'america i love you land of the pilgrims’ and so forth.' Wonkette News One-A-Day, July 3, 2026
sometimes you just need a li’l e.e. cummings even if the headline breaks wonkette’s house capitalization rules; it’s a holiday weekend and i bet i can get away with it, dok said. And drank rapidly a glass of water. (and fired himself just in case).
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Our Independence Day Eve began, as always, with Tabs, and with a gif image of a majestic babby møøse who wouldn’t even dream of biting you, especially if you refrain from karving your initials into it with a toothbrush.
We were treated, if that’s the word, to another cameo appearance from minor Trump 1 player Meatball Matthew Whitaker, who went on Fox News to explain that what makes America great is eating in your car, which can be done in no other place because FREEDOM.
New York Mayor Zohran Mamdani, flanked by newly-naturalized American citizens, gave an Independence Day speech and we watched it live until he forced Americans at gunpoint to set their thermostats to 78° F and the world ended.
We took a look at the Georgia race for US Senate, where Democratic incumbent Jon Ossoff is facing a challenge from a generic MAGA troll who looks like a used car salesman and whose campaign launch video misspelled “Georgia.” It will be annoyingly close come November.
Republicans are so worried that not enough white babies are being born that they’ve decided higher rates of teen pregnancy are needed, at least among patriotic white teens.
And as one does, we ended the week with happy hour and a minimalist variation on the Cuba Libre, also for FREEDOM.
Yr Wonkette loves you! Stay hydrated and do not point fireworks at anyone! See you Monday!
Mind yew, Møøse bites can be nasti!
We apologise for the fault in the subtitles. Those responsible have been sacked.
Spooky, we JUST watched that DVD like... Tuesday? With Ralph the Wonder Llama!
Stay cool, and drink those Colonial beverages!