In This 4-Year Performance, The Part Of Kellyanne Conway Will Be Played By Trump Spokesmodel Alina Habba
Habba dabba doooooo.
She’s baaa-aack! For act two of UGH, That Man Again, the role of Kellyanne Conway shall be played by his New Jersey parking lot lawyer, Alina “I can fake being smart” Habba, who has been given the title “counselor to the president.”
Habba’s skills run the entire gamut from insulting the press to sucking up to Trump. She met That Man while she was hanging around his New Jersey clubhouse, and surely endeared herself to him when she allegedly violated professional ethics to insert herself into a sexual-harassment lawsuit that a server there filed against her manager, for demanding sex in exchange for keeping her job. Habba sidled up to the server, pretending to be a friend who wanted to help, heart emoji heart emoji! And the helpful advice she wanted to give was that the server should fire her lawyer, sign an NDA, and take a paltry $15,000 settlement that would not even cover her legal fees. The cat did not stay in the bag, and Habba settled a lawsuit from the server in September, for an undisclosed amount.
Habba may not have been good at lawyerin’, but That Man apparently realized she had a special knack for shutting women up! He brought her onto his team defending the lawsuit filed by former “Apprentice” contestant Summer Zervos, one of the gajillion women he was accused of unwantedly pussgrabbing. Habba threatened Zervos with a countersuit, and Zervos dropped her claim.
Habba then repped Old Ugly in his $100 million lawsuit against his own niece, Mary, plus the New York Times and their reporters David Barstow, Susanne Craig, and Russ Buettner for having the audacity to spill tea/publish a series of reports on the “dubious tax schemes” and “instances of outright fraud” that debunked his image as a self-made man. (The Times and reporters won a Pulitzer for it!) That lawsuit was thrown out with a bootprint to the ass, and in January the subject was ordered to pay nearly $400,000 for the Times’s legal fees over his SLAPP-happy bullshit.
Next Habba repped him in his New York civil fraud trial, where she didn’t check a box on a form requesting a jury trial, then complained that he did not get a jury trial, eye-rolled, whispered, talked shit about the judge’s law clerk, and acted like an all-around a-hole, and her client lost, bigly.
Habba also repped that guy in his LOLsuit against Hillary Clinton and FBI officials, where she and Treasonballs got sanctioned $50,000 and were ordered to pay almost a million bucks towards court costs, in a scathing ruling. And she repped him in the second E. Jean Carroll defamation case, where she argued that the adjudicated rapist did Carroll a big favor by making her extra famous, because Carroll craves the limelight, and is crazy and was lying about everything because she deleted some of the hundreds of death threats she got. It was all deeply disgusting, and the jury thought so too, awarding Carroll $83.3 million. (No, Carroll hasn’t gotten it yet, the adjudicated rapist and defamer is still appealing, ugh.)
Habba also repped the by-then adjudicated rapist and fraud in Michael Cohen’s retaliation lawsuit (a rare W, actually).
And, icing on the poop cake, in 2022 Habba herself got sued by a former employee, secretary Na'Syia Drayton, who alleged that Habba repeatedly sang along to “inappropriate” music in the office (namely Ruff Ryders Anthem by DMX; N-words in Paris by Kanye West and Jay-Z; and Rich Ass Fuck and Lollipop by Lil Wayne) while using the N-word, made racist comments to her like “you people like fried chicken,” called another coworker “a cheap Jew,” and shouted in regards to New York state Attorney General Letitia James, “I hate that Black bitch!”
Yep, class act! And also a BFF with a Real Housewife of New Jersey.
Yeah, we sure would like to have shoved her down into our memory-holes, and never thought about her again, but here she is. Best people, and all that.
OPEN THREAD.
[Alice Bianco complaint/ Zervos v. Trump/ AP/ Politico/ NY Times archive link/ CNN/ Business Insider archive link]
I’d rather be pretty than smart
This courtroom smells like a fart
I’d call the next witness
Except I am witless
And I don’t know a tort from a tart
Open Thread Chat Dec. 10. This is how dogwoods grow. https://substack.com/chat/1783367/post/916f6447-7297-4527-9c0c-ea7a43d537d7