See You In Hell, DOGE :)
The Department of Government Efficiency officially put down.
Reuters has reported that it seems that DOGE has been quietly euthanized. Eight months before its charter was officially up, it no longer exists as an entity!
The Trump way, play fast and loose with the law, and one step ahead of consequences. But looking back, what was DOGE really all about? Not saving money! Spending and the deficit are both up, and much of DOGE’s claimed savings turned out to be made up entirely. Not efficiency! More than 26,000 of the experts DOGE fired had to be hired right back, sometimes within 24 hours, like when it fired the engineers of America’s nuclear arsenal.
REMEMBER WHEN?
DOGE was more like a smash-n-grab: gutting government agencies, eliminating about 300,000 government jobs, ending research, control-F-deleting “DEI” words, and terrorizing civil servants like the Heritage Foundation and Russ Vought have always wanted.
Then the grab: Musk and his dozens of minions accessed and exported mountains of government data, including people’s sensitive Social Security and IRS information, putting it on their personal, un-secure laptops. Some of it went to third parties, like into Palantir’s Foundry database system. And data from the National Labor Relations Board went to Russia, said a whistleblower, followed by DOGE minions sloppily trying to cover their tracks.
And some of the data just went oops-unattended.
But the job DOGE did first, and most thoroughly, was dismantle USAID.
And one of the very first things Trump did was make Secretary of State Marco Rubio also administrator of USAID, and also head of the National Archives. It seemed like destroying USAID was about some lack-of-virtue signaling, America telling the world’s poor to fuck off and die. And dying they are.
But there were other things USAID did besides provide food and medicine, like help the governments of other countries root out bribery and fraud, and it conducted audits and oversight. Things the US government used to be against and all for. And that made USAID a repository of all kinds of details about corrupt foreign governments! Like the way USAID was investigating the misuse of Elon Musk’s Starlink terminals in Ukraine, and whether the president of El Salvador, Nayib Bukele, was diverting USAID funds to help out MS-13 gang members who then allegedly helped him get elected.
Guess we shan’t be hearing about those investigations any more!
And surely Musk also plundered information about his competitors, would-be union organizers, whistleblowers, investigations into his self-immolating car company and screaming monkey brain-meddling labs, etc.
Any goodwill went downhill fast for DOGE, after Musk’s fantasies of dead people getting Social Security and chainsawing fraud turned out to be all made up, and DOGE’s dismantlings, firings, and data intrusions led to more than 20 lawsuits. Where, once in court, DOJ lawyers resisted even naming who was in charge.
Then at the end of February Musk sent out that dumbstupid email demanding all government employees name five things that they did all week, and mocked them with a SpongeBob meme.
The world’s oldest edgelord. And that infuriated America! Immediately congresspeople were getting so lit up at town halls that the chair of House Republicans’ campaign arm told his members to stop having any.
LOL.
Still, Musk remained Trump’s very best friend for another couple of months, tagging along everywhere, even bringing his kid along to rub his boogers on the Resolute Desk and tell Trump to shut his mouth.
Precious.
Then Musk’s star faded even faster after he tried to buy a Wisconsin state supreme court seat and failed. You’re only as good as your last deal in Trumpistan!
Because Dear Leader can never be wrong, Musk, Rubio, and Scott Bessent fought bitterly about who was to blame for America’s anger at DOGE, culminating in Musk and Scrappy-Doo Scott Bessent coming to blows, and Musk slamming Bessent in the ribs “like a rugby player.”
Who knew he had it in him?
By May, the Tesla board was on the verge of firing Musk as CEO because he never showed up to work. And at the end of the month Musk announced the end of his stint in government. And somebody leaked to the New York Times all the stuff Trump surely knew about Musk already: He took drugs, and treats the mothers of his kids like shit. Plus some unflattering details we didn’t know, like that Musk took so much ketamine that he peed himself.
Musk also did not take the breakup well, posting that video of Trump dancing with Epstein and ogling girls. Which Musk also had known about Trump already. So much for mutually assured dickstruction!
REMEMBER WHEN?
And Politico picked up the story of what went on with the DOGE minions after Edgelord VonKetamine left town:
As the sun fell on downtown Washington, the displaced dozen joined up with fellow DOGE staffers atop the nine-story GSA building, armed with beer, pretzels and La Croix, and prepared for something akin to a wake.
Said one leader, “Guys, seriously, get your own lawyer if you need it. Elon’s great, but you need to watch your own back.”
Indeed! Accessing people’s sensitive data and sending it to Russia or that person’s political rivals or wherever is a crime. As is threatening and stalking whistleblowers. And who knows whatever other nefarious things those guys were doing that they were so intent on hiding from the world that they lived holed up in bunker-like rooms with hot plates, muscle milk, trash bags covering the windows, and armed guards at the door, and refuse to name names. Maybe someday we’ll find out the full extent of their activities.
US Attorney for DC Jeanine Pirro may not be inclined to prosecute DOGE boys who committed any crimes, but district attorneys in Maryland, Virginia, and other blue states surely would not mind collaring DOGE creeps for any prowling or data-stealing they may have done to citizens in those jurisdictions. And one way or another, Trump won’t be the king forever.
Hey, you know what would have been better and cheaper than these guys each having to hire their own lawyer? Listening to the government’s lawyers in the first place!
Where are they now?
Elon Musk, of course, got his brand ruined and has no real friends. Though he imagines that if he did, they would sit around and make Grok do “epic vulgar roasts.”
Nevertheless, Tesla was so glad to have him back they gave him a $1 trillion pay package, and his companies still get billions from government contracts across multiple agencies.
Vivek Ramaswamy, who was going to co-lead the new department-that-wasn’t, also fucked off to greener pastures, like running for governor of Ohio and realizing the group of racist pukes he joined up with will never accept him as one of their own.
Edward “Big Balls” Coristine, age 19, has joined Joe Gebbia, co-founder of Airbnb, to run the National Design Studio, a new entity Trump made by executive order in August to beautify government web sites. And Big Balls is also a senior adviser at the State Department and at the Department of Homeland Security. It is unknown if he is still dating Emily Bryant, the lady he stupidly endangered during that carjacking.
Leland Dudek, the low-level guy promoted to Social Security administrator after praising DOGE, resigned after it came out that he followed Kristi Noem’s order to breach Social Security databases and classify thousands of people with Hispanic-sounding names as dead.
As for the rest of the DOGE minions, some went back to Musk’s mothership companies from which they came. And about 45 remain, still working for the government they aspire to destroy, the chainsawing now the purview of Russ Vought.
RIP. 🪦
[Reuters archive link / Ars Technica / New York Times archive link / New Yorker archive link / WSJ gift link / Politico / Washington Post archive link]
Remember Elon saying he was going to slash $2 trillion out of the US budget, and when questioned about why it was really zero savings if you added in the cost of fixing all his fuckups and re-hiring everyone he fired without knowing what they did, Elon called anyone who doubted him an NPC? Yeah, he really showed them. May he die poor.
DOGE has crossed over the Rainbow Bridge to Hell.