Secretary Whiskeyd*ck Has A Message For [Hic!] West Point Grads
Fair play to the grads for making it through this without audibly laughing.
It’s hard to pick just one iconic image of the utter national embarrassment of the era of Donald Trump, as the most unqualified, unworthy, worthless specimens of all humanity demand we pretend to respect them, since that’s the most that authoritarian Christian fascist losers can ever hope for.
Secretary Whiskeydick Pete Hegseth summoning all the military generals who outrank him to Virginia so he could priss at them about hairstyles and Weight Watchers goal was one.
Secretary Whiskeydick Pete Hegseth stepping all the way above his paygrade to dare to even look West Point graduates in the eye, much less force them to endure him as their graduation speaker is another fuckin’ big one.
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The first thing Whiskeydick did during his speech was he pardoned them, on behalf of Donald Trump. Haha. You will note how hard he tries throughout his speech to “speak military,” as if that’s his area of expertise or something.
WHISKEYDICK: Now, most senior leaders wait until the end to have this discussion, but I'm just going to come up the top rope right now and get this out of the way. For all those cadets who've committed minor infractions or violations of the regulations of the United States Military Academy for which ordinary and special punishment has been imposed or is being considered to the Corps of Cadets, as President Trump might say, a complete and total pardon.
It’s funny because he’s going to order them to commit war crimes for him, on behalf of his sad masculine insecurity issues, and on behalf of his boss Stupid Hitler, a criminal and adjudicated rapist. This is why he’s so upset that Senator Mark Kelly, a real patriot and hero, keeps reminding troops that they have a duty to tell criminal traitor tyrants and their loyal cumsocks like Pete to pound sand.
![Pete Hegseth Gonna Put Mark Kelly In Jail For New [Hic!] Reason, You'll See!](https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/$s_!B_5_!,w_140,h_140,c_fill,f_webp,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep,g_auto/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F17a51127-a964-4275-b078-7f0e725349d8_978x684.png)
WD: Well, on a day like today, there's no better way to start than with a word from Scripture.
In case these West Point cadets, the best and the brightest, didn’t know when they decided to enter the Academy that they’d be signing their lives over to Gilead, or that they’d be asked to pledge allegiance to a loser with Nazi Crusades tattoos all over his sun-damaged titties.
WD: And on a day as special as this, for the 998 great Americans of this class, there's no more fitting verse than from Isaiah 6:8. “Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, whom shall I send and who will go for us? And I said, here I am, send me.” Four years ago, you raised your right hand, swore an oath to preserve and defend the Constitution, and in that moment, you said to your country, send me. And here you are.
Surprise, West Point grads! The president is a traitor and the SecDef is a Fox News host! That’s who’s sending you! Ha ha!
WD: The world today is at a crossroads, just as it has been for the past 250 years of our great republic.
Profound.
WD: West Point is set apart. It's not a normal college or university. Now, I know there have been foolish and feckless leaders in the recent past who have tried their hardest to make it more normal. We saw woke and weak leaders trying to make West Point look like woke Princeton, which happens to be my long-lost and lost alma mater.
Don’t worry, Pete, we’re pretty sure Princeton is embarrassed to be associated with you too.
WD: They embraced the DEI craze and tried to introduce diversity and inclusion studies
Ew, girls and LGBT+ people and nonwhite people and everybody else who makes Whiskeydick feel inferior!
Remember, Pete is talking to educated people here, the best and the brightest. That’s how far out of his lane he is.
WD: and they hired professors who advocated for anti-American ideologies right here in these halls. But no more. West Point is set apart. It's special. It's above politics. Success here is based on merit.
It was always based on merit. The fantasy of insecure little white supremacist losers like Pete is that if they just get rid of everybody who isn’t a white conservative man, the real talent will once again rise to the top. It’s DEI and affirmative action, but for God’s discard pile, i.e. conservative Christian men like Pete.
WD: You know military history. You understand engineering, geopolitics, and how to lead troops under fire. You hold yourselves to a higher standard.
Unlike your secretary of Defense! Sorry, we mean WAR!
WD: You are fit, not fat.
Bet they’re really good at pullups.
WD: Many of you, even in your short time in uniform, have endured what I call the slow slide of the U.S. Army. You've seen standards lowered. You've seen an obsession with race and gender. You've seen the watering down of discipline. Codes weakened and traditions tossed aside in the name of political correctness. Statues taken down. Paintings placed in the basement.
No, Pete, these are quality people. We guarantee they didn’t notice any of this.
WD: I'm here to tell you the slow slide here at West Point and across the United States Army is over.
We’re sure these excellent graduates who came to West Point during the Biden years are relieved.
WD: You, this group, represents the snap back. You, our newest warriors, are soon to be newly commissioned second lieutenants. Second lieutenants will snap it back into formation. Political leaders with ideological agendas and weak military leaders who were just looking to curry favor for the next star allowed our cherished Army to slide off our true north. But you, our warriors, will snap it back. You are the future. Others may have allowed it to slide away. You will not. You will restore our Army, and I will empower you to do it. It's really not that difficult. Here's what we want, not only in the Army, but across the joint force. We want high uniform, unwavering standards.
He wants perfect hair and makeup, flawless.
Pete babbled and babbled. He said “lethality,” because that’s one of his Viagra words. He said “warfighting,” because that’s the other one. He said “warriors” over and over again, because people who can’t actually do things try to obscure that fact by saying them a lot.
WD: You are not an Army of one, and you are certainly not an Army of woke.
On the military subreddits, they like to say the only war this boy here knows how to fight is a culture war. You think these grads don’t know it too?
WD: The single dumbest phrase in military history was peddled in our Army only a few short years ago. You've all heard it, maybe in your first two years at West Point. Our diversity is our strength. The single dumbest phrase in military history.
Maybe you heard it in your first two years, back when West Point was GAY.
WD: We had generals saying this with a straight face on national television.
Men and women who outrank Shitfaced.
WD: It was absolute nonsense. Now, these sorts of silly things can be laughed at when they occur in a civilian faculty lounge or debated in graduate seminars, but they cannot be tolerated in our formations. These ideas are what get people killed.
Pete Hegseth does not actually know what gets people killed, because he doesn’t have the skills or expertise to actually plan whole wars.
WD: Diversity is not our strength. Unity is our strength.
Not sharing war plans on Signal is our strength. Not murdering hundreds of little girls on your first day of a new war is our strength.
WD: The call is send us, not send he, not send she, not send they/them.
They/them didn’t murder those little girls. Pete Hegseth did. They/them weren’t credibly accused of rape after speaking at a Republican conference in California. Pete Hegseth was.
![THOSE War Plans? Pete Hegseth Didn’t Know You Meant THOSE [hic] War Plans](https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/$s_!8rnj!,w_140,h_140,c_fill,f_webp,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep,g_auto/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2Fbb01e885-c6e1-4841-8d3d-4e2eb2dad8a8_1068x606.png)
We’re not even halfway through his speech yet but trust us, this post is almost over, because most of the rest of what he said was absolute babbling, what you imagine would come out if you asked Grok to design motivational posters for military schools for idiots.
“There’s no substitute for preparation.”
“Anything that can go wrong will go wrong.”
“Always be the most prepared member in your unit.”
And then:
WD: As Charlie Kirk often said, remember always, this too shall pass.
Not sure Charlie Kirk coined that phrase, but we see why an absolute loser like Pete would feel the need to quote that dead white supremacist in his speech. Do we think these West Point grads — again, Pete was in the presence of excellence, which happens rarely for him — give a flying fuck what Charlie Kirk said, though?
More real quotes: “The good times will pass. The bad times will pass. You’re never as good as you think you are, nor are you as bad as you think you are.”
But what about those moments when there was only one set of footsteps, God?
Oh, that’s just when Jesus had to carry Secretary Shitfaced, because he was white girl wasted. Allegedly.
Congratulations to the graduating class of West Point. We are sorry you will have to call this dumb bitch “sir” if you ever meet him in person, but don’t worry, because as the totally dead Charlie Kirk used to say, this too shall pass, by which we mean this preening loser being the most beclowned Defense secretary in American history will not last forever.
So hold the line and remember that they/them don’t tell illegal orders from petty tyrants to fuck themselves up the ass without lube, YOU DO.
Just kidding, they/them should do that too.
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I'm sure the 40% non-white and 21% female graduates in this year's class are sad that they are too diverse for some alcoholic rapist try-hard.
Can we really be at a crossroads for 250 years? Christ—just pick a road and take it!