. Jesse Watters is just imagining Trump working out, his Trump sweat dripping out of the back of his Trump head and down his Trump back.
We feel so sorry for the Fox News janitor on shift in Watters’s studio last night.
A couple things here about High King Waddles-a-Lot of Mar-a-Lago:
Trump thinks exercise kills you.
The only kind of “exercise” he does is cheating at golf.
And then there is the longstanding matter of those bone spurs, which have sadly prevented Trump from doing so many things he in his patriotic heart has dreamed about, throughout his entire life.
And wasn't Jesse Watters literally just saying Trump is too old to go to court every day? How does that square with him taking on a rigorous workout routine in the clink?
Donald Trump is physically incapable of standing like a normal person. Look at him trying to stand and hold pizza at the same time.
What does Jesse Watters think that man is going to do in prison? What kind of workout regimen?
Does he think Trump is going to be pumping iron?
Does he think Trump is going to do Arnold presses?
Does he think Trump is going to do squats?
Maybe some burpees?
Is Jesse Watters getting hard reading this?
Does he think Trump is going to do lunges?
Does he think Trump is going to do those old people exercises where he raises his little feets and hands and wiggles them around to the right, and then back to the left, maybe while some Lawrence Welk is playing?
Does he think Trump is going to raise up on one side out of his chair, and then the other? Because that’s just farts.
Does he think Trump is going to do yoga? Maybe a little downward-facing dog? Still just farts.
Pilates?
Jazzercise?
Just curious exactly what this looks like in Jesse Watters’s detailed fantasies.
We know MAGA men really like to inflate Trump’s physical characteristics, posting their little memes of Trump with a hot body and codpieces and all that. We know they like to imagine him with a wangus that doesn’t look like a little Nintendo mushroom.
Which reminds us that Stormy Daniels is testifying in Trump’s criminal trial today, hiiiiiiiii, Stormy Daniels! Have a good time testifying, Stormy Daniels!
This post started with Jesse Watters slobbering over Donald Trump’s prison body, but it finished with Stormy Daniels fucking Trump up in court literally today, right to his face.
Hey remember that time Stormy Daniels talked about Trump’s Yeti Pubes in her book? "I lay there, annoyed that I was getting fucked by a guy with Yeti pubes and a dick like the mushroom character in Mario Kart,” that was her exact quote, which is pertinent to Trump’s criminal trial!
Maybe he could spend some time in jail trimming those.
OK, good blog post, we nailed it as usual, Wonkette out.
[video via Acyn]
Jesse Watters Says Trump Much Too OLD For Criminal Trials. Much Too Who What Now? OLD, He Said OLD.
Evan Hurst on Twitter right here.
@evanjosephhurst on Threads!
I have profiles those other places but I think I forgot how to log on.
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Hey, in case I need to remind you filthy fuckaducks: while it's fine to imagine Donald Trump having to eat nutri-loaf without any ketchup, the topic of "prison" DOES NOT mean that joking about prison rape, dropping the soap, being Bubba's bitch, or even the prospect of the grifting bastard getting a beatdown in the exercise yard have magically become OK.
The Commenting Rules remain in place. You don't have to say anything nice about the shitbag, but violent fantasies will not be tolerated.
Not sure if a comment is over the line? DON'T FUCKING POST IT, THEN.
— Yr Moderator.
https://www.wonkette.com/p/rules-for-commenting-radicals
Oh my, I barfed. A lot.