Why, O Lord, Didst Kamala Harris Persecute Thy Righteous Fanboys Who Heckled Her?
And where's the smiting? She needs a smiting!
Gosh, kids, it must be two weeks to Election Day, because the rightwing mediasphere has a new story about how Kamala Harris is persecuting Christians, just like Jesus Himself was tortured, don’t you know?
The Murdoch Outrage Ouroboros is once again the vector for this newest attempt to channel fundagelical fears that Democrats will ban the Bible and start throwing believers to the lions. Fox ‘n’ Friends Weekend got the ball rolling Sunday by interviewing the two dorks who heckled Harris’s Milwaukee rally last Thursday, prompting her to crucify them (they got better) with the Obama-grade put-down, “Oh, you guys are at the wrong rally. No, I think you meant to go to the smaller one down the street.” Here’s the clip, where the heckling is barely audible. Sounds like they yelled “you lie!” to me but I have to watch TV with subtitles.
While the rest of America giggled and forwarded the video to their friends, the rightosphere girded its loins for some spiritual warfare to support the poor slain University of Wisconsin-La Crosse students, who got better quickly enough to show up on Fox. Neither kid has yet announced a run for Congress, but that seems inevitable.
Let us consider the plaintive cries of the butthurt hecklers, who bravely came forward to share the story of their martyrdom (they got better).
The innocent hecklers’ own Via Dolorosa began when they went to the Harris rally to share the Good News of the Gospel with people who were there to hear the Democratic presidential nominee speak, not to be preached at, which is already a form of anti-Christian hate.
Grant Beth and Luke Polaske explained that they were there to “do God’s work” in that den of iniquity. Polaske said that when Harris noted that Donald Trump was proud of appointing three of the Supreme Court justices who overturned Roe v. Wade, he “yelled out to the crowd that abortion is the sacrament of Satan,” and yes he sincerely believes that so you shall not mock it.
A bit after that is when he and Mr. Beth began chanting “Christ is Lord” and “Jesus is King” (and aren’t those usually the other way ‘round?), and then Harris unleashed her unspeakably cruel zinger.
Here’s a different angle where you can hear them chanting, although in this video Harris’s joke is barely audible, but the crowd’s laughter certainly is. The boys contend she definitely heard them say their Jesus things all the way up at the dais, and that’s why she proclaimed them anathema and had them cast from her sight.
Then they were rent asunder by Harris’s hateful Christ-killing words and the audience’s fatal blows, which flayed the skin from their flesh, roasted them upon a spit, and threw their charred bones to jackals (they got better, and so did the jackals).
“On video, Grant's getting pushed and shoved, and there's about five seconds before she tells us to go to a small rally down the street. You can see on the video, she waves. She was actually waving to me. I took this cross off my neck that I wear and, as we were getting asked to leave, I held it up in the air and waved at her and pointed at her, and she looked directly in the eye, kind of gave me an evil smirk.”
AN EVIL SMIRK. Can America hope to survive four years of this lawless Jezebel not only smirking evilly, but also laughing from time to time?
Grant Beth solemnly noted that he and his fellow heckler Polanske were a heck of a lot like Jesus himself:
“In reflection of the event, Jesus was mocked. You know, his disciples were mocked, and that’s OK.
“In reality, we did God’s work, and we were there for the right reasons, and God is watching us in this moment. I’m all about being a cordial person no matter your beliefs, but I do believe that we were sent there by God.”
Beth stopped just short of casting his gaze to the heavens and crying “MAGA. MAGA, why hast thou forsaken me?” as he furiously tried to nail himself to a cross.
He also insisted the incident should be a warning to Christians that they must vote for a rapist felon who will institute fascism, but will not make funny jokes, ever, count on that:
“[It's] imperative for young Americans and first time voters like myself to understand that this is what you are going to get with a Kamala Harris presidency. You are going to get the Kamala Harris that alienates over 50 percent of the US population that is Christian. You're going to get the Kamala Harris that skips the Al Smith Memorial Dinner that no major presidential candidate has skipped since, I believe, Walter Mondale in 1984 … It just proves what type of person Kamala is and what type of leader she will be.”
My God, Harris hates all that is good and pure about America, like the beloved Al Smith Dinner that all Christians venerate, although now that you mention it, the dinner raises money for Catholic Charities, which helps the asylum seekers who are also replacing white Christians with dusky-hued papists and other refugees who are poisoning our blood, for which the unholy must be massacred in a Walmart or in a synagogue. Hmm.
We have no idea when the segment was taped, so if either of the Christian Martyrs (they got better) had anything to say about Trump’s Saturday-night musings on the awesome size of Arnold Palmer’s schlong, it didn’t make it to air.
As we say, Fox’s coverage of Harris’s sick torture-murder of the good Christians by means of a joke and an evil smirk (they got better) quickly made the rounds of the wingnuttosphere, with a companion story at the New Murdoch Post, a second story at Fox to explain that Harris hates Christians (“Harris makes pitch to Black churches after telling protesters praising Jesus, ‘You're at the wrong rally’”), and then finally into JD Vance’s teleprompter at a rally in Wisconsin, which was duly reported on Fox. That fucking snake has an endless appetite for its own tail.
Oh yeah, and here’s the fucking JD Vance thing, where a member of the crowd shouted “Jesus is King!” in honor of the Harris-rally martyrs.
Fox Jesusplained that by mocking the protesters, Harris was mocking Jesus (as if she even heard what the assholes were shouting) and Vance explained that Harris was clearly insane with her war on faith:
VANCE: I say this as a Christian, as a person who was baptized for the first time just a few years ago. There is something really bizarre with Kamala Harris’s anti-Christian rhetoric and anti-Christian approach to public policy. I don’t think we’ve seen —
VOICE IN CROWD: JESUS IS KING!
VANCE: That's right. Jesus is King! [capitalized in Fox report — Dok]
Not to be outdone, Trump embellished the story even further at a rally in North Carolina yesterday, suggesting that Harris had told them they were at the wrong rally because they were Christians, and that she told them to “‘get the —’ she basically said ‘get out’ I won’t say it,” although no, Harris did not tell them to get the hell out, that’s more of a Trump thing. Good Crom, do not read the replies.
We figure that’s now going to be the Next Big Thing at Trump Rallies. It’s already a thing on Twitter. No telling if that’ll get better any time before November 5, or ever. Maybe they’ll be chanting it when they try to overthrow the government next time.
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Gosh, I am really wondering why the Online Right is shouting as loudly as possible about the "Jesus is king!" stuff, but not how the guy first "yelled out to the crowd that abortion is the sacrament of Satan"?
>> The innocent hecklers’ own Via Dolorosa <<
See, this is why we need Catholic Wonketteers. That right there is a quality reference. I have enough Latin that I got the reference and realized its importance (because capital letters) and immediately intuited that this must be a name with centuries of tradition behind it, but I could not have come up with this reference. Not in a million years.
If you're giving to Wonkette, this right here is a solid $9.95 reference (which Trix will probably let you have for just $8 if you act now, she's generous that way). So check your bank book and factor that in.