Matt Gaetz Sex Scandal Flares Up Again Like Antibiotic-Resistant Gonorrhea

Ethics Committee waiting on gloves, eye protection before proceeding

Rep. Matt Gaetz, a man with a forehead-to-brain ratio that might bring pity from Neanderthals, is just done, absolutely done with the House Ethics Committee and all its questions about whether he does drugs and fucks teenagers, and if you demand he answer any more questions about these issues he will hold his breath until he turns blue, passes out, and smashes his giant forehead against the nearest coffee table with all the force of the meteor that created the Chesapeake Bay slamming into the Earth.

That is the tone of the letter Gaetz sent to the committee on Thursday announcing his intention to no longer cooperate with its ongoing investigation of his past behavior that reportedly included drug use and possible sex trafficking of teenagers. We can’t blame him. If we had allegedly bragged to colleagues on the House floor about doing all that stuff, while in the grip of some delusion that normal human adults—well, semi-normal, this is Congress after all — would be impressed, we also would not cooperate with the investigation because we would be too busy resigning our seat and fleeing to a country the US does not have an extradition treaty with.

We, however, have a vague sense of shame and we are not an overgrown fraternity brother who really misses our carefree youthful days of keggers and date rape. So there’s that.

Anyway, to the whiny storm of self-pity in the form of a letter:

I am being investigated and judged by my political opponents. This is Soviet.

If Gaetz was in the Soviet Union, he would not have been investigated. He would have been dragged out of his house in the middle of the night and sent off to a gulag to spend twenty years smashing rocks against each other. He certainly would not have gotten to walk around freely living his life while a subcommittee of the Politburo asked repeatedly for his cooperation. Christ, read a book.

Your correspondence of September 4 asks whether I have engaged in sexual activity with any individual under 18. The answer to this question is unequivocally NO. You can apply this response to every version of this question, in any forum.

Congressman Gaetz, have you not ever not boned a teenager? We’ll take your answer on-air.

You ask whether I have illegally taken drugs. I have not used drugs which are illegal, absent some law allowing me in a jurisdiction of the United States. I have not used “illicit” drugs, which I consider to be drugs unlawful for medical or over-the-counter use everywhere in the United States.

Fun fact: cocaine is a Schedule II drug and legal for medical use. Also possession was decriminalized in Oregon in 2020. Someone check Gaetz’s travel history to see if he has been making frequent trips to Portland.

Or he could have just said “No, I have not used illegal drugs” instead of this lawyerly horseshit.

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Then there are several paragraphs of blah blah blah accusing Joel Greenberg, a former friend of Gaetz now serving 11 years in prison for sex trafficking teenagers, of falsely smearing him. This does not really explain all the other people who have accused Gaetz of boinking teenagers and hoovering up cocaine and Viagra like a manic armadillo, but jeez, man, we just wrote about them last week.

I believe the Biden Justice Department leaked to the New York Times in 2021 to impact the behavior and testimony of witnesses. My bases for this belief is a recording of Joel Greenberg from prison wherein he claims the DOJ told him that the New York Times piece put him in “golden position.”

So suddenly we are supposed to believe the words of the guy you just spent several paragraphs accusing of lying about you? “Dear committee members, please ignore everything this sack of shit convicted felon has said about me, except for this one vague statement with no context that, if you follow it through several leaps of logic, could make me look good.”

I serve on the House Judiciary Committee and the Biden Justice Department loathes me. I ask the most penetrating questions of their top officials, frequently embarrassing them publicly.

Interesting choice of adjective describing your questions, my dude.

You ask, in part, whether I’ve had sex with a list of adult women over the past seven years. The lawful, consensual, sexual activities of adults are not the business of Congress.

Unless one of those adults is Hunter Biden, in which case it is fine to smear him every which way like an errant mosquito that had the poor sense to land on your forearm.

Neither is a detailing of the medications I have taken under the color of law.

Here is a video of a colleague of Gaetz’s, Markwayne Mullin, telling CNN’s Manu Raju about all the times Gaetz wandered around the House floor showing fellow members of Congress videos of women he had allegedly fucked while taking erectile dysfunction medication, presumably so he’d last more than fifteen seconds. Mullin is not the only member of Congress to claim Gaetz showed off those videos and pictures.

Perhaps Gaetz chose this moment to send this letter to get out ahead of some new revelation that is about to become public? We can only baselessly speculate, as it would be irresponsible not to do so.

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