Wonkette Hereby Grants Markwayne Mullin Permission To Do This One (1) Shit-Beating

If he chooses violence with Matt Gaetz, we are probably physically unable we mean unwilling to stop him.

Dec 15, 2023

We all have fond memories of the time Republican Oklahoma Senator and extremely easily angered Yosemite Sam impersonator Markwayne Mullin spent an entire week stomping his little feet all over Washington because the head of the Teamsters Union made him so mad. He tried to beat that guy up in a Senate hearing. Bernie Sanders was like Jesus Fucking Christ, and stopped it.

He said he was willing to bite the Teamsters guy in a fight. Seemed kinda gay to the Teamsters guy. Mullin said he lost all control of himself with that Teamsters guy because that’s “Oklahoma values.” Explains a lot about a state whose entire mission in life is proving it’s not just a Pomeranian humping Texas’s face.

But now Markwayne Mullin is feuding with GOP Rep. Matt Gaetz, and everybody hates Matt Gaetz, including us, so we are just saying that if things were to escalate and Markwayne Mullin chose violence, we doubt we’d be able to stop him, due to ~~Markwayne Mullin is so virile and strong~~ we don’t care.

It’s not a very exciting fight. Matt Gaetz is mad at Mullin for making money on stocks while serving as a US senator. Mullin is very sensitive about this, just as he was when the Teamsters guy suggested he’s not a self-made man.

(He got his plumbing business from his daddddddddy. FYI. Not saying he hasn’t done anything with it or his other businesses, but like many people worth many millions of dollars, he’s not exactly “self-made.” OH NO, MARKWAYNE! DON’T HIT US WITH THE HITTIN’ STICK FER SAYIN’ SO! Dumb redneck.)

Anyway, it started Wednesday afternoon when Gaetz retweeted a thing about how much Mullin’s net worth has grown since 2018. (Like by five times.) Gaetz said, “We should pass a ban on trading stocks!”

As criticisms go, that’s light, and on the Matt Gaetz dickishness scale, that’s literally a zero. You may even agree with him. Or you may not. Either way, it’s fine. There’s a conversation to be had.

But again, Markwayne Mullin is very very very very very sensitive, due to his Oklahoma values.

So he replied Thursday morning:

I hear @RepMattGaetz has criticism of hard-earned success — he should try building a business that gains value, it’s more gratifying than living off your daddy’s money.

OK on the one hand, he’s not wrong about Gaetz. On the other hand, again, Mullin’s not that self-made. And on yet another hand, lighten up, you fucking “Looney Tunes” character.

In response, Gaetz re-sent the graphic that showed how much Mullin’s net worth has grown, and added, “The only thing I criticized were your stock trades while a member of congress. I want to ban those trades. You cashed in and made millions.” Which we hate to say is a valid response.

But again, Mullin is an extremely sensitive boy. Perhaps having that $63 million net worth while calling oneself a small business owner, combined with how it was his daddy’s business, is a sore spot. And what a lucky duck he is that he’s been able to grow his value so much as a senator! What a lucky, lucky duck!

Newsweek details some of Gaetz’s and Mullin’s history of hating each other:

The Oklahoma Republican made headlines in October when he accused Gaetz of making a lewd remark about South Dakota Governor Kristi Noem's appearance when he first met her. In a Newsmax interview, Mulling put Gaetz on blast, saying he called Noem a "fine b****" when she had been a congresswoman. He also accused Gaetz of joking about having to "sell [his] constituents catheters" before interviews, in reference to the older demographic of his supporters
In another interview with CNN, Mullin claimed that before he got married, Gaetz would send other lawmakers videos of "girls he had slept with" on the House floor and that Gaetz "bragged about how he would crush [erectile dysfunction] medicine and chase it with an energy drink so he could go all night."

Oh yes, we had forgotten that it was Mullin who told the stories of Gaetz pounding boner pills and Four Loko! Now we remember.

Oh well, probably the only way to solve this is for them to take it outside. Far be it from us to interfere. And if anvils fall on both of their heads while their chickenfight runs right off a cliff, well that’s just comedy gold.

[Newsweek]

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