Sitting On A Cornflake, Waiting For The Van To Come. Wonkette News One-A-Day, July 16, 2026
No, the Beatles aren’t in the news, but we couldn’t come up with a headline, so you get semi-random ‘I am the Walrus” lyrics, you elementary penguins.
Hey, there was a bunch of news today, too, goo-goo-ga-choob.
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The day began like any other, with our morning Tabs news roundup, and adorable Lynx babbies.
RFK Jr. wanted to spend $5 billion to “prove” there’s a link between vaccines and autism (there is none), but saner heads prevailed, a phrase that is seldom written about anyone in the Trump administration.
Pete Hegseth wants only the fiercest raging warriors, so he’s going to test the testosterone levels of everyone in the military if they’re over 30. Does that include women? Nobody knows for sure, but why not? America is just one big Twitter thread now.
Jay Clayton, Trump’s nominee to be director of national intelligence, tried to bluff his way through his confirmation hearing. That was a poor strategy, Jay!
Tom Homan says the ICE shootings will continue until morale improves, or until ICE runs out of bullets.
Donald Trump wants everyone in America to watch him lie some more about the 2020 election and why we can’t trust democracy anymore, and it will be awful. Join us to watch a livestream of commuter trains in Tokyo, Japan instead.
That’s all for now! We’ll be back in the morning to keep track of the unfolding stupid apocalypse as it, uh, unfolds! We love you.
Back at ya Doc!
The man in the crowd with the multicolored mirrors
On his hobnail boots
Lying with his eyes while his hands are busy
Working overtime
Is Stephen Miller the Eggman?
More pressing question: At the end of "I Am the Walrus," amid the orchestral arrangement and a host of voices chanting, "Everybody's fucked up!" (which makes it the perfect song for our place and time), you can hear actors read a couple of lines from Shakespeare. Which play are they doing? IYKYK.