2025 Hero Of The Year: Zohran Kwame Mamdani!
Hope and glamor are back in New York City, baby!
A year ago you had probably not heard of Zohran Mamdani, unless you were closely following the New York state Assembly for whatever reason! He was a mere representative from Astoria, and had only even been that since 2020. And he announced his run for Mayor of New York City in October of 2024, though few took notice, and in January he was polling at less than one percent.
But politics can be wild that way! Especially when ranked choice is involved. And luck! At the end of September, Mayor Eric Adams got indicted for bribery, conspiracy, and fraud, after allegedly taking money and luxury travel from the Turks to ignore Armenian Genocide Day and open the Turkish consular building without a fire inspection. For Adams it was a greased sleigh-ride downhill from there, especially after he made an unholy pact to help out Donald Trump and assist ICE, in potential violation of local New York laws, and went on Fox News to brag about that. Then the DOJ tried to get his charges dismissed, a bunch of prosecutors quit rather than sign off on it, it was a whole thing. By March, Adams’s approval rating had plunged to 20 percent, and more than half of voters said he should resign.
Enter Zohran Mamdani, a Democratic Socialist and then just 33 years old! He was a master of the short-video genre, and also, as it turned out, debating. In a poll taken February 3-5, Mamdani was literally polling at one percent. Then from there he went up by 10 points a month. When have you ever even heard of such a thing before? Not even Barack Hussein Obama presided over such a meteoric rise! But Mamdani was just that damn good, especially those viral videos. He found his theme, AFFORDABILITY, and pounded it.
And it got better. So much better. He and fellow candidate Brad Lander adorably endorsed each other. And what gifts the other candidates were to him too! Gropey, pervy, crabby old Cuomo, who hadn’t lived in the city since the ‘90s, and did nothing but complain about it, even though he himself was governor for most of the policies he bitched about the most. In June, Mamdani beat Cuomo in the Democratic primary, but that entitled asshole was so addicted to the sound of his own voice he ran as an independent, with a last-ditch grope at Trump and racism, letting Mamdani easily beat him again in November.
And Republican candidate Curtis Sliwa! What a gift that cat-collecting nut was. Remember how in the ‘90s as founder of the Guardian Angels Sliwa got busted faking dramatic subway rescues, faking racist graffiti at GA headquarters, and even faking his own kidnapping by transit police officers, who he claimed kidnapped him because they were mad he was crimefighting so good? Though as Mamdani charitably pointed out, unlike Cuomo, Sliwa at least seemed to genuinely care about the city. And Sliwa got in zingers too!
“If you’re under 30, Cuomo’s always flirty.”
Oh, the tag-teaming they did!
All the free publicity Fox News kept giving him with their meltdowns probably didn’t hurt either. Fame, they will remember his name!
In the end, Mamdani even squeaked past 50 percent. George Santos was JUST SO MAD about it.
And also in June, Mamdani married his insanely glamorous wife, artist Rama Sawaf Duwaji, whom he met on Hinge, so Gen Z. And then they had a big party in Uganda, giving Fox News even more to cry about.
Look upon Rama Duwaji’s drip, ye mighty, and GAG!
Mamdani filled us all with so much hope this year! It’s the AFFORDABILITY, stupid. And also the likability, the relatability, and putting in the WERK! That Mamdani bused, biked, and jogged to every synagogue, mosque, church house, schoolhouse, coffee house, bathhouse, and gin house that would have him, and deftly reached disillusioned Trump voters and under-engaged potential voters with ads in multiple languages.
He smiled and laughed right in their racist, Islam-o-phobic little faces.
What do you know, voters are more willing to go with a relatively untested leader over a career-politician nepo-baby with name recognition than one might assume. And maybe the blessing of the old-guard Democratic establishment does not actually mean so much any more.
No wonder New York was so damn happy! And PS, fuck you, Donald Trump!
Eventually the old man realized that it was better to make nice. Or maybe somebody slipped chill pills in his Jesus juice. Who ever knows with that guy!
Whatever was said behind closed doors, though, Mamdani doesn’t seem to be softening any stances. He just appointed some lesbians as deputy mayor and fire chief, and the likes of Laura Loomer have gone into complete apoplexy. You love to see it! (Her full rant is in the alt text.)
Suck it up, baby, suck it up. Art, kindness, glamor, and AFFORDABILITY that makes New York City work better for everybody is coming! And if John A. Catsimatidis and his fatcat billionaire friends want to leave, they can hop a free bus to the airport.
PREVIOUSLY!
HAPPY NEW YEAR to all my wonderful Wonk friends!! So many bangs and pops and what is probably gunfire!
Well, I can't think of a nicer group of commie prevert fuckaducks to live through the end times with. I'm proud to call you guys friends, and I think of you all as my family of choice. For fucking better or for fucking worse, lets snark through 2026 together. Fuck 'em all with a rusty garden weasel. Slava Ukraine!