Let's Celebrate A Year Of RFK Jr By Watching Him Drink Milk In A Hot Tub With Kid Rock, While Wearing Jeans
Also there's a dead bear, because why wouldn't there be?
It’s officially been a year (and five days) since Robert F. Kennedy Jr. became the Secretary of Health and Human Services, and yet it seems so much longer. In that time, he has broken multiple promises he made in order to secure the votes needed for his confirmation — such as killing millions of dollars of funding for vaccine programs, clearing out the Advisory Committee on Immunization Practices (ACIP) and replacing them all with anti-vaxx weirdos, making some real deadly changes to the childhood vaccine schedule, etc. etc.
We’ve also learned so much more about him than we ever wanted to know, thanks to his deeply creepy affair with Olivia Nuzzi and periodic confessions about things like snorting cocaine off of toilet seats. We have read his poetry and wanted to die in our faces.
Yr open mouth awaiting my harvest / Drink from me Love / I mean to squeeze your cheeks to force open your mouth. / I’ll hold your nose as you look up at me to encourage you to swallow. / ‘Dont spill a drop’. / I am a river You are my canyon. / I mean to flow through you. / I mean to subdue and tame you. My Love.
Cue internal screaming. So, so much internal screaming.
And yet, somehow, this man has one of the most devoted fan bases on earth. I don’t know if they’ve actually read his poetry, as they exist in an entirely different news bubble than we do, but there does not seem to be anything he can do to put them off their lunches.
Even, somehow, guzzling milk in a hot tub with noted paragon of health and wellness Kid Rock, while wearing jeans.
In what is definitely the weirdest thing I’ve seen done with milk since Tyra Banks made a bunch of aspiring models get made up as other races for what I hope was a fake Got Milk campaign, Secretary Brain Worms posted a video on Tuesday of him and Kid Rock eating, working out and, again, guzzling milk in a hot tub while wearing jeans.
Because nothing screams “healthy” like a guy who gets wasted and pulls guns out on Rolling Stone reporters.
The post on Xitter and Instagram is captioned “I’ve teamed up with Kid Rock to deliver two simple messages to the American people: GET ACTIVE + EAT REAL FOOD,” a message his devoted fan base of people not confused by the concept of wearing jeans in a hot tub was very excited to hear. It’s a line they’ve been obsessed with for years, angrily crying that this is all anyone has to do to not be overweight — which, you know, we know for a fact is not actually true — in order to justify being shitty to fat people.
Naturally, the video is set to “Bawitdaba,” Kid Rock’s classic ode to topless dancers, chicks with beepers, caps of meth, hookers, punctured veins and several other family-friendly subjects that Kennedy surely finds relatable.
It is very rock and roll, you can tell by the, um, shark jumping in front of an American flag.
And the dead bear wearing a trilby. So nice that they can bond over their shared love of dead bears!
Following that intro, the two go on about their day in a normal fashion, making food and posing enthusiastically and holding a sign in front of a petite reproduction of the Statue of Liberty — which does feel somewhat ironic given the administration’s stance against literally everything the inscription on the statue stands for, particularly the part about taking in the tired and poor masses yearning to be free.
Then they sat in an indoor car, for reasons.
Following that (and a brief interlude of fire), they commenced their workout.
As is his wont, Kennedy wore jeans while working out. And he also wore them in a sauna and in an ice plunge.
Now, I know he’s not concerned with germs, due to the aforementioned “snorting cocaine off of toilet seats” thing, but dude is just asking for a fungal infection at this point. What is this about? Many commenters posited that he could very well be a nevernude.
He then either loses Kid Rock or has an acid flashback to that time he went dinosaur bone hunting with Jeffrey Epstein.
Aha! Kid Rock, that scamp, is in the hot tub. But their workout time is not over yet, because there is pickleball. Because of course there’s pickleball. Or is there? Because, if you will notice, those jeans are not wet. As I cannot possibly risk putting jeans in the dryer as every inch of length is a precious gift preventing me from having my own flashbacks to kids in school screaming “highwaters!” at me, I am quite familiar with how long it takes jeans to dry, and it is not “less than five minutes.”
Did he change into new jeans? Is this not the same day? What is happening with the timeline here!
Well, those jeans did not stay dry for long, because after pickleball, they both decided to take a dip in the hot tub, while drinking a refreshing glass of whole milk.
Oh yeah, drinking milk in wet jeans in Kid Rock’s hot tub, while the scent of chlorine wafts around you! What a definitely not gross thing to do!
I don’t know, I don’t even really mess with regular hot tubs because my mom worked in a hospital and instilled within me a healthy fear of flesh-eating bacteria … but I don’t even want to begin to consider what kind of new and horrible lifeforms are developing in the primordial soup that is surely Kid Rock’s hot tub. He looks dirty all of the time and you cannot tell me that he has not thrown up in there before.
Also … milk in a hot tub? Milk. In a hot tub. While wearing jeans. Jeans that, mind you, are probably shrinking as he toasts. With milk. In a hot tub.
On a less silly note, I do feel the need to point out that there is a long association with white supremacist nonsense and drinking milk — based on their belief that the ability to drink milk is exclusive to white people and a symbol of their genetic superiority. For a while, there was a trend of these freaks chugging milk to demonstrate said superiority. I don’t know that RFK Jr is swift enough to pick up on that or be aware of it, but I’m certain that more than a few people in the administration are.
It does seem, however, that RFK Jr is just getting jazzed about whole milk because he probably can’t promote raw milk as much as he’d like to these days, on account of how it keeps making people very sick.
Now, I am not a health expert, but I do know there is a lot more to health than just “eating right and doing exercise” — like, for instance, not doing shit that invites bacteria into one’s nether regions, universal health care and not spreading germs. Also, not doing cocaine off of toilet seats or drunkenly waving guns around. Vaccines are pretty helpful as well, and if children get them like they are supposed to, we don’t end up in situations like we have now, with 910 measles cases by mid-February.
Unfortunately, it’s pretty clear that the Secretary and the Trump administration writ large are nowhere near as interested in any of that as they are hanging out or swooning over the few faded stars who can stand them.
PREVIOUSLY ON WONKETTE!
9 out of 10 Vogans polled agreed it was the worst poetry they had ever seen.
the 10th was struck speechless and had to seek medical attention
There's something to be said for living in downtown proper.
I walked a few blocks to the post office and dropped off 100 Postcards to Swing States (to NC, reminding them that Republicans are trying to roll-back a Biden-era rule keeping medical debt off their credit scores), then walked to a local pizza place to pick up a late lunch, then to a local coffee shop, and then back to my apartment.
All in just under 30 minutes.