Meatball McPeenerToilet Proud To Be An American, Where At Least You Can Eat Chick-Fil-A In The Car
It's true, Denmark executed 10 men for this last week, and that's why we must liberate Greenland.
Well, when you don’t have free healthcare or paid family leave or the freedom to be sure your kids won’t get murdered at school;
When you have a Defense secretary with such severe masculinity issues he insists on being called the secretary of WAR! even though he clearly has a less-than-zero understanding of the grown-up planning parts of war;
When you literally just started a war with a theoretically much weaker nation only to lose it on the first fucking day, because you’re the only president and Defense secretary in recent American history stupid enough to let Benjamin Netanyahu convince you that’s a good idea;
When you can’t say for sure you have a vice president whose penis doesn’t have a severe case of duvet-burn right now;
When that same vice president, with the zeal of a baby convert, is also in the midst of a feud with the very pope himself over who’s more Catholic;
When your president brags sometimes more than once a week about how he takes a dementia test every time he goes to the doctor and they say he picks out “camel” perfectly;
When affordability is at record lows;
When the government murders innocent people in the street for peacefully trying to stop the feds from taking their neighbors to murder/rape concentration camps;
When women aren’t allowed the freedom to decide if they’d like to carry a pregnancy to term or not, even if it’s an ectopic pregnancy that’ll kill them and their nonviable fetus both;
When the Supreme Court is made up of illegitimate partisan hacks who would skullfuck the Constitution to unholy death given the first opportunity, and are indeed licking their lips to do just that;
When the alleged adults in charge take orgasmic pleasure in cruelly hurting people, hurting immigrants, hurting children, hurting immigrant children, hurting trans children, hurting children in other countries, murdering children in other countries;
When your country is such a laughingstock to its own people and worldwide that literally nobody with two brain cells to rub together has any interest in being caught dead at the country’s 250th birthday celebrations;
Then we guess you have to get creative when you’re coming up with reasons to be proud of your country on its 250th birthday.
Matthew Whitaker, AKA Meatball McPeenerToilet, the former (acting) attorney general and underdeveloped oaf who once tried to invent a toilet for men with such huge penises they couldn’t shit without flushing their dick down the toilet — we refuse to believe this happened to him personally, but maybe he was trying to make life better for some conservative man he was being subservient to — is now the ambassador to NATO. Why? Well maybe NATO keeps flushing its big cock down the toilet too, and they’re all uncircumcised in Europe so it probably makes an even bigger and more embarrassing sound there, something like a combination between an underwater WHOOOOOOSH of hot tub jets and the poot-farting sound of an untied balloon flying around the room as it gives up its air.
In a French accent.
Point is, Meatball is a serious man with a serious job, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t have time to sit down with Brian Kilmeade on Fox & Friends and tell him what about America turns his potty-dipping peener right side up again.
And it’s, um. Well. It doesn’t take much.
Talking about all those World Cup fans enjoying the United States, Meatball explained what really makes America great:
MEATBALL: People are enjoying the United States of America because it’s an awesome place and we have extraordinary things like Buc-ee’s, like Chick-Fil-A, you know, just some very convenient to eat in your car as you’re doing, having a phone call.
What?
MEATBALL: It’s an amazing country and I’m glad that people are finally discovering what real America is.
Real America, and what makes it amazing, is sitting in your car on the phone at Buc-ee’s or Chick-Fil-A, eating?
Does he think people get executed for that in other countries?
Who’s he on the phone with that this is so exciting?
Reminds us of a few weeks ago when a journalist asked Rick Scott about World Cup fans chanting "Aussie boys are on a bender, Donald Trump is a sex offender,” and Scott said, “Think about it, they probably can't do it in their countries,” and the journalist thought about it and clarified for Scott that, once again, we are talking about Australia.
These untraveled pigfuck rubes really think America is the only “free” country in the world, where you can call the president a sex offender while you’re eating waffle fries in your car, by yourself.
MEATBALL: You know, being from Des Moines, Iowa, I like it when they see places outisde of New York and Washington DC and Los Angeles.
Like Buc-ee’s and Chick-Fil-A, where they have snacks and chicken sandwiches, which are sadly illegal in all other countries.
So, a couple of things. First, this tweet that’s been going around:
But do those snooty Europeans in the Alps have beaver nuggets? Or are they just dunking their penises in low-flow toilets while they yearn for Pete Hegseth to come liberate them?
Secondly, of course, it’s been noted that so many of these World Cup fans who are enjoying the US — and they really are! wonderful! we are glad! — are going to matches in cities that, with the sort-of exception of Dallas, are in fully woke, godless, gaygender blue cities. (The stadium is in Arlington, in Tarrant County, which went for Trump. Dallas County was won by Kamala Harris. That said, is it any wonder that DFW is widely considered the shittiest large metropolitan area in the entire US?)
The rest is just the dopamine hit anybody gets from eating 4,000 calories at Waffle House, AKA the “indestructible fortress of violence and syrup,” in one sitting.
And you know what? Good! We’ve all been on road trips. Even Democrats do that. We eat at Lambert’s and we take pictures next to the world’s biggest bucket of piss or whatever is the big attraction at the exit near Matt Whitaker’s mom’s house. We even go to Cracker Barrel! We do not tend to let it ruin our week when Cracker Barrel changes its logo, though, because we have lives.
And we also do not go on Fox News and jizz all over our big dick toilets with gratitude that we are allowed to sit in the parking lot of Chick-Fil-A and eat our single-pickle chicken sandwich in the car, because if that’s what you’re grateful for in America, you’re an absolute fucking loser.
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Yet another dildo-shaped Republican...
The only folks out in force at the so-called "fair" are...you guessed it gang!...Pulpit Pimps!
Even the "Great American State Fair" can't escape Christian preachers making it worse
This weekend could have been a huge celebration of the country’s 250th anniversary. But a bipartisan-backed festival that could have drawn in millions of Americans was hijacked by Donald Trump, who replaced it with the now-disastrous “Great American State Fair.” There’s a remarkable lack of people on the National Mall, because who wants to visit Washington, D.C. for what’s essentially a giant Trump rally, with live coverage from Fox News, a Confederate flag, overpriced food, and a heat wave that makes it unpleasant to be outside at all.
Despite all that, there are still people who want to make things worse: evangelists...
Jason Jimenez saw a mission field.
“Has anyone told you that God loves you and that he has a plan for your life?” the 38-year-old Bible student began each conversation as he moved in the baking, bright sun.
For Jimenez and the more than 1,000 other missionaries who came to Washington, D.C., to win souls for Christ at the Great American State Fair, the Trump-administration-run event was “the perfect environment,” he said.
https://www.friendlyatheist.com/p/even-the-great-american-state-fair