Conservative Women Surprised To Learn What Patriarchy Looks Like, Part 74,388,927

Right-wing ladies are very upset about an anti-woke beer company's pin-up calendar.

Over the last few years, conservatives have become a little confused about what it is they actually believe, versus what they pretend to believe in for the sake of “owning the libs.”

They’ve been forced to pretend to take the side of “free speech” to protect racists and other bigots from the consequences of the things they say, even as they gleefully sported their pro-Pinochet “free helicopter rides” T-shirts (the “joke” is that you throw people out of helicopters if they are liberals who say and believe the wrong things). Trump forced them to pretend, for a time, that the whole “family values” thing was just so ‘90s and they’d been over it for years, what are you even talking about? Then, a few years later, they had to pretend they believed that things that were obviously not pornography were, in fact, pornography, in order to justify trying to keep kids from finding out that gay people exist.

As a result, they are now all very, very torn about an anti-woke beer company’s calendar featuring scantily-clad ladies of the Right.

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Conservative Dad’s Ultra Right Beer was invented as an alternative to Bud Light for those conservatives who were scarred for life by the brand doing some freedom of speech and association sponsored content, or “sponcon,” with trans TikTok influencer Dylan Mulvaney. Why? Well, transphobia, obviously — but also their belief that brands they use and like need to show them respect by not being nice to people they hate for no good reason. It’s all very grown up and definitely a thing that people who are very secure in themselves and their beliefs do all the time.

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In keeping with their desire to police women’s bodies, earlier this month the brand released “Conservative Dad’s Real Women of America 2024 Calendar” featuring cheesecake-y pictures of transphobe-of-the-sea Riley Gaines, white supremacist Ashley St. Clair — so nice they showed them twice — along with former NRA spokesperson Dana Loesch and … well, after that it seems like they kinda ran out of people we’ve actually heard of.

And you would think that this would be embraced, given how very upset they were that this year’s Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue failed to provide conservative men with the boners they so desperately sought — but no! Well, “no!” from right-wing women who for some reason thought that being sexually objectified was not part of the patriarchal plan.

Commentator Allie Beth Stuckey called the pictures “soft porn” — apparently not getting the memo about “we just call stuff that involves LGBTQ+ people or basic sex education ‘softcore porn’ because we hate LGBTQ+ people and weirdly think that if we don’t tell kids about any of that they will live their lives as virginal heterosexuals until marriage!” She said:

You can probably guess what I think about a calendar branded for “conservative dads” filled with pictures of women, many of them married and many of them very scantily clad. Hate it. I also find the discourse ridiculous, as if we’re all supposed to pretend we don’t understand the purpose of a calendar of posed, full-body pictures of women. You can call me a prude, puritanical, or jealous of these women’s beauty— whatever makes you feel better. I just don’t see the value in marketing what’s basically, in some photos, soft porn to married (or unmarried) men. Of course these women are gorgeous, and of course I’m all for celebrating true femininity in an age that can’t define “woman.” In my view, this doesn’t accomplish that at all.

Over on the Heritage Foundation’s “news” site, The Daily Signal, Rachel del Giudice also claimed it was “soft porn” and hilariously expressed shock at the fact that “Christian men” watch porn.

Conservatives, representing a movement that is pro-life, pro-family, and pro-civil society, should never be inviting lust in any way, shape, or form.

Yes, we can and should highlight the women who make our movement the strongest, best, most attractive movement in the world. But doing so by flaunting their bodies is absolutely not the way. 

According to a 2014 report by Diverse: Issues in Higher Education, 79% of men between the ages of 18 and 30 view pornography monthly; 67% of men between 31 and 49 view it monthly; and 49% of men between 50 and 68 do so.

Saddest of all, according to the report, men who say they are Christians watch pornography at work at the same rate as the national average.

That’s just basic math, ma’am. Sixty-five percent of the country identifies as Christian … so one would have to imagine that this would affect “the national average.” That being said, there are an awful lot of youth pastors and Josh Duggars going to prison on the regular for things like sexual assault and child pornography, so no, no one is shocked by that information. Frankly, if I were Ms. del Giudice I’d just be glad they’re looking at adult women.

Twitter user Liz Wolfe said, “The calendar is tacky, the pie does not look particularly impressive or delicious, and the kitchen is giving sad apartment complex, tbh. An electric stove? That's even worse than demonic pornography.”

You know, I get that they are mad about phasing out gas stoves because they hate anything that helps the environment, but it’s weird that they’re actually mad about electric stoves, just in general, now. I prefer an electric stove! Way less chance of setting my bangs on fire.

One of the extra hilarious bits of this saga is the fact that many of the women featured in the calendar are now joking about other conservative women calling it “demonic.” They should know by now that when you joke about people calling you “demonic,” conservative Christians think it is for real.

Come on, this lady was just trying to burn newspapers! What’s more holy than that?

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To be clear, all of these ladies love the patriarchy and hate feminism, and as such, really shouldn’t be weighing in on such matters at all. In a patriarchal society, it’s the menfolk who decide whether they want women to be sex objects/maids in bikinis or if they should be sex objects/maids in FLDS prairie dresses. That’s kind of the whole point.

To be surprised that a conservative beer company would be putting out a sexy cheesecake calendar suggests that the great minds behind the Coors Light twins ad campaign were raging liberals … which definitely does not seem like a thing that would be true.

Indeed, feminists are the reason why this kind of advertising has gone out of style — not because we oppose sex or sexuality, but because we want women to be realistically depicted and not just objectified.

I will say this, however: Doing cheesecake poses in bikinis and short dresses is literally the least offensive thing any of these women have ever done or ever will do in their lives.

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