It's Your 2023 Hot Ladies Calendar But Of Stories Not Hot Ladies Because Some Of Them Are Marjorie Taylor Greene!
Welcome to the Thunderdome.
Hello! Hi there! Willkommen, bienvenue, wahlcome! Today is the day we shoot a bunch of “year in” posts at you from noon to midnight! Usually Evan starts us off with the top 10 stories of the year, but we no longer have apples to apples analytics because Google did some weird shit this year, so now we’re doing a Hot Ladies calendar … of stories!
Get ready to count … up … the top story from each month, as chosen by whether or not Smartnews chose to feature it on its read all the news on your phone when you are bored app, because that is usually what happened.
Let’s go!
JANUARY!
I'm Marjorie Taylor Greene And I Would Like To Apologize To The Jews For That Space Laser Thing
Hi, I’m Marjorie Taylor Greene, and I made a mistake. The space lasers are actually Episcopalian. Oh boy do I have egg on my face. Partly because of this and partly because I’ve been eating my favorite, eggs over easy, with my hands. Forks are just so complicated, you know?
FEBRUARY!
Trump Is A Filthy A-Hole. His Lawyers Hope Jurors In Carroll Defamation Case Never Find Out About It.
Donald Trump may be the world's worst client, what with his propensity to get his counsel sanctioned or forced to testify to a federal grand jury. (Or in the case of Trump's sparklemagic lawyer Alina Habba, both.) But it's just possible that the former president may be even worse as a witness.
MARCH!
Sounds Like Somebody Should Investigate Congressional Hunter Biden Enthusiast GOP Rep. James Comer
We feel like it was just five seconds ago that we saw Republican House Oversight Committee Chair James Comer on the teevee babbling conspiracy theory shit about Hunter Biden and Ukraine and Joe Biden and prosecutors that was debunked YEARS AGO during Donald Trump's first impeachment.
APRIL!
Tucker Carlson Finally Managed To Do Something So Filthy It Squicked Out Rupert Murdoch
Less than a week after Fox News agreed to write Dominion Voting Systems a $787.5 million check to settle its defamation claims, the network unceremoniously kicked Tucker Carlson to the curb . Looks like he'll be tanning his testicles in the private sector for the immediate future.
MAY!
Kyrsten Sinema May Talk Like A Jerk, Act Like A Jerk But Don’t Be Fooled, She Really Is A Jerk
Good news, everyone! Sen. Kyrsten Sinema from the Sinema Party is ready to greet her less-than-adoring public. She famously doesn’t talk much to the press. However, she’s up for re-election next year and her approval rating has flatlined.
JUNE!
Rudy Giuliani Explains To Jack Smith All The [TRUMP] Reasons [TRUMP] He Should Not Be Charged [TRUMP]
![Rudy Giuliani Explains To Jack Smith All The [TRUMP] Reasons [TRUMP] He Should Not Be Charged [TRUMP]](https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_1300,h_650,c_fill,f_webp,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep,g_auto/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2Ff52b766f-ca33-45ca-bede-d29c43faa09c_600x307.png)
Rudy Giuliani is not known for his his good judgment. The former prosecutor's shenanigans contributed to both of Donald Trump's impeachments, after Rudy spent all of 2019 traipsing around Ukraine in search of dirt on Joe and Hunter Biden, then devoted himself in late 2020 and early 2021 to overturning the results of the election.
JULY!
Trump Judge Tells Government To Shut Its Mouth Or He'll Shut It For 'Em
US District Judge Terry Doughty will save the First Amendment if he has to slap a prior restraint on speech that covers the entire federal government. In fact, he more or less did just that in a batshit crazy injunction that blocks the Biden administration from communicating with the social media platforms.
AUGUST!
LIVE: Republican Debate Or Criminal Arraignment? In America We Don't Have To Choose!
Hello, patriots! Fox News is having some kind of live fascist masturbation contest and we are liveblogging it. Will one of the people in the picture above be your next president? Is that who is debating tonight? Let’s go with “sure” and “why not.” Never in American history has a political event mattered less.
SEPTEMBER!
Hunter Biden's Penis Must Resign The Presidency! Your Make-Believe Biden Impeachment Liveblog!
Gooooooood morning! Should we fucking DO THIS? House Oversight Committee Chair James Comer has promised no new evidence against the Bidens, and the cheapest hack in all of DC, Jonathan Turley, is testifying for the Republicans! JINGLE JANGLE JINGLE JANGLE BANJO BANJO STRUUUUUUUUUMMMMMMMMMMMM! James Comer is in session, y’all!
OCTOBER!
NOVEMBER!
Trump Says '2024 Is Our Final Battle,' Wonder What He Means This Time!
It is still such a mystery what Donald Trump would do with a second term, aside from his obsessive need to tell us every five seconds. He’s speaking ever more clearly in literal actual Nazi cadences about the how we “will root out the Communists, Marxists, Fascists, and Radical Left Thugs that live like vermin within the confines of our Country.”
DECEMBER!
Conservative Women Surprised To Learn What Patriarchy Looks Like, Part 74,388,927
Over the last few years, conservatives have become a little confused about what it is they actually believe, versus what they pretend to believe in for the sake of “owning the libs.” They’ve been forced to pretend to take the side of “free speech” to protect racists and other bigots from the consequences of the things they say …
And there you have it, the top story of each month, mostly chosen by whether Smartnews sent it to its users or not! See you in an hour, suckers!
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The top personal things this year:
1) Cancer surgery and recovery. I guess that's a big deal and needs to be at the top.
2) One year car-free.
3) Built a cool suitcase.
4) Started buying watches for fun.
5) Collected art sculptures
6) Made new friends.
Next year plans:
1) Continue working on recovering from cancer
2) Visit a dentist
3) Get back into shape
4) More fly fishing
5) More travel (out west and east) plan for a Nepal hike in '25