Elon Musk spent more on this election than any single human throughout the history of the United States — about half a billion dollars, in total. Of course, they did the math over at Zeteo, and it turns out that would be what $116 is for the average American, which is disturbing on multiple levels. It feels not great that someone could have, hypothetically, purchased an entire US government for what, for me, was the cost of a Reformation dress I recently got on sale at Nordstrom Rack (please clap, because it’s not even that cheap on the resale sites and it’s sustainable). I really like the dress, but sadly it does not bring me the power that buying an entire government would.
Alas, Musk did not get the return on investment he had hoped for. Like, at all. Especially in Texas, where all his millions got him was a new Democratic Governor and a new Democratic Lieutenant Governor and a new Democratic Senator and a new Democratic Attorney General and a new Democratic Railroad Commissioner (which is actually real good because Bo French, the Republican nominee, is 32 flavors of ewwww). And that’s pretty sad for him because if there is anything he loves, it is democracy — which he has been told comes from the Greek for “Everything goes my way all of the time, because I am a special boy.”
You can tell he really loves democracy because, after he voted this past weekend, he posted the following missive to the social media site that he purchased for the explicit purpose of normalizing the kind of far-right nonsense you used to only see on sites like 4chan, Stormfront, and the incel boards.
Musk:
My biggest concern is that if there is a clean sweep by Democrats of the House, Senate and Presidency in 2028, they will:
1. Make DC and Puerto Rico states to gain a strong majority in the Senate.
2. Open the borders and legalize everyone living in America illegally to cement a permanent majority.
3. Increase the size of the Supreme Court to gain an immediate majority.
This would result in America becoming a permanent one-party state and the end of democracy in any meaningful sense of the word.
All that is needed to ensure this doesn’t happen is 51 Republican senators in 2029. That is why you should vote for Republican senators this election. Other reasons are irrelevant compared to this one.
So basically he was saying that if Republicans don’t control everything forever then we will … have a one-party government? And that he believes in taxation without representation for areas he thinks might be too liberal? What a champion of democracy he is! Washington DC has a larger population than both Wyoming and Vermont, but the people there should not have representation in Congress because they disagree politically with Elon Musk.
Well, I guess that’s what we’re just stuck with now! One party that will make life affordable and nice for everyone who is not Elon Musk or one of the weirdos over on his site posting fanfiction about a romance between Anakin Skywalker and a lady-version of Draco Malfoy they call “Malfoid,” because even women who are everything they want them to be are still objects of disdain. How very sad!
Following the election results, Musk posted some whines on his special boy social media site. First, he posted, “Data centers in space looking pretty appealing right now,” woefully acknowledging the fact that these new Democrats might be less keen on him moving his shit into places where people live and using up all their water in order to create all of their Darth Vader/Lady Draco Malfoy smut.
Then he cheekily posted, “Guess my election-interfering space lasers didn’t work this time” along with a lil’ shrug emoji, which was certainly a weird choice of terms given that it was people on his own side claiming that Jewish people somehow used magic space lasers to cause the California wildfires. He seems to have confused this with an election conspiracy related to the one where I guess Jewish people and Italians somehow got together and instead of making an Academy Award-winning whimsical romantic comedy or heart-wrenching historical fiction film stole the 2020 election with satellites or whatever.
But speaking of playing fair, in the bootlickingest interview of all time on Monday, Donald Trump told The New York Post that not only did he agree with Musk that Democrats should never be allowed to have power again, but that he was open to preemptively pardoning him for any crimes he might have committed. You know, like the one that Trump may have asked him to do involving cutting off Ukraine’s access to SpaceX’s Starshield/Starlink service in order to make it easier for the Russians to kill them off and steal their land.
Interviewer Miranda Devine brought up the issue of evil Democrats who might try to hurt Trump and his friends and family, asking if he would be able to just offer them all blanket pardons.
Miranda Devine: Now, Elissa Slotkin and people like Jamie Raskin, these Democrats are talking with great glee about the revenge that they’re going to wreak [not just] on you, but your family.
Donald Trump: Yeah, they're bad people. Well, they said the other day because of the war, what war? They didn't know what which war. They thought maybe Venezuela. I said, "We won that war in one day." Then they said, "Oh, well, maybe Iran." I said, "Well, we took their nuclear weapon away." You know, we, if Iran had a nuclear weapon right now, you and I probably wouldn't even be talking. Um, no, they're just very evil people.
I probably don’t need to tell you this, but that is not even remotely what happened. Raskin recently “launched an investigation into the Department of Justice’s (DOJ) reported secret legal memo purporting to grant President Trump unilateral authority to conduct military strikes on civilians—without a declaration of war, congressional authorization, Due Process, a trial, credible evidence, or any basis in law.” At issue were the strikes on civilian boats. This is not hard, though it is very possible that Trump does not know where those occurred.
The Elissa Slotkin thing was her pissing off the entire Right by opining that we should investigate and charge anyone who has helped him break the law — after already being so “traitorous” as to remind people in the armed forces that they can and must refuse illegal orders.
Neither of these situations bore any resemblance to the scenario described by Trump. It seems a lot more likely that he was confused than they were, especially considering that this was an entirely fantasized exchange.
Devine: And they want to arrest Elon Musk. They want to seize his uh factories, uh, nationalize SpaceX.
Trump: It's talk. But if it is talk, we'll have to protect them.
Devine: Big Balls. They want to arrest him. Anyone around you who who enabled you. (Note: She said this with a completely straight face, like it’s very normal for people to be called “Big Balls.”)Trump: Well, I don't know about me. I can tell you this. Uh if they do, we just have to protect those people. […]
Devine: Will you [offer a preemptive pardon]?
Trump: I would if I needed to. Sure.
Devine: Everybody who worked for you?Trump: I would not even think about I'd do it. I did it for J6.
He sure did! And, by sheer coincidence, one of the J6ers he pardoned — who had threatened to kill Nancy Pelosi — was recently rearrested by FBI agents, this time for threatening judges. Cleveland “Cleve” Grover Meredith Jr. posted “ALL J6 Federal JUDGES will be EXECUTED!” to Facebook, and an investigation determined that he had posted similar threats before.
He for sure seems like a well-balanced person who is not a threat to others, as long as they are not Nancy Pelosi or the J6 judges. What a good decision that is for Trump to brag about.
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Right now, a bipartisan group of lawmakers would very much like to look into the fact that Musk ordered speed restrictions on SpaceX's Starshield/Starlink service used by Ukraine and whether or not that had anything to do with wanting to help out his pal Vladimir Putin in his war against them, or whether he did so at Trump’s behest — but if Trump were to pardon him, he’d be off the hook.
Of course, even if Trump does issue a preemptive pardon for our democracy-loving trillionaire overlord, that doesn’t mean that he can’t be held liable for crimes he may have committed in various states or that he can’t be prosecuted for any crimes he may commit after Trump is out of office — and many of the Dems we elected yesterday will still be in office at that point. And given how desperate he is to control, well, everything, it seems likelier than not that this will happen sooner than later.
PREVIOUSLY ON WONKETTE!
“I say this to my Republican colleagues who are defending the indefensible. There will come a day when Donald Trump is gone, but your dishonor will remain.”
— Rep. Liz Cheney (R-WY), at the January 6 hearings.
https://bsky.app/profile/madhupai.bsky.social/post/3mzihypdgb22d
The day only gets better!
Shares of Elon Musk’s Tesla and SpaceX Tumble After Republicans Are Routed
All billionaires must be taxed and big tech must be regulated!
https://www.nytimes.com/2026/11/04/business/musk-elections-spacex-tesla-stocks.html