Ho Ho Ho, Merry Almost-Christmas, We May See That Matt Gaetz Report After All!
You know you want to.
In a wig-flipping reversal, CNN is reporting that the House Ethics Committee secretly voted earlier this month to release the report on former congressman and apparent Botox aficionado Matt Gaetz after all, and it’s expected to public after the House’s final day of votes this year, which appears to be … tomorrow?!
Does that mean Marjorie Taylor Greene is going to drop the dime on all those sexual harassment and assault claims/boner orgy potlucks paid for by taxpayers that she claims to have been covering up so far? Can’t wait!
Or will Matt Gaetz personally do it himself, as he is also now threatening? Oh do it, do it, do it!
Well, whoa if true!
We already have some idea about what might be in that Gaetz report, based on how much has already oozed out so far. Boy are we about to type “allegedly” a lot!
You already know about the alleged sex parties, and alleged sex with at least one underage girl, or as the law would call that, statutory rape, allegedly. There’s an alleged video of one of his young girlfriends naked hula-hooping, that he allegedly showed around to other haw-hawing gross pigs in Congress. And reportedly there’s even more party-poon bucks spent than we’d already heard about before, including $10,000 to two women he flew to New York to motorboat his receding hairline and caress his greasy pompadour. He also allegedly paid for them to travel and have sex with them 10 to 15 times, or as the law calls it, sex trafficking, allegedly. Hey, remember that time he was the one person in the House who voted against a human trafficking bill?
Also, allegedly, Gaetz used his “adopted son” Nestor Galban's PayPal for transactions of this type. What a naughty “daddy”! Will we finally learn what the deal is with Nestor, who by the way actually has a whole-ass living father? Party planner? Human catfish? Just what is the story there?
And of course there’s drugs, drugs, drugs! According to a sworn affidavit in a civil lawsuit against Gaetz that was later dropped, Gaetz and the kiddies were drinking alcohol, smoking pot, and wacked out on cocaine and ecstasy too. Just the guy Trump wanted for attorney general, to go after all the meanies who hurt Trump’s feelings at the DOJ.
There were emojis, oh so many cringey emojis, love hotel, kiss, ice cream! And an empty Costco-size box of "Bareskin" Trojan condoms in his office trash can. This is the worst advent calendar of all time!
Gaetz lost his seat in Florida when he accepted the AG job that he then withdrew from. Now he’s got a talk show on OANN lined up, because people just love looking at his face. And if you’ve got “$325+” you can have him record a Cameo of decorating tips for your MAGA uncle.
Gaetz swears he never did the underage statutory rape thing, though partying too hard? He is guilty of that! Too much weekend? Too many times! He posted on Xitter:
I was charged with nothing: FULLY EXONERATED. Not even a campaign finance violation. And the people investigating me hated me.
Then, the very “witnesses” DOJ deemed not-credible were assembled by House Ethics to repeat their claims absent any cross-examination or challenge from me or my attorneys. I’ve had no chance to ever confront any accusers. I’ve never been charged. I’ve never been sued. [...]
In my single days, I often sent funds to women I dated - even some I never dated but who asked. I dated several of these women for years. I NEVER had sexual contact with someone under 18. Any claim that I have would be destroyed in court - which is why no such claim was ever made in court.
My 30’s were an era of working very hard - and playing hard too.
It’s embarrassing, though not criminal, that I probably partied, womanized, drank and smoked more than I should have earlier in life. I live a different life now.
TL;DR: Sorry for party rockin’! He didn’t pay women for sex, he just had sex with them and gave them money, not for sex, see? Correlation does not equal causation, of sex!
The GOP’s been howling that Matt Gaetz is a private citizen now, so none of this is anybody’s business, unlike Hunter Biden’s dong, which ought to be as unregulated as a public utility. But come on, Democrats get so few treats these days!
Still, we’ve gotten our hopes up and dashed too many times before, so we are cynically holding off on buttering our popcorn for now. But maybe, just maybe, for Christmas we will hear the ding-dong of Matt Gaetz’s little jingleballs.
And with that image in your head, we will OPEN THREAD you.
I heard two random screams outside but it wasn't scared screams. It sounded like someone standing on their balcony letting off some steam. Wait a minute, was that me?
No it wasn't, but I think it's a great idea that will be put to future use.
Who else loves Maru? https://substack.com/@ziggywiggy/note/c-82124505?utm_source=notes-share-action&r=2knfuc