MTG Threatens Mutually Assured Dickstruction If Republicans Spill Matt Gaetz's Boner Secrets
Put the Cocktober back in Christmas!
Uh oh, Marjorie Taylor Greene’s mad and you’re not gonna like her when she’s mad. She’s absolutely furious that many people, even Republican senators and congressmen, think the Matt Gaetz ethics report about Matt Gaetz allegedly using his adopted “son’s” PayPal to pay for sex, and Matt Gaetz allegedly having sex with an underage girl in front of witnesses, should see the light of day before he’s allowed to become the top law enforcement official in Stupid Hitler’s administration.
And she’s not gonna take it anymore! She’s gonna assault a transgender woman! Wait no, that’s not the Marjorie Taylor Greene story that’s related to this. That’s a Marjorie Taylor Greene news story about this week, she’s threatening to assault incoming Democratic Rep. Sarah McBride if she tries to use the women’s restroom at the Capitol, because Greene is a worthless piece of human trash, but that’s not the story that’s related to this one.
No, Greene says that if anybody leaks Matt Gaetz’s sex secrets all over everything, then Greene is going to release everybody ELSE’S sex secrets all over everything, and she’s just gonna rub ‘em around and rub ‘em around.
It pains us when these people fight.
But yes, boy oh boy, we would hate it if they released all the Epstein files about Jeffrey Epstein, who was one of Donald Trump’s closest only friends. We don’t know what Epstein might have known about Donald Trump, his friend whom he loved, but we wouldn’t be surprised if it made Matt Gaetz’s report look like child’s play. (From the sounds of it, it already looks a lot like child’s play!)
So, as certain as we are that the congresswoman who manages the Crossfit on the set of “Hee Haw” is making serious threats about serious things she is definitely privy to — and that she didn’t simply find on mouthbreathing internet message boards while Doing Her Own Research on how they get the Jewish Space Lasers inside the hurricanes, there’s some interesting backlash growing to the team of imbeciles, cranks, pedophiles, and accused rapists Donald Trump wants for his Cabinet.
It’s coming from the religious Right! Or at least one very prominent guy on the religious Right.
And here you thought they didn’t have morals or standards. (They don’t, they just fuckin’ hate Matt Gaetz, because everybody does.)
Mat Staver, the president of the Liberty Counsel hate group that represents all the aggrieved bigots — think people forced to bake gay cakes, that human toenail county clerk in Kentucky who bellyached to hell and back because she had to issue gay marriage licenses — he had a reasonable question! After noting that Gaetz is barely even a lawyer — true! — and saying “he doesn’t even know his way around a courtroom,” Staver said:
“But morally, also, I think he’s disqualified, there are so many allegations. Very serious, by eyewitnesses, by text messages, by cellphones, where he was at sex parties.
“The question is would he actually even enforce laws involving human trafficking? He’s already voted as the lone Republican against an anti-human trafficking law.”
Holy FuckShitDamnAndAbortAFetus, we agree with Mat Staver this one time. (His full statement is here.) Hell freezeth over.
Who knows how long this is going to last with Gaetz? That ethics report could leak at any moment, and from everything we’re reading about it, it sounds explosive. Senate Republicans obviously do not want to be forced to vote on this, because they don’t want to be faced with the choice between sucking Donald Trump’s butthole in front of the whole world and having to kick off the Republican fascist government takeover by kicking Trump in the dick and making the world laugh at him for being such a weak and ineffectual excuse for America’s Hitler.
The New York Post published an editorial last night begging Trump to kick Gaetz (and Russia’s class project Tulsi Gabbard) to the curb. But not Pete Hegseth. (We guess Republicans are all still pretty OK with letting an extremely dangerous guy who was flagged from his National Guard unit as a possible insider threat because of the white Christian supremacist Crusades cosplay tattoo on his bicep, a guy who doesn’t have the grownup job skills to manage a cocksucking Shoney’s, be the head of the Pentagon. But hey, one buffoon nominee at a time.)
Meanwhile, while Axios is reporting that Trump has been personally calling senators to beg them to confirm Junior Deputy Nestor’s Daddy and his boner pills as the attorney general, the New York Times reports that Trump totally knows Gaetz might be unconfirmable, but he’s fucking this chicken anyway. Why? Because it’s fun! And because he thinks there’s no way the Senate will reject ALL his most disgusting and rapey and un-American picks. (The Times specifically groups together Gaetz, Hegseth, Gabbard, and the guy who’s gonna take the fluoride out of the water and replace it with the semen of this blue whale he just found.)
In other words, he’s flooding the zone with shit, like he always does.
Simultaneously, Elon Musk, who thinks he’s a political strategist now, thought he was defending Gaetz yesterday when he posted this:
“Matt Gaetz has three critical assets that are needed for the AG role: a big brain, a spine of steel and an axe to grind,” he wrote in a post on X. “He is the Judge Dredd America needs to clean up a corrupt system and put powerful bad actors in prison.”
Again, he’s talking about Matt Gaetz. But whatever, Apartheid Ken! You’re totally nailing it, as usual. Those senators are totally listening to him, you betcha sure 100 percent.
NewsNation is also reporting that JD Vance has pulled his dick out of whatever Haverty’s display he’s been hiding in since the election, and will be escorting Gaetz and Hegseth to get to know the senators. We guess they’re under the impression that these two men are more impressive in person LOLOL we can’t even fucking type the end of this sentence without laughing, so this post is over.
Watch this interview last night with the lawyer for two of the Matt Gaetz witnesses. Was wild and crazy! Gaetz allegedly paid these two witnesses $10,000 or so for sex! The House Ethics Committee votes today on whether to release the report! Whee!
[JoeMyGod / Daily Beast]
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MSM: Biden must tell us if he’s too old for office. The American people have a right to know!
Also MSM: It’s no big deal if they don’t release the Gaetz files. The American people don’t need to know if he’s a sex trafficking pedo. In fact, it’s politically savvy if they don’t release it.
So she's fully aware that all her associates are sex criminals, yet she still associates with them. Perfect, no notes.