These Morons Can’t Even Get One Single Alejandro Mayorkas Impeached
These Morons Can’t Even Get One Single Alejandro Mayorkas Impeached
If God chose Mike Johnson for this moment in history, God's just being a dick.
They managed to do it. Those idiots (House Republicans) had one job, and it was to follow human toenail Marjorie Taylor Greene down her yellow brick road paved with armpit farts and impeach Department of Homeland Security Secretary Alejandro Mayorkas for literally no reason besides they’re mad they can’t find anything to impeach Joe Biden for, and they did it.
They managed to fuck it up.
This is what happens when you elect all the used urinal cakes at Mar-a-Lago and call it the Republican caucus.
And a hip, hip, hooray for new House Speaker Mike Johnson, who is clearly as good at counting votes as the last guy.
They had to impeach Mayorkas for “something about the border, we don’t know,” which was strange since the very same day they helped kill the Senate’s bill to try to fix the border, which contained just about every single thing on their little Nazi wet dream list. Like, it literally demanded Mayorkas build him a WALL, and he had to start it within a week. But they couldn’t get there.
Marjorie Taylor Greene — who would turn into a literal participation trophy if an old beggar woman put a curse on the Beast’s mansion where she worked — tried to blame it on the Democrats:
“They hid one of their members, waiting to the last minute, watching to see our votes, trying to throw us off on the numbers that we had versus the numbers they had,” Ms. Greene told reporters on the steps of the Capitol after the vote. “So, yeah, that was a strategy at play tonight.”
Hate it when the Democrats do the old Hidden Democrat trick. (“Crouching tiger, hidden Democrat,” tweeted George Takei.)
What this fuckwit is babbling about is that it was Democrat Al Green who came in and cast the decisive vote, on his stealth invisible wheelchair and in his invisible clothes from the hospital. (He had emergency surgery on Friday.) As the New York Times explains, there were already three “no” votes from Republicans, which you can’t have when your majority is so razor-thin.
The “yes” votes, had it, though, by one vote. So Al Green got an Uber from the hospital — literally — and rolled in and voted and tied it up. YOLO. But it wasn’t some big trick:
“I was determined to cast the vote long before — I had no idea how close it was going to be,” Mr. Green said in an interview on Tuesday night from his hospital bed, where he had returned shortly after voting. “I didn’t come assuming that my vote was going to make a difference. I came because it was personal.” […]
“I had to cast this vote because this is a good, decent man whose reputation should not be besmirched,” Mr. Green said of Mr. Mayorkas.
He also assumed Republicans had the votes anyway, because where Al Green comes from you don’t put a bill on the floor unless you know it’s going to pass.
“Under the Pelosi school of politics, you don’t bring it to the floor if you’re not going to pass it,” Mr. Green said, referring to Representative Nancy Pelosi, Democrat of California and the former speaker.
He’s not used to Mike Johnson’s Amateur Hour, in other words.
So that’s how that went down. Green’s vote made it 215-215. It was ultimately 214-216, as one Republican member of leadership, Rep. Blake Moore of Utah, changed his vote at the end for procedural reasons, so it could be brought back up later.
Here is a video of the moment when Mike Johnson officially failed:
That’s the man who thinks Jesus chose him for this moment. Jesus sounds like a real “WOCKA, WOCKA!” whoopee-cushion-plantin’ guy!
By the way, just after that failure, Johnson managed to set his dick on fire and eat it again, immediately losing a standalone vote on Israel aid. Punchbowl called it “one of the most embarrassing days in recent House GOP history,” and the news is full of articles about how bad at everything Johnson is. And that’s against the backdrop of all the other things Republicans are currently failing at.
There are many hilarious cryings and bitchings from Republican congressmen about their Day Of Bumblefucking, but for our money, this one from NBC News is one of the funniest:
One Republican aide texted to note that if former Rep. George Santos, R-N.Y., hadn’t been expelled the vote would have succeeded. “Maybe we shouldn’t have kicked out Santos,” said the aide, who requested anonymity to speak freely.
Santos took the opportunity to post a photo of the tied vote tally in the House, saying: “Miss me yet?”
Amazing.
Hell’s den mother explained to reporters afterward what kind of trickery Democrats had pulled on her prehistoric brain:
Greene further complained to reporters afterward that the three Republicans who voted against impeaching Mayorkas — Ken Buck of Colorado, who HATES Greene and really isn’t into her constant performative impeachment masturbations; Tom McClintock of California; and Mike Gallagher of Wisconsin — need to “think about things over the weekend.” We’re sure they’ll get right on that, Marge.
If they manage to get Mayorkas impeached — they swear they’re going to do it next week when Steve Scalise returns from cancer treatment, or some other magic time when they have the votes — that’s the woman Mike Johnson thinks is good enough and smart enough to be an impeachment manager when they take the articles to the Senate for a trial that’s doomed to fail.
If Johnson was a smarter guy — and he isn’t, he’s an absolute bimbo — we’d think he was trying to embarrass her on purpose.
We’ll let Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer have the last word, just like he’ll have the last word if this flaming pile of shit ever manages to reach the upper chamber:
They sure did.
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As someone who believes in God and all that jizz, AND is acutely aware of human nature and the state of the world; I have the legitimate belief that "Jesus sounds like a real “WOCKA, WOCKA!” whoopee-cushion-plantin’ guy!" is literally true bc the gods are in fact tricksters.
Subscribe to my Substack, wocka wocka~
Morning Joe's cold open from yesterday said it best.
https://www.youtube.com/shorts/XUMOh0vvCi4