ALAN DERSHOWITZ IS NOT A DEMOCRAT ANYMORE, HAPPY NOW?
Taking his panties and going home.
Alan Dershowitz has written a letter to the Wall Street Journal. He has become a Republican.
Yes, we know, with the way he is always whining about how nobody wants to invite his naked distended ballsack over for dinner on Martha’s Vineyard, they way they are cancel culturing him from his hard-earned right to enjoy dumplings at the farmer’s market, how he thinks the town librarian is a real breath of fresh poot; with how he was Jeffrey Epstein’s lawyer but he suh-wears he kept his panties on during that massage at Jeffrey’s house; with how he is on Fox News every four seconds bitching about something; and with the way he hasn’t rested his jaw for a minute in the past decade defending white fascist little baby Hitler wannabe Donald Trump, we know many of you probably assumed he was a Republican already.
You were wrong.
Haven’t you heard every time Alan Dershowitz speaks he’s always like “I am a liberal Democrat, and even I, Alan Dershowitz, the most liberal Democrat, support [insert sick Trump traitor behavior here]”? Or “I, Alan Dershowitz, am a card-carrying member of the I Have Met Hillary Clinton Club, and even I agree that there is a witch hunt against Trump”?
It’s at least 72 percent of his personality, at least until right now.
For the better part of a decade, it’s been the entire premise of his whining and bitching and whining and bitching and whining and whining and bitching and bitching and moaning and yelping and babbling on and on and on and on and on and on about how the Democrats at Martha’s Vineyard banned his nudist penis from their brunch gatherings, the Jewish Democrats of Martha’s Vineyard did that to him, Larry David punched him in the scrote at the general store, that mean librarian won’t let him read from his brilliant books at the library, even though HE ALAN DERSHOWITZ ALWAYS SELLS OUT THE FREE SERIES AT THE LIBRARY, EVERYBODY KNOWS HIS NAME, ALAN DERSHOWITZ.
Alan Dershowitz has always been a Democrat. He was in fact the most well-known Democrat in America. He was the president of Democrats, and also a client. And that’s why it’s so earthshaking that Alan Dershowitz has written an “It’s not me, it’s you” letter to the Democrats in the Wall Street Journal, where he explained that he’s not a Democrat anymore, because look what you made him do.
Shall we?
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Here we go:
I am a lifelong Democrat. I started campaigning for the party’s local candidates as a teenager in Brooklyn, N.Y., have been a registered Democrat for 67 years, made speeches for John F. Kennedy as a college student, and can count on one hand the number of Republicans I’ve ever supported for any office.
And that hand is sticky.
Anyway, what Alan Dershowitz is saying is that he is very old.
I still disagree strongly with the GOP on abortion, the separation of church and state, immigration, healthcare and taxes, among other things. Yet I’ve decided to bite the bullet and register as a Republican.
OK.
The Democratic Party has become the most anti-Israel party in U.S. history. Last week all but seven Senate Democrats voted for an arms embargo against the Jewish state,
Oh for fuck’s sake. The fact that more Democratic senators than ever are at last giving side-eye to American funding and participation in thug authoritarian Benjamin Netanyahu’s latest expansionist adventures means they all hate the very existence of Israel now. Cool. Guess we’re doing that.
(Don’t start fights in the fucking comments, this is a making fun of Alan Dershowitz post, that is what we are doing today.)
and an avowed enemy of Israel, Abdul El-Sayed, is gaining ground in the Democratic campaign for U.S. senator from Michigan.
Alan Dershowitz saw that they’ve allowed another Muslim to participate in American politics, and Alan Dershowitz is not OK with that.
Anyway — we are not excerpting this entire thing — Alan Dershowitz says being “anti-Israel” is mainstream for Democrats now. He says, “Republicans have their own antisemitic fringe, but for now it remains a fringe.” Note how he uses the words interchangeably.
Also it’s kind of weird, since Donald Trump is just about the most antisemitic president in recent American history, consistently, angrily telling American Jews that they’re ungrateful, that they don’t say “thank you” to him enough, blaming them for not “admiring” him, saying if they don’t vote for him, then they hate their religion. Alan Dershowitz knows this, because here he is way back in 2022 when he was a Democrat, defending Trump’s antisemitism.
Meanwhile, Trump’s administration is collecting lists of Jews in the name of “fighting antisemitism,” using “fighting antisemitism” as a cynical tool to silence free speech on campuses and everywhere else while protecting literally zero Jewish people, using “fighting antisemitism” as their catchall excuse for punishing people who speak out against the Trump regime, people who don’t share the white Christian nationalist goals of sick fucks like Mike Huckabee, while completely excusing antisemitism as long as it comes from Trump’s white nationalist Christian supporters. You know, like the Nazis he likes to invite to dinner at Mar-a-Lago.
Trump and MAGA Republicans don’t love Jews, they cynically and obviously use Jews. And they only like the Jews they believe are the good ones, AKA those who share their Christian fascist goals. As Jerry Nadler said last year in the context of Trump’s attacks on universities, “Trump obviously doesn’t give a damn about antisemitism, this is just an expression of his authoritarianism.” Evergreen fucking statement.
Anyway, here is Alan Dershowitz’s panty-festo against the Democrats:
I intend to work hard to prevent the Democrats from gaining control of the House and Senate, and I urge those who share my concerns about the increasing influence of radicalism in the Democratic Party to vote, campaign and contribute for continued Republican control of Congress. I will contribute money to Republican candidates, campaign for them, make speeches at Republican events, and urge pro-Israel Americans to change party affiliation or at least vote against Democrats. Until something changes, I will vote Republican for representative, senator and president.
We’re sure noted influencer Alan Dershowitz is going to move all kinds of needles with this announcement.
I wish I could designate myself as a “foreign-policy Republican,” but there’s no such option, so I have to go whole hog.
Look what you made Alan Dershowitz do.
By registering as a Republican rather than an independent, maybe I can have some influence on moving some Republican policies toward the center.
We’re sure he’ll be just as effective of an opinion-maker for the Republicans as he’s been for the Republicans Democrats all these years.
I have given up on trying to change the Democratic Party.
We will miss his efforts.
If the Democrats pay a heavy electoral price, perhaps they’ll wise up and move back to the center, where I (and others) could rejoin it. I don’t know if that is a realistic possibility, but it’s worth a try.
Oh wow, that “(and others)” is doing a lot of hard work in that sentence. Are “(and others)” in the room with us right now? Can Alan Dershowitz see them? Are they the ones who attend his now-banned sold out free concerts at the Martha’s Vineyard library?
In summary and in conclusion, this is the greatest loss for Democrats since John Fetterman became a Republican oh wait he hasn’t done that yet?
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Speaking as the world's sexiest librarian, I can say, with great authority, that no library is required to allow you to do a reading, ever.
Dersh's screed is very Principal Skinner "no, it's the children that are wrong" coded.