Jesse Watters Really Getting Off On Pete Hegseth’s Whiskey Wing-Wang Boat Murder Pornos
He should at least close and lock the door.
There seems to be a consenus growing among MAGA men about why Pete Hegseth’s dry/wet/dunno drunk boat murder strikes are so awesome, and it’s the same as Pete Hegseth’s reason: It makes him feel like his wing-wang works and is big and strong and capable of performing on its own without pharmaceuticals or a book’s work of affirmations. And they, the MAGA men, are in turn living vicariously through Pete Hegseth’s wing-wang.
The man who will become the avatar for all this is, of course, Jesse Watters. Who else has such bitter, seething masculine insecurity issues raging just beneath the surface, the kind that rival Hegseth’s own bitter, seething masculine insecurity issues? OK, dumb question, we just described every MAGA white man. But Watters is on Fox News, being as weird about it as he can possibly be.
Jesse explained how watching videos of boat murders are basically his PornHub:
“This is the most popular foreign policy action of Trump’s second term: killing narco-terrorists. You know what the second one is? Bombing the Iran nuclear program. So, the Democrats are now coming out against the two most popular things Trump’s done abroad this year. Dumb. People love these videos. They hit your feed, they’re like, yes, let’s go. Hit them again, and if you’re against it, you sound like a lawyerly, whiny, effeminate weasel.”
These videos hit Jesse’s feed and it’s like YES, LET’S GO. Does his close his door before he unzips and it’s YES, LET’S GO time? We do not know. But he’s just pretty sure he’s not alone, that “people” love these videos, that “people” love living vicariously through Pete Hegseth’s whiskey wing-wang boat murder videos like this.
Hey, if “people” love these videos so much, they should make a MAGA version of PornHub that adds vicarious violence videos to the incest roleplay that already dominates porn these days, because if we were to hazard a wild guess who’s driving that porn traffic in the first place …
We are just over here coming up with business ideas.
AND IF YOU DON’T LIKE THESE VIDEOS, YOU’RE “EFFEMINATE.”
(He means gay. Which seems unfair to us, because we’re sure there are some racist loser white MAGA gays out there with equally pathetic masculine insecurity issues to Jesse’s, who are totally wanking it to Hegseth’s WARFIGHTER speeches. We bet if you went to the Kennedy Center to meet the “A-Gays” showing up for Ric Grenell’s dumbed-down-for-MAGA artistic performances and asked who’s wanking it to Hegseth’s WARFIGHTER speeches, a bunch of people would raise just their left hand.)
As JoeMyGod reminds us about Jesse Watters’s masculine insecurity issues, he thinks a lot of things are “effeminate.” (Gay.) He thinks sucking out of straws is gay. He thinks ice cream cones are gay. He thinks eating soup in public is gay. He thinks crossing your legs is gay. He thinks milkshakes are gay.
He has assured audiences that Stephen Miller is a “high-value” man who is “not overcompensating,” and he knows this firsthand because he knows Stephen Miller. He is the one who first used the term “sexual matador” to describe Stephen Miller, at least in a place where people could hear him.
And of course, as a prissy Fox News host, Jesse is approximately as equally qualified to talk about military stuff as Secretary Shitfaced himself, himself a prissy former Fox News host and nothing more. Goodness, the things they have in common! Jesse Watters is a man who once bragged that he swindled his now-wife into agreeing to enter a closed space with him by letting the air out of her tires. Meanwhile one time a woman said Secretary Shitfaced raped her and he paid her off to shut up.
Just typical MAGA guys!
It’s clear that simple-minded Fox News idiots and other right-wing media were already going to be on board with WhiskeyDick’s boat murders. People who are incapable of thinking in anything besides either/or constructions like Brian Kilmeade, who said recently that either you are on the side of the drug dealers or you are for these strikes.
Greg Gutfeld rubbed himself off to the September 2 video back when it happened: “Trump just said to America, I hear you, watch this. The sharks are happy. They just got a big free meal.” Later, he said he was fine with there being two strikes, saying “Maybe it’s going to take two strikes. In bowling, they call it a spare,” and “It’s just better for us to kill them in the ocean, make them shark feed, be done with it.” (His wanking over this seems fairly focused on the sharks.)
Megyn Kelly has been really turned on by the graphic nature of the boat murders, saying Trump and Shitfaced should “make it last a long time, so that they lose a limb and bleed out a little,” and “I’d really like to see them suffer.” Probably shouldn’t leave that lady alone with children!
Podcast weirdo Dave Rubin has gushed that Secretary Shitfaced is just “blowing up the boats” instead of dealing with stinky old “paperwork.” (See, told you there are MAGA gays wanking to this and that Jesse Watters is just being a real homophobic bitch.)
But yes, of course, Jesse Watters is the weirdest, will always be the weirdest. We just hope he remembers to lock the door to his office whenever a Pete Hegseth boat murder video comes up on his “feed.”
Not even Fox News staffers should have to see that.
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A guy with a face full of makeup defending another guy with a face full of makeup by calling people who oppose them “effeminate.”
If murdering strangers in cold blood is wrong, MAGA doesn’t want to be right. Got it.