Musk Brings Out Big Balls So People Will Stop Talking About How His Own Company Wants To Fire Him
It's your DOGE update!
Let us check in on America’s least-favorite alleged illegal immigrant, Elon Musk, and his boys of DOGE, because they are as hilariously stupid as anybody can be while using everybody’s tax money to break the government, invent “savings” numbers, and remake the world to a purity-purged technocracy re-populated by the descendants of 5,000 little Elons!
The Wall Street Journal reported yesterday that the Sperminator was fixing to get fired as CEO by the board of his own company, Tesla, on account of how first-quarter profits were down 71 percent and the brand is most popular among people who would never ever buy an EV. But instead of worrying about his brand, he’s been spending his time indulging his breeder fetish, playing Diablo, and having ice cream sleepovers in the Lincoln Bedroom.
Tesla’s already faced a raft of lawsuits from pissed shareholders, including over Elon’s alleged conflict-of-interest $56 billion (with a b) pay package, insider trading, and breach of fiduciary duty, and the board was ordered in January to return as much as $919 million to stockholders. The Cybertruck’s had eight recalls over design flaws like its glued-on panels flying off, accelerator pedals getting stuck, its wheels losing power, and the windshield wipers not working. And Trump tariffs are also going to be fucking over the company bigly; China is, or was, its second-largest market, whoops. And sales are down 37 percent in Europe too. Seems low! Or high. Whichever one means come on, Europe, hurt him harder.
And the divorced dad of 14 that we know of is ALL CAPS mad at the report that his own board is getting sick of him! He pounded out on X:
It is an EXTREMELY BAD BREACH OF ETHICS that the WSJ would publish a DELIBERATELY FALSE ARTICLE and fail to include an unequivocal denial beforehand by the Tesla board of directors!
It’s all so bad that his mommy even chimed in to try to help him.
How dare women write about her son?! Hey, wait, if women are unreliable reporters and Maye Musk is a woman, do they cancel each other out?
The Wall Street Journal reporters say that they tried to contact him and got no response (probably he was in a k-hole) and they refused to retract their story. Soon after the report came out the Tesla chair issued a denial. “The CEO of Tesla is Elon Musk and the Board is highly confident in his ability to continue executing on the exciting growth plan ahead.” Growth plan! Can’t wait to find out what it is!
But don’t cry for him, orange peanut. SpaceX got a $5.9 billion contract to launch satellites for the government, and there’s rumors of a $2.4 billion contract for Starlink to take over air traffic control communications too (which Starlink denies). And, in January Musk companies were facing at least 65 “actual or potential” actions from 11 federal agencies, totaling at least at least $2.37 billion in potential liability, all threats that are now neutralized. And in Elon’s spare time he’s building his own Spahn ranch in Texas for his collection of children, and trying to make his own town near Brownsville, which he’ll call Starbase.
Probably trying to take focus away from how half of America and even his own board reportedly hates him, yesterday Musk presided over a DOGE roundtable hosted by tire-tampering creep Jesse Watters, and hey, it’s Big Balls, AKA Edward Coristine, age 19, who is the spitting image of … come on, tell us we’re wrong.
Jesse Watters set out to solve the mystery on everyone’s mind, why does he call himself that? It’s even stupider than you suspected!
“I just set it as my LinkedIn username. People on LinkedIn take themselves like super seriously and they’re adverse [sic] to risk, and I was like, well, I want to be neither of those things, so I just said it, and honestly, I didn’t even think anyone would notice,” he said, while Elon nodded like a proud father who spends time with his own children and loves and encourages them.
“LinkedIn is so cringe!” Elon chimed, as if a 53-year-old trying to use kid slang like “cringe” as an adjective is not painfully cheugy.
In case you get all those kids mixed up, Coristine is a DOGE “senior advisor,” the one with a startup called TESLA.SEXY, who Reuters reports once provided support to a cybercrime gang that bragged about trafficking in stolen data and cyberstalking an FBI agent. And Coristine got himself fired from a cybersecurity firm for leaking company secrets to a competitor, then bragged later on Discord that he retained access to the company’s servers. Just who you want mucking around in Homeland Security, FEMA, and the Cybersecurity and Infrastructure Security Agency data. DOGE is the subject of about 30 lawsuits, and they’ve been blocked from access to personal information at Social Security, the Education Department, and the Office of Personnel Management, and from laying off probationary employees. But now they have a 21-year-old college student using AI to propose rewrites to the Department of Housing and Urban Development’s regulations, and they’re still all up in the IRS, making a database for some reason. It’s all one big game of lawsuit Whack-A-Mole, and everybody’s data has quite possibly escaped to Russian servers anyway. What will they do with all that data? That’s for them to know and everybody else to find out! Maybe after DOGE drains their bank accounts and digitally marks them dead.
But whatever it’s about, it’s not savings. CBS News reports that the government spent $200 billion more than last year.
Oh, and Elon was inexplicably wearing two hats, and compared himself to the Buddha. You know, if the Buddha went around with a decorative chainsaw, giant belt buckle, and ball-squeezing skinny jeans, calling everybody the r-slur. “DOGE is a way of life. Like Buddhism. Buddha isn’t alive anymore. You wouldn’t ask the question: ‘Who would lead Buddhism?’”
He and Trump were probably chatting on the phone after Musk railed some ketamine: “If you’re going to be the Pope, then who do I get to be?”
They’re evil, but also inexperienced and dumb. So at least we’ve got that going for us.
Let’s all enjoy this song while we ride in our handbasket to hell!
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“#IfindRetards” Really, Mama Musk?
I see the dingleberry doesn’t fall from the asshole.
“But don’t cry for him, orange peanut.” 😆😆😆
It’s funny how all these manly men like Lone Skum and Kegsbreath need their moms to come out and fight for them. Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be assholes. More so because you’ll never be rid of them.