Lying Mouthpiece Karoline Leavitt Taking Her Broomstick And Flying Home
Goodbye and good, good, good riddance.
It is hard to remember now because it happened 300 years ago, but there was a time when we didn’t think Donald Trump could find a press secretary dumber than Sean Spicer. Then he gave us Sarah Huckabee Sanders, and we wondered if he could find a press secretary who was both meaner and dumber. To say nothing of how Sanders had a way of arching her eyebrow so she looked like she was waiting for a traveler to answer three questions before she let them cross her bridge.
After Sanders, Trump gave us Stephanie Grisham, about whom we can’t say much because she never held a press briefing and barely went on camera at all. Then we got Kayleigh McEnany, who was somehow also dumber than all her predecessors and even more openly and annoyingly self-righteous.
But Karoline Leavitt topped them all — in meanness, in dumbness, in the size and visibility of the cross she would wear around her neck so we would know she was very godly while she lied to us. Her willingness to stand up in the White House press room and fire off the most insane lies, to glaze Donald Trump as the greatest president anyone had ever seen, to back up his late-night social media ramblings as if they were the most profound of statements and not the faint sparks of a diseased and dying mind, was breathtaking.
Leavitt announced on Wednesday that she will be leaving her role after 18 months as far and away both the youngest and the worst human being to ever occupy the position. It is a remarkable achievement. She made Ari Fleischer look statesman-like. She made Dana Perino look scholarly. She made Spicer look dignified, and that was a guy who might as well have been wearing big floppy shoes and a red nose every day to work.
Leavitt says she is leaving to spend more time with her young kids and her AARP-eligible husband, who at 60 is 32 years her senior. This has always been confusing to us as a middle-aged man. On the one hand, hey, good for you, finding a woman that young to love you in a society that often isn’t particularly kind about May-December romances. (Though we’ll bet his being a millionaire didn’t hurt his chances.)
On the other hand, that woman is Karoline Leavitt.
Anyway, her family is Leavitt’s stated reason for leaving. We wonder, though, if spending the next few months trying to spin what are likely to be horrific election results for Trump and the Republican Party might have been too much for even someone of her prodigious bullshitting abilities.
As several wags have probably observed by now, obviously Leavitt had had enough of dealing with Trump’s infantile behavior, so she is quitting working for him to spend more time with her toddler and her infant. And it’s not really a joke. The Daily Beast reports that during her recent maternity leave, Trump constantly pestering her about when she would come back got on her nerves enough to be a factor in her decision:
One source close to Leavitt told the newspaper that “she had been strongly weighing whether to quit during maternity leave, as the president would contact her often and repeatedly ask when she was coming back.”
Sure, if it was up to Trump, she’d have come right to work after checking out of the hospital. He probably thinks 11 weeks of maternity leave was appallingly generous.
You know who is apparently going to miss Karoline Leavitt? Besides Trump and every other degenerate who works for him? The White House press corps, apparently. At least based on this skeet from Eric Lipton of The New York Times:
It was all of a month ago that Lipton and four of his colleagues were subpoenaed by the Justice Department because the White House was on a witch hunt for the sources who had leaked to them about Trump flying his giant bribe jet to Turkey before it was fully ready — a story which just this week turned out to be even more Trump administration lies than we knew at the time! The press office being nice and helpful to reporters is literally their fucking job, and they couldn’t do it without lying their asses off.
For God’s sake. Leavitt calls reporters left-wing hacks to their faces at press briefings. Have at least a tiny amount of pride.
We understand the Biden press office was much tougher to deal with. But good Lord, man, you are being used by fascists to launder their fascism. If the fascists were nice to you while they did so, fine, but we wouldn’t recommend publicly hooting about it.
Leavitt leaves us with so many memories, too many to recount here. So instead, we’ll turn to the important question of what mean, dumb, galactic asshole will replace Karoline Leavitt? As we said, it’s always hard to imagine Trump finding someone worse, and who could be worse than Karoline Leavitt? Eva Braun? Candace Owens? A Chatty Cathy doll modified so that it only says the n-word?
The speculation is already running wild, likely because allies of potential candidates are leaking to the press in the hopes of boosting their person’s chances. Someone told the Daily Beast that resident CNN wingnut asshole Scott Jennings is the current front-runner. We’re guessing Abby Phillips and every other panelist on her show is praying this is true. Shoot, we wouldn’t be surprised if one of them is the source of the story.
Meanwhile, sources told the New York Post the current frontrunners are Alina Habba and Matthew Boyle. Habba would be an obvious choice: She’s mean, she’s telegenic, and she’s the sort of Trump loyalist who would probably need deprogramming by an expert in cults if her loved ones staged an intervention. Boyle is a longtime reporter and editor for Breitbart who has given Trump enough fawning interviews to nauseate the entire population of China several times over. He’s also about as telegenic as a used paper towel. We once referred to him as an “ambulatory tub of cookie dough.” A decade later, we stand by that characterization.
Other possibilities we’ve seen tossed around already include current communications director Steven Cheung and Nazi fraulein Katie Miller. We do not want to contemplate the horrors that would arise from both Katie and her Gentleman of a husband working in the White House again, given how much more unhinged this administration has somehow been than the last time Trump was in power.
So, a big one-finger farewell to Karoline Leavitt, a terrible person who has said terrible things that will stain America around the world for decades after she is gone. We will mostly remember her as a giant pair of lips screaming into a microphone about Donald Trump being the most persecuted president ever, but also the most energetic and successful, and he could be even more successful if the press didn’t crap on him all the time and the communists in the Democratic Party didn’t keep voting against his brilliant legislation that will make America greater than ever. And so much more garbage that made you marvel at the fact that any person could do what she did and still look herself in the mirror every day.
Whether Leavitt believed any of her crap herself is irrelevant. Spewing it in the first place is what made her a hideous press secretary and an all-around shit of a human being. Amazing to think that whoever follows her will be even worse.
OPEN THREAD.
[Daily Beast / Daily Beast / NY Post]
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It is time for another cat pic as album cover!
Harry Sings Songs of Purraise for Ceiling Cat.
(he went through a religious phase, Catlick)
https://substack.com/@ziggywiggy/note/c-313882827?utm_source=notes-share-action&r=2knfuc
People may find this surprising, but when the cameras were off and nobody else could see, Leavitt lied to me promptly AND COURTEOUSLY. Regardless of what she said when everyone else could see, privately she always told me polite lies. And I have appreciated that.