2023: James Comer’s Year Of Looking For Hunter Biden’s Penis But Never Finding It
No, this isn't Legislative Shitheel.
If there is anything citizens of the world will remember about 2023, it is that Wonkette reached a point where it couldn’t finish a post about Republican House Oversight Committee Chairman James Comer without calling him “Pigfuck.” There is just no other word in the Queen’s English that so accurately describes that broken Kentucky banjo who’s wasted our entire year — and promises to do so more in 2024! — trying to invent Joe Biden and Hunter Biden “scandals” that simply don’t exist.
We knew early on, almost a full year ago, when the Republicans had just taken power in the House, and during one of their press conferences, Comer almost kicked over a podium trying to scold reporters for refusing to ask about Hunter Biden's laptop or Hunter Biden's penis or Hunter Biden's Ukrainian Chinese Burisma.
Here was the video that started it all off:
We wrote, “That spunky bucket of Kentucky fried hog gristle up there is GOP Rep. James Comer,” in case readers did not know him yet. “He's got that big square head and that grin that looks like God put a permanent ‘kick me’ sign on his poor face. His cheeks are flush, we imagine his heart rate is a bit elevated. It's Hunter Fuckin' Biden Time, y'all!”
Comer’s star turn was supposed to be back in September, when Comer and his loyal buttwhistlers Jim Jordan and Jason Smith (chairs of the Judiciary and Ways and Means committees, respectively) came together for a hearing to really lay out the evidence.
Of course, he set the expectations impossibly low beforehand, and then still failed to meet them. Fox News made fun of him after the hearing, like it’s always doing. (Steve Doocy is partic known for hurting Jamie Comer’s heart feelings.) Steve Bannon was left there with his pockmarked dick in his hand asking, Is that it?
When you can’t get those guys off? That is sad.
At this point, it appears the only thing James Comer has proven is that a couple members of the Biden family have been kind of name-dropping fuckups at various points, and Grandpa Joe is that relative who usually gets called upon to help. He even loans them money sometimes.
IMPEACH!
All indications are that Comer’s investigations will only get stupider and more desperate in 2024. They’re doing a real (fake) impeachment inquiry of Joe Biden, based on (????). And he is just so embarrassing. How embarrassing? If he was your baby, you’d drop him off at a fire station. That’s how embarrassing.
Here are a bunch of Wonkette headlines about James Comer from the past year. They kind of tell the story better than any year-end summary can.
GOP Oversight Chair James Comer SO MAD White House Won't Let Him Bone Special Counsel Investigation
![James Comer Sick Of Being Outsmarted By Evil Genius Archnemesis [CHECKS NOTES] Steve Doocy](https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/$s_!D0d-!,w_140,h_140,c_fill,f_webp,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep,g_auto/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2Fcfa78458-2605-4f9f-86ae-3513593427d9_684x354.png)
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It’s official here. I’ve started 2024 with Hunter Biden’s penis. *raises a glass*
Since I got laid off in early 2019 it's been an unbroken string of large horrible things and small victories. I'm hoping to reverse the trend in 2024, or, hell, not have horrible things happen at all. That would be nice.
My very best wishes for a good, non-horrible 2024 to everyone.