2025: The Year In Trump Making Peace!
No more wars? No! More wars.
Donald Trump ran on no more wars, and bringing peace to Ukraine within 48 hours. And that is not what happened! Before the guy was even inaugurated he was heaving his blowhole about taking over Greenland, or Panama, or maybe Canada. Fortunately those wars did not come to pass. (Yet.)
But ride on the peace train? You misheard, he said, I’m right on the pee stain, and meant he needed a new pair of pants.
Before and immediately after he was inaugurated he was killing Vladimir Putin … with multiple orgasms! Then reviving him and sucking him off some more! He appointed Russia pals all over the place, from “Russia’s girlfriend” Tulsi Gabbard as Director of National Intelligence, to Pete Hegseth, who supports the US tiptoeing out of NATO and characterized Russia’s invasion of Ukraine as “Putin’s ‘give me my shit back’ war,” to Meatball McPeenertoilet as Ambassador to NATO, to letting Putin hand-pick Trump’s golf partner and useful idiot Steve Witkoff to do the negotiating on behalf of the US with no translator.
In spite of threatening double-dog tariffs on Russia starting in February if Russia did not stop bombing hospitals and playgrounds, that never happened. Trump even demanded that Congress not act on any tariffs for Russia, so he could stall some more, and pretend he was chasing some sticks Putin was throwing. And even after Trump literally rolled out the red carpet for Putin in Alaska and gave him a ride in The Beast, Russia only bombed Ukraine harder than ever before. And Russia and Ukraine are now no closer to a ceasefire than when Russia invaded nearly three years ago.
But the Peace President ended eight wars! As long as it doesn’t count if both sides continue to kill each each other, or were never actually at war to begin with.
Such as in the Near and Middle Easts! The Trump-Kushners cannot wait to end the war between Israel and Hamas in whatever way leads fastest to a family-owned resort in Gaza. In February Dear Leader even posted a whole weird AI slop video fantasizing about it.
And on October 13, Jared Kushner, Steve Witkoff, and mostly Qatar brokered a deal between Israel and Hamas to return Israeli hostages, hooray for that! But it did not even take 24 hours before six Palestinians were killed by Israeli forces in northern and central Gaza. And Israel has now gone back to banning dozens of major international humanitarian aid organizations there.
Trump also includes Israel and Iran in the eight wars he credits himself with ending, meaning the 12-day “war” that Israel started by surprise-attacking Iran behind Trump’s back while Trump TruthSocialed in all caps that Israel SHOULD NOT DO IT, and then publicly waffled about wanting to get involved.
In the end, Hegseth dropped some mostly impotent bombs on Iran’s nuclear Smaug mountain, after Iran got about a two-week heads up about it thanks to Trump’s busy, waffling baloneyhole. The generals even had to send two decoy planes going in the wrong direction to fool Trump so he wouldn’t post about the attack before it happened. Is that normal?
And then Iran came up with the peace, actually. And it was a beautiful solution! To quote ourselves:
[W]ith the world on tenterhooks waiting to see what Iran might do, they came up with a solution off of the pages of one of the missing tales of Scheherazade: Bomb the US Al Udeid base in Qatar, with a symbolic same number of bombs that the Americans dropped on Iran, and give the US and Qatar ample heads up so that the base could be evacuated. Probably behind the scenes Iran also reassured him oh yeah, all that uranium, totally obliterated, no need to keep looking for it! There, got you back, everybody’s happy. Indeed, the spectacle pleased and distracted Shahriyar Trump.
And peace therein did flower, more or less, and Trump took the credit.
As for the other places, India and Pakistan, Serbia and Kosovo, Ethiopia and Egypt, Rwanda and Congo, Cambodia and Thailand, and Armenia and Azerbaijan, are all either not at actual war, and/or have not actually stopped fighting.
Is pulling out of USAID a world peace thing? Bombing boats and killing more than a hundred random people in the Caribbean and Pacific? (That NYT article about the bombed boat washing onshore, JFC!) Bombing Nigeria? And don’t forget Syria and ALL CLEAR ON OPSEC Yemen, HIC, the US bombed there too, BURP. Are these peace things, or are they “creating new generations who will see America as the enemy” kinds of things?
And are we at war yet with Venezuela or not? Trump claims that the US has bombed a dock there, which would be the first land attack, but after 24 hours Venezuela was still not confirming that. And the US has the port under blockade, kind of, and has possibly been cyberattacking the state oil company.
And, of course, regime change starts at home. It’s been a year of war on anybody who looks like they might be an immigrant, trans people, education, anybody who stands up to Trump, blue cities, people with the audacity to quote Charlie Kirk’s own words, the environment, pregnant people, the rule of law, civil servants, evidence-based medicine ... MAGA loves America, they just hate everybody who lives there!
Peace on earth, 2025 was not your year. And next year doesn’t look so great either. Guess we’ll all have to work on making our own peace from scratch at home.
[AP / Wall Street Journal gift link / NYT archive link / Al Jazeera]
okay everywonk it here! it here! yr
last notification of the year!!
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smoking lamp is lit! :]
HEY! The Jack Smith deposition has been released. The Giant Orange Fucktater should be even more worried with this information coming out. AND there's video.