Weird Jesse Watters So Mad People Saying Weird JD Vance Rubbed His Dongus On The Furniture
Weird.
Jesse Watters is a creepy, off-putting, and weird man, the kind you wouldn’t leave alone with your wife or your child or your pets or your houseplants, who serves as a host on the Fox News network along with many other people who are weird and gross just like him.
You might be familiar with him from that time he told the story of how he tricked his now-wife into getting his car by letting the air out of her tires. He was married at the time, ha ha! She was 14 years younger than him, ha ha! She worked for him, LOL!
Everybody has their funny, normal dating stories.
Another time Jesse Watters was weird was when he got all hot and bothered talking about what kind of prison body Donald Trump might have, when he comes back from prison.
Just a normal, regular dude conversation.
Anyway, this whole campaign for accuracy in labeling JD Vance, and all other MAGA Republicans, by calling them fucking weird (and creepy and gross and not the kinds of people you’d leave your kids alone with) is not going over well with poor Jesse.
Scroll down for some VERY ANGRY VIDEOS of Jesse Watters saying that if you’re gonna make jokes about somebody having sex with a couch, you better have some video!
No seriously, in this first video, Jesse says that “after COVID, Russia and the Biden cover-up” — LOL, LOL, and also LOL — Americans are savvy and don’t believe conspiracy theories no more. (Yes, he’s saying this primetime on the Fox News network, in the timeslot that used to belong to the man who got fired literally the second Fox had to pay out that $787 million settlement to Dominion Voting Systems, for making up conspiracy lies about stolen elections.)
Therefore they’re not about to believe some internet rumors about JD Vance pulling down his underwear and putting his penis inside a couch while a couple old bluegrass musicians played dueling banjos!
“And if you’re going to accuse someone of having sex with a couch, you better have video!” said Jesse, a weird guy.
AND IF YOU HAVE VIDEO, YOU BETTER GIVE IT TO JESSE WATTERS! Dunno what he’ll do with it, probably something journalistic.
Next up is a longer, even more fun video. This is the attack these babbling, whining beta loser fart-cloud humans cannot handle. The one we have been saying for years, but that the mainstream political apparatus is only just now catching up to:
These people are gross and weird and everybody fucking hates them.
Ta-da!
Watch Jesse lose his absolute mind.
“They’re accusing JD Vance of having sex with a couch,” says Jesse, furious.
“Not ON a couch, WITH a couch,” says Jesse, even madder than four seconds ago.
But yeah we got it. Somebody started an internet rumor that JD Vance slid his penis into a couch and sang it his hillbilly elegy. We’ve been over this. Everybody knows it’s not true. But nobody said it wasn’t hilarious.
“AND NOW THEY’RE CALLING HIM WEIRD!” raged Jesse, like that’s the only reason everybody is calling him weird, because of the couchfucker rumor.
He played a montage of people calling JD Vance weird. It ended with Kamala calling Vance weird, while laughing. The audience laughed. Ha ha at the weird people!
At 54 seconds or so, Jesse comes back and literally inhale-snorts like a cartoon warthog or something.
“Democrats MADE UP A STORY! About JD VANCE HAVING SEX WITH A COUCH! And CALLED HIM WEIRD 150 TIMES THIS WEEKEND!”
Smoke just blowing out of that creep’s ears, y’all.
Again, he’s weird for so many reasons that have nothing to do with that, but we guess that’s how far the Trump campaign has fallen, that its surrogates are trying to convince people they’re only calling Vance weird because of a made-up rumor about penis-in-couch romance.
Good luck with that, weird losers. Stay mad forever.
OPEN THREAD!
[videos via Acyn / Andrew Lawrence]
Evan has a new side project called The Moral High Ground, you should check it out and subscribe there too!
Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter right here.
@evanjosephhurst on Threads!
If you're shopping on Amazon anyway, this portal gives us a small commission.
“And if you’re going to accuse someone of having sex with a couch, you better have video!”
*raises eyebrow mischievously, cracks knuckles, launches photochopping software*
Lordy but Michael Knowles is an evil melonfucking shitwit.
He's now claiming Buttigieg is not gay. He's promoting a conspiracy theory that Pete is only pretending to be gay because there's no way a straight white guy could gain prominence and power within the modern Democratic Party who, sorry, let me check notes for a minute, are currently led by the dyslexic trans Latina amputee Joe Biden.