Hi, I'm The Matt Gaetz Ethics Report And I'm So Awful That I May Never See The Light Of Day
Even Republicans want to get their hands on me! REPUBLICANS!
How do you do, Wonkette? I’m the House Ethics Committee Report On Matt Gaetz, and I’d love to tell you everything I know about that over-Botoxed ALLEGED kiddie diddler.
Unfortunately, House Speaker Mike Johnson is trying to keep the committee from releasing me to the public. He’s going down this road because the allegations I contain are so lurid, and Johnson, who is a godly man, does not want to coarsen the nation’s public discourse any more than it has already been coarsened over the last few decades.
Ha ha ha, psych! He’s actually trying to keep me from being released on the off chance that I imperil Gaetz’s confirmation to be Attorney General in Donald Trump’s new administration. You wouldn’t think anything would be a bridge too far for the GOP these days, but even a few of the normally quiescent Senate Republicans have indicated they are kinda squeamish about making a guy who allegedly committed statutory rape the nation’s chief law officer.
Weird time for Republicans to finally dust off the spines they apparently buried in the bottom of their closets around 2015, but there you go.
Here’s a little recap for you: The Ethics Committee had been investigating Congressman Receding Hairline for many months. You may have read something about the allegations: that Gaetz had been involved in sex trafficking of underage girls, that he used drugs, that he engaged in favor-trading, and all sorts of other stuff that I may or may not contain, but am legally bound to not tell you.
Gaetz has denied everything, especially the stories of how he and his thirtysomething buddies groomed and passed around teenage girls like they were six-packs of Miller High Life. One girl in particular was all of 17 when Gaetz allegedly had sex with her during a wild drug- and booze-soaked party at a lobbyist’s house that was allegedly attended by a whole slew of teenage girls that the thirtysomething bros picked off like vultures dive-bombing a wildebeest carcass.
I’m not saying anything out of school, though. This stuff about the sex parties and the trafficking has all been reported before. There were documents from a lawsuit related to the case that were released by a federal court in September. The Ethics Committee investigation has never been a secret.
So if all this is public and Johnson is still trying to suppress me, imagine what I contain. I must be baaaaaaaaaddddddd! Imagine all the stories of underage sex and snorted Viagra that might reside in my pages!
Do I perhaps contain the testimony of the 17-year-old girl Gaetz has repeatedly denied boinking, or of a witness who claims to have seen Gaetz boinking that 17-year-old girl? I can neither confirm nor deny that either the girl or this witness testified to the Ethics Committee. That would be unethical.
Gaetz has tried everything to make this mess disappear. He has publicly trashed the committee in an effort to gin up MAGA rage at its members. He has tried to attribute the whole thing to a vendetta by the Biden administration. A couple of months ago he huffily announced in a letter that he would no longer cooperate with its investigation, which he compared to the sort of thing that Stalin might have unleashed on Soviet dissidents.
Also, one of his friends in Florida who was involved in a lawsuit related to the case petitioned the court to destroy records, including eyewitness accounts to the sexxxy sex party on the grounds that “the public interest is not served” by releasing them. The judge in the case is apparently unmoved by the argument.
When none of that worked, Gaetz tried something even less smooth. He knew I was set to be released on Friday. So on Wednesday, after Trump announced he would nominate Gaetz to be Attorney General, Mr. Sniffles resigned his congressional seat, thereby placing him out of the reach of the Ethics Committee. He presumably knows that the committee isn’t going to release a report on a former member of the House.
So now he’s a former member and all the bad stuff can go away, is I guess at least part of the “thinking” here? Like I said, smooth. Even John Cornyn wasn’t fooled.
The Committee was going to meet Friday to decide if I would be released. Then they cancelled the meeting. Then Johnson, who had been down at Mar-a-Lago on Thursday sucking up to the sentient tangerine the American people in their wisdom have decided to return to the presidency, came back to Washington DC and said this, according to CNN:
“I’m going to strongly request that the Ethics Committee not issue the report because that is not the way we do things in the House, and I think that would be a terrible precedent to set,” Johnson told reporters on Friday.
This was a complete reversal of what Johnson said before he met with Trump, when he told reporters that the Speaker of the House does not get involved with the Ethics Committee, for reasons that are even more obvious now than they were two days ago.
One irony is that I doubt many in Gaetz’s party would mind if I got released. Republicans of all stripes really hate him. I mean, they haaaaaaate that guy. Markwayne Mullin, one of the senators who will be voting on his confirmation, trashed him on camera a couple of months ago by telling stories of Gaetz walking around the House floor showing off pictures of his sexual conquests. And Mullin is no one’s idea of a waffling moderate.
Also this week, Ben Domenech — BEN DOMENECH! The founder of The Federalist! Historically as annoyingly wingnutty as any wingnut out there! — devoted a piece on his Substack to calling Gaetz a “sex trafficking drug addicted piece of shit” who “smells like overexposed Axe Body Spray and stale Astroglide.”
And those were just two of the first four sentences in his piece. Suffice to say the post did not get more complimentary to Gaetz from there.
No, those people might be thrilled if Gaetz’s nomination for AG crashes. Not only is he out of the House, but he’s out of Washington DC altogether. At least until he gets hired as a lobbyist.
I don’t know what happens next. I really don’t. Republican senators want to get their hands on me before Gaetz’s confirmation hearing. Someone could leak me to Wonkette, or to some other less reputable journalism outlet. I’ve seen some wishes on social media that a member of the Ethics Committee read me into the Congressional Record, thus making me public for all time. That would be fun! I’d be eternal then, immortal, haunting Gaetz forever like a bad case of syphilis.
[CNN / Rolling Stone]
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Republicans: “DEI means shoehorning in unqualified government hires!”
Also Republicans: “Vetting of this administration’s cabinet hires is completely unnecessary.”
Once Gaetz bails Trump can nominate Ken Paxton and he'll seem acceptable by comparison.