Whatcha Goin' To Russia For, Kash?
Hmmmm?
Did you hear Kash Kan’t Katch’em Patel is heading to the bowels of the Kremlin for some unknown reason in October? Totally normal trip, you reckon?
According to the U.S. official familiar with the travel plans, Patel is scheduled to visit Russia on Oct. 14-15, first stopping in Moscow and then St. Petersburg. His host is likely to be the FSB, the Russian security service that is heir to the Soviet-era KGB, the official said.
Now, a couple possibilities come to mind, which is that there might be some sort of borscht-making contest/hootenanny happening there that required the services of an excellent country superstar like Kash Kan’t Katch’em’s alleged so-called girlfriend Alexis. He could be taking the private plane to some important FBI business that just happens to coincide with her concert!
Russia might have sent a top-secret FBI message to Kash’s phone that just said “the code word is vodka,” and now, his programming have been activated, his body is being pulled inescapably toward Russia. (Not that we’re suggesting he drinks!)
Maybe they found some bullets at a crime scene in Russia that say “Antifa,” and he has to go ‘vestigate!
Maybe they cleaned the closet in the Kremlin break room and found some girl jackets nobody else wears anymore?
Point is, he’s a serious FBI director who does serious things, and nobody laughs at him at all behind his back literally every time he leaves a room.
Of course, this is a good time to talk about Kash’s weird history with matters relating to Russia, Russia, Russia, this thing with Trump and Russia, which was not a hoax, which even Trump confirmed last week like a dumbass, with his big election document dump.
Remember the first Trump regime, or have you repressed that memory? We didn’t really know Kash Patel’s weird face and needy camera-hogging back then, didn’t see evidence every other day of what an absolutely incompetent loser he is, but if you read the coverage of the Trump-Russia collusion scandals and Trump’s first impeachment — when he tried to extort Ukraine into helping him steal the 2020 election, in exchange for the money and munitions Ukraine desperately needed to defend itself from Russia — Kash was there in the background, rubbing his butthole all over that shit.
First of all, Kash was Devin Nunes’s butt-sniffy boy when Stupid Devin — remember how we used to laugh and laugh and laugh at him all day long? — was chairing the House Intelligence Committee and doing his damnedest to defend Trump from the truth ever coming out about his campaign’s coordination/collaboration/collusion with Russia to help steal the 2016 election.
Patel wrote Stupid Devin's stupidass "RELEASE THE MEMO!" when he worked for Stupid Devin. Remember how we laughed and laughed and laughed at Stupid Devin and Kash Can’t Memo Good’s stupid memo?
That was the memo that was supposed to PROVE! that Hillary Clinton and the Dodgy Dossier were the REAL Russia, Russia, Russia Hoax that illegally started the Russia investigation in order to persecute poor innocent Donald Trump, but because Kash and Devin were and are both incompetent buffoons, if you actually read the memo, you learned, as Wonkette explained at the time, that:
[T]he memo confirms that the FBI's Trump-Russia investigation didn't start because of the DODGY DOSSIER, but because of Trump campaign worker George Papadopoulos, who drunk-rubbed himself all over an Australian diplomat and told him about the conspiracies Russia was doing with Trump. So ... uh ... doesn't that kind of negate the ENTIRE FUCKING POINT of this memo, which is that the DODGY DOSSIER was fake news used to start an unfair investigation into Trump?
Kind of like how Trump accidentally released documents last week that prove the Trump-Russia hoax wasn’t a hoax at all.
If a few more people in this regime knew how to read, one wonders what they might accomplish.
Anyway, after that, Kash somehow ended up failing upward to the National Security Council, and he was rubbing his butthole on that office when Trump was trying to do his drug deal with Ukraine. One of the amazing things that came out during that scandal is that Kash somehow convinced Trump that he was the NSC’s Ukraine expert. Yes, Kash Patel. Now that you know what his face looks like, how Bitchy Pissy Rubber Baby Buggy Bumpers he gets at the slightest provocation, how over-sensitive he is, how milquetoast — see: every testimony to Congress — it’s so much funnier.
The real Ukraine expert in the White House was, of course, impeachment witness Lt. Col. Alexander Vindman. But Trump thought Kash was the Ukraine expert, because Kash reportedly fooled him into thinking so, to the point that Trump called him his “Ukraine director” at the NSC. Yep, still talking bout the same Kash Patel we all know and love now.
The White House didn’t correct Trump’s error, because we guess the White House didn’t want to hurt Donald Trump’s brain with new information. Reportedly, Trump 1.0 White House Russia expert Fiona Hill delivered a message from John Bolton unto Vindman — the real Ukraine expert — to stay out of a key debriefing on Ukraine after Volodymyr Zelenskyy’s inauguration in 2019, because they didn’t want Trump’s brain to have a confusey explodey moment. And Patel was whispering alllllll kinds of absolute bullshit about “Ukraine is the real Russia!” into Trump’s ear and feeding him Christ knows what kinds of documents on Ukraine, which worked because, well, um, Donald Trump is fucking stupid. (*Also likely still compromised if we had to guess, not that anybody seems to have time to talk about that these days.)
Politico reminds us that Vindman “testified that he was told Patel had been circumventing normal NSC process to get negative material about Ukraine in front of the president, feeding Trump’s belief that Ukraine was brimming with corruption and had interfered in the 2016 election on behalf of Democrats.”
It’s all so unbelievable, again, especially moreso now that we all really are deeply acquainted with Kash Patel’s weird face and obvious shortcomings now. Go back and read all those links if you want a horrifying refresher.
So, you know, it’s totally cool that Kash is going to Russia in the fall for fuck if anybody knows why.
Oh yeah, and then there was this, from the Politico article reporting on Kash’s Russia trip:
Patel spent the years between Trump’s terms amplifying doubts about the Russia probe’s origins and even writing children’s books that mock Democrats who spearheaded the investigation. He also faced questions about a $25,000 payment for his involvement in producing a film financed by a Kremlin-linked film company.
Yes, Kash’s weird Russian filmmaker friend Igor Lopatanok, who is reportedly extremely close to Vladimir Putin, who’s known for spreading bullshit propaganda that sends a thrill up the Kremlin’s leg. The Washington Post refreshes us:
The payment to Patel came as he participated in a documentary that Lopatonok produced depicting Patel and other veterans of the first Trump administration as victims of a conspiracy that “destroyed the lives of those who stood by Donald Trump in an attempt to remove the democratically elected president from office.”
The six-part series, titled “All the President’s Men: The Conspiracy Against Trump,” aired in November on right-wing broadcaster Tucker Carlson’s online network. In one segment, Patel vowed to “shut down the FBI headquarters building and open it up as a museum to the ‘deep state.’”
Totally cool. We’re sure there’s nothing untoward about that relationship, not in the slightest. Maybe Kash and his buddy can meet up in Moscow or St. Petersburg and do shots out of each other’s taint canyons or whatever. (Virgin shots, obviously!)
Oh huh, it just occurred to us that Kash’s trip is happening just before the US midterms, which the Trump regime is actively trying to steal, and if we were a conspiracy theorist we might wonder if Trump is trying to make vague accusations against China to cover up that his old pals in Moscow are giving him the old 2016 reacharound all over again.
Whatcha goin’ to Russia for, Kash?
We’re sure the truth will come out, because hoo boy, his FBI is leaky.
Whatever it is, always remember that Kash Patel is, at the end of the day, a try-hard and an incompetent buffoon, a starfucker whose entire face spells out “PICKED LAST,” and who’s riding the dick of his current failed-upward position in a desperate bid to prove everybody has been wrong about him this whole time.
So this will obviously end in humiliation for him, in some way or another, and he absolutely will fuck it up.
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Kash heard about a massive Antifa operation around Stalingrad during WWII, and is going to investigate.
So very conveniently timed before the midterms