Judge Boxwine Won’t Put Joe Biden In Jail For ‘Autopen,’ Because Idiot
Also because 'autopen' is not a crime, turns out.
It’s becoming a tale as old as time.
Dementia Hitler president meets Judge Boxwine. Dementia Hitler makes Judge Boxwine the US attorney in charge of Washington DC. US Attorney Boxwine throws a glass of wine at Dementia Hitler’s face, but out of joy, not anger. Dementia Hitler says “PUT ALL MY ENEMIES IN JAIL FOR SOMETHING!” US Attorney Boxwine is an obedient Boxwine, and she tries to make up a crime, and tries to convince a grand jury to go along with it. “Aggravated sandwiching!” “First degree saying the law out loud!”
“CAPITAL AUTOPEN-NING!”
Grand juries do not go along with it. US Attorney Boxwine fails. Again.
Feast your eyes on a box full of embarrassment:
![US Attorney Boxwine Can’t Convict Her Way Out Of A Paper [SLOSH!] Ham Sandwich](https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/$s_!fvHy!,w_140,h_140,c_fill,f_webp,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep,g_auto/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2Fe5243ca3-fdc1-4276-b01a-b51f2a81b9a5_2722x1406.jpeg)
This situation isn’t limited to US Attorney Jeanine Pirro’s jurisdiction, of course. Idiot US attorneys making up crimes to charge Trump foes with are sweeping the nation! And all those US attorneys are dumb as hell too!
But since DC is where Donald Trump has put most of the people he’s hired off Fox News because he thinks they’re real celebrities, DC is where a lot of the most amusing fuckery and incompetence is raging these days.
New York Times, headline us:
Hahahahahaha, well damn, that is a tough break. Couldn’t figure out how to Smurf up an alleged crime called “autopen”?
Our fascists are such dipshits.
If you’ve been following Trump 2.0 — and how could you have missed it? — you are aware that Donald Trump’s syphilitic brain seems convinced that everything his predecessor did was invalid because “autopen.” That Joe Biden did not actually sign any bills, ever, and moreover had no idea he was signing bills, because “autopen.”
The way the conspiracy theory goes, Biden was busy in the wilderness of having dementia episodes — probably sitting on the toilet posting on Truth Social about windmills, if we know dementia patients! — while meanwhile all his elves were in their autopen factory whistling while they shot out executive orders and pardons.
(Why do all these elves in the picture we’re painting look like Stephen Miller? Oh yeah, because every accusation is a confession with these goons.)
The conspiracy theory has so infected what’s left of Donald Trump’s brain that when he was assembling his special dementia wall of presidents — it comforts him — he put a picture of an autopen where Joe Biden’s portrait should be.
But it turns out there is actually no evidence that Joe Biden had no idea what his autopen factory was signing, at least not any evidence Pirro and her crack team of law geniuses could find at the bottom of a Bota Box, and they quietly dropped the effort and pretended it never happened.
The Times explains the pattern:
Some of those cases were rejected by grand juries, some were rejected by judges and some, like the autopen case, were abandoned by prosecutors.
And the Times explains the fascism:
But the fact that prosecutors even pursued the matter to begin with reflects the degree to which Mr. Trump has sought to use the levers of government to undermine Mr. Biden’s presidency by seizing on an unsubstantiated theory: that the pardons Mr. Biden issued in his final months in office were invalid because he did not have the mental capacity to consent to them. […]
[T]he failed inquiry has only added to the sense among many federal investigators that Mr. Trump has become increasingly erratic in his desire to use the criminal justice system to punish his political adversaries for behavior that comes nowhere close to being criminal. Time and again, prosecutors in U.S. attorneys’ offices across the country have been pressured to open investigations into Mr. Trump’s foes and have responded with various reactions — some pushing ahead with inquiries they may not fully believe in and others pushing back by refusing to prosecute or resigning in protest.
And the Times explains what a champion US Attorney Boxwine is in the Olympic sport of failing on multiple fronts at once:
The inquiry was quietly shelved in recent months, around the time that prosecutors under Ms. Pirro sought and failed to secure an indictment in a different case: one against six Democratic lawmakers who posted a video in the fall that enraged Mr. Trump by reminding active-duty members of the military and intelligence community that they were obligated to refuse to follow illegal orders.
Dang, that is a lot of failure. You’d think she’d get tired of being so bad at everything all the time, but maybe it is her kink and we shouldn’t shame.
The Times explains that according to its sources, longtime prosecutors were “skeptical from the outset” that they could rustle up an indictment surrounding the word “autopen,” just as they were when Pirro was trying to make them indict Mark Kelly and the other lawmakers for stating out loud that troops have a duty to refuse to obey illegal orders. So if any of those longtime prosecutors are ever applying for a job at a hot shit law firm in the future, please understand that they were skeptical from the outset and only following orders.
They also explain that the autopen investigation at the DC US attorney’s office actually started under that fuckin’ moron Ed Martin, who may be dumber and more incompetent than Boxwine.
The autopen investigation continued after Mr. Martin was removed from the prosecutor’s office and replaced by Ms. Pirro, but it suffered from several crucial problems, according to the people familiar with the inquiry, speaking on the condition of anonymity to discuss deliberations that are supposed to remain secret. Investigators were never quite clear what crime, if any, had been committed by the Biden administration’s use of the autopen.
So Joe Biden will not be getting indicted for “autopen,” unless of course another effort pops up in another US attorney’s office, like herpes. A lot of these types of things end up rearing their heads in different jurisdictions, like herpes. Is there another Trump goon stupid enough to heed this call? Of course, there are lots stupid enough to do that.
That guy in Miami, maybe? Does he have time to lick that section of Trump’s ass?
Whatever happens, they will fail, and we will laugh at it.
Want to read more Evan than just what’s at Wonkette? Visit The Moral High Ground and subscribe to it!
Follow me on Instagram!
And on BlueSky!
And on Facebook!
This is what separates this regime from the garden variety banana republics - at least in most tinpot dictatorships they aren't bone-deep stupid.
Every single fucking day I'm even more amazed how stupid he is....