Secretary Sh*tfaced Couldn’t Wait 10 MINUTES To Pull Down Pants And Show Family His War Plans
Look what the cool Army guy sent me!!!1!!!!111!!!!1!
Ousted MAGA Pentagon spox John Ullyot suggested in Politico this weekend that many more shoes would drop this week on Secretary Shitfaced, perhaps the most unqualified, bumblefucking crybaby weenus loser drunk Defense secretary in any country’s history, and we reckon this latest from NBC News counts as one of those.
It turns out that all the highly secret information Hegseth was sharing on Signal in his second group chat about the Yemen strikes — this one including his third-wife-for-now and his brother and his lawyer and his Christian accountability partner and maybe the guy who draws his white nationalist tattoos and whoever makes the concealer we’re guessing he uses to cover up all his rough, booze-damaged skin and his emergency ball-tanning practitioner and the guy who makes the gristly skunk cum mixture he uses as hair gel and whatever other pathetic losers he needs in his life to make him feel like a whole man — it turns out the info he was sharing with ALL THOSE PEOPLE came directly from the secure messages of a general who had literally just shared it with him.
In a normal world you don’t expect the fucking Defense secretary to prematurely ejaculate all the cool intel on war plans that are being carried out right now all over his wife and brother the second he gets them. On an unsecured channel.
But in a normal world, you’d never hire this fuckup to clean your goddamned pool, much less run the Pentagon. (Especially not with those ugly Christian extremist tattoos, wouldn’t want the neighbors thinking our pool boy is low-class trash.)
Yet here we are.
The NBC News story is of Army Gen. Michael Erik Kurilla, who leads CENTCOM, sending Hegseth all the important Yemen battle plans as they were getting in motion. Again, he sent them the right way, and in a different administration, the Defense secretary would be the right person to send them to. Instead Hegseth grabbed his personal phone and just started splooting the classified intel all over his family.
And before Hegseth or his babbling dipshit Pentagon spox Sean Parnell whines some more that he didn’t share classified intel, please go tell the family members of the troops involved in the Yemen bombing campaigns if they think the details of what their loved ones are about to do in battle are classified or not. No, we mean go tell them now, Major Drunk. We’ll wait.
Fewer than ten minutes.
That’s how long NBC News’s sources say elapsed between the CENTCOM general giving that dumbfuck the information and him immediately putting it in his two Signal chats (that we know of), the one with his family, and the one with Trump admin officials and Jeffrey Goldberg from The Atlantic, where he hilariously said, “We are currently clean on OPSEC,” like he was a five-year-old cast as “Army Guy #4” in his school play and he had one line to read and he fuckin’ nailed it, right before he shit his pants onstage.
![THOSE War Plans? Pete Hegseth Didn’t Know You Meant THOSE [hic] War Plans](https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_140,h_140,c_fill,f_webp,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep,g_auto/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2Fbb01e885-c6e1-4841-8d3d-4e2eb2dad8a8_1068x606.png)
![Pete Hegseth's Pentagon Still Very Well-Lubricated We Mean Oiled [Hic!] Machine](https://images.unsplash.com/photo-1579001429338-5d9142a49ac2?crop=entropy&cs=tinysrgb&fit=max&fm=jpg&ixid=M3wzMDAzMzh8MHwxfHNlYXJjaHw2Mnx8ZWFnbGV8ZW58MHx8fHwxNzQ1MjQ0Njc2fDA&ixlib=rb-4.0.3&q=80&w=1080)
NBC News reminds us that an aide had personally told Hegseth not to use Signal for these kinds of comms, because it could be vulnerable. But he did it anyway, because he’s incompetent, stupid and careless.
As we were writing about the NBC News story, another one dropped in the New York Times. “Under Hegseth, Chaos Prevails at the Pentagon,” says the headline. “The defense secretary’s inner circle is in disarray, and distrust is growing among civil servants and senior military officials.” Describing Hegseth’s magnificent record of failure and disappointment, they write that “In just three months in office, Mr. Hegseth, a former Fox News host, has instead produced a run of chaos that is unmatched in the recent history of the Defense Department.”
His inner circle? “In shambles.” His own close advisers? Well, they’re all getting suspended and/or fired for leaking. These are his people. (Bookmark that for a few grafs below where Hegseth starts bitching on Fox News that the Deep State is out to get him.)
The article describes “screaming matches in [Hegseth’s] inner offices,” and “growing distrust of the thousands” of people who work in the Pentagon. But Hegseth managed the weekend couch at “Fox & Friends” so well, at least once his drunk ass rolled in to work, according to sources! All of this is so surprising.
The Times says Hegseth’s chief of staff Joe Kasper used one meeting to tell everybody about the strip club they just went to. Everything sounds like a bureaucratic shitshow, and nothing is getting done. Nothing, of course, except Hegseth’s purges and witch hunts for people who might be insufficiently loyal to Dear Leader.
Axios reports this morning that “inside the Pentagon, the knives are out” for Hegseth. The aforementioned Ullyot, of course, referred to the last month as a “full-blown meltdown” in the Pentagon.
Parnell, the DoD spox, counters that this is all “disgruntled former DoD employees with an axe to grind” leaking these stories.
Trump beat his chest defending Hegseth on Monday, saying during the White House Easter Egg Roll, “ask the HOOTIES how [Hegseth] is doing.” (The Yemen bombing campaigns aren’t going that great, turns out!)
The White House is still denying the NPR report that they’re looking for a new Nazi bootlicker at Defense because the current one is too stupid. Seasoned Trump-watchers know that means that’s the operable truth until the exact second Trump fires Hegseth in a tweet and announces his replacement. White House Nazi Barbie Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt says, “This is what happens when the entire Pentagon is working against you and working against the monumental change you are trying to implement,” apparently blissfully ignorant of the fact that if “the entire Pentagon" is working against Secretary Shitfaced, THEN SECRETARY SHITFACED IS THE PROBLEM, YOU DUMBFUCK.
So far, Rep. Don Bacon is the only Republican member of Congress to say out loud that Hegseth should be fired, and he’s got an independent streak, so we’ll see if anybody joins him. But it’s only Tuesday, and if this week keeps going like this, boy howdy.
Secretary DrunkRage McDaddyIssues went on “Fox & Friends” this morning to lick his wounds and whimper and defend himself. This is after his hilariously pathetic and blubbering performance at the White House Egg Grabby Thingie yesterday. Here’s what he told Brian Kilmeade, a white man who’s just as much of an inadequate dipshit as he is.
KILMEADE: Mr. Secretary, do you think — you take this job, you come in with war experience and all your great background, do you think there's a lot of people don't want you there and there's some type of Deep State forces that want to make sure you don't stay there?
HEGSETH: They've come after me from day one, just like they've come after President Trump. I've gotten a fraction of what President Trump got in that first term. What he has endured is superhuman. It's not hard for me to do this job. I know exactly why I am here: to bring war fighting and the war fighting ethos back to the Pentagon. To rip out the insidious ideologies and not compromise and not back down. To bring in new press voices into the Pentagon, which we have done. To reestablish standards and accountability. To not tolerate leakers. To 100 percent operational control of our border. To get rid of trans lunacy in the military. We haven't backed down.
There it is. Blame the Deep State. Don’t take responsibility like a real fucking man. Because he isn’t.
Note how he also tongues Trump’s sack in the middle of his answer. We didn’t call him Daddy Issues for nothin’.
Speaking of all the conservative white male masculinity issues MAGA can muster — an endless fount, it turns out — one person who’s definitely still on Hegseth’s side is fellow Angry Stompy White Boy Poopypants Little Man Syndrome Tough Guy Republican Oklahoma Senator Markwayne Mullin, whose parents apparently hated him so much they named him “Markwayne.”
The text:
I will lead the breach. I will lay down cover fire. I will take the high ground. I’ll expose myself to enemy fire to communicate. We must bring back integrity, focus, and put the Warfighter first inside DOD. I stand with @SecDef @PeteHegseth [FLAG EMOJI]
Markwayne Mullin is a PLUMBER.
The only enemy fire he knows comes from PROJECTILE POOP in PIPES.
HE WILL LEAD THE BREACH! HE’LL FIND THE LEAKS!
AND UHHHHHH … PATCH ‘EM! WITH SOME PLUMBER TAPE OR SUMTHIN’!
In the loser white conservative Christian man rage fantasies of Pete Hegseth, Markwayne Mullin, and the rest of MAGA, they imagine that the America they’re forcing on us, without our consent, will be a world where we will truly respect them as men.
Bless their hearts.
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"They've come after me from day one, just like they've come after President Trump. I've gotten a fraction of what President Trump got in that first term. What he has endured is superhuman."
That he needs to do this is pathetic. That he still does it is even more pathetic.
"It's not hard for me to do this job."
I think that might be the problem. You're running the world's largest, most technologically advanced, most complex military machine. It SHOULD be hard for you to do this job. That it's not doesn't suggest you're good at it, it suggests that you don't actually understand what the job is.
America's national defenses no longer exist, thanks to the Republican Party.
We have been utterly betrayed to our enemies by the GOP.