2025: The Year The USA Got Infected With Both Measles And Robert F. Kennedy Jr.
One could cause hearing and vision loss, the other may make you pray for them.
One thing that has certainly kept us (me, because I am a glutton for punishment) busy this year has been all the madness coming from Robert F. Kennedy Jr., who has managed to not only threaten our lives by ending life-saving vaccine mandates and bringing back diseases that had previously been mostly eradicated but to also gross us all the fuck out on an astonishingly regular basis.
Incredibly, the story about him driving around with the severed head of a beached whale was only the beginning when it came to the latter. Who would have thought such a thing were even possible?
So let’s take a look back at the year that threatened to bring back polio.
Secretary Brainworms kicked off the year as expected, by skipping an important Health and Human Services meeting in order to spend more time walking the halls of Congress trying to convince people to vote for him to lead Health and Human Services.
And, unfortunately for us all, it actually worked! He even convinced Bill Cassidy, an actual doctor (though a Republican), to vote for him by swearing to high heaven that he wouldn’t go after vaccines or only appoint anti-vaccine wackos to important committees — a promise he broke just as soon as he was given the chance.
To be fair, it was very stupid of Cassidy to believe/pretend to believe him about that. Like, “Susan Collins believing Gorsuch and Kavanaugh wouldn’t overturn Roe v. Wade” levels of stupid.
Especially considering …
Do you find that a tad depressing? Well, too bad, because not long after RFK Jr. was confirmed, Trump put out an executive order “Establishing The President’s Make America Healthy Again Commission,” in which he explicitly noted that the new HHS will “assess the prevalence of and threat posed by the prescription of selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors, antipsychotics, mood stabilizers, stimulants, and weight-loss drugs” — one “threat” being the popular MAHA theory that SSRIs, not guns, are the reason we have so many school shootings.
Luckily for all of our mental health, it doesn’t seem like they have gotten around to that yet.
February also brought us the first measles death in a decade, which did not particularly concern RFK Jr., as he remained pretty sure it can be cured easily with Vitamin A and crystals anyway.
By April, we’d have another.
By July, we’d have the highest measles rate since the disease was first declared eradicated in 2000. Clearly, a resounding success!
Measles deaths were not the only deaths that RFK Jr. wasn’t so bothered by. Despite being a former heroin addict himself, he went and cut a program meant to distribute NARCAN and train people in how to use it. Because, hey! If people die, they die.
But back to those vaccines! In May, our man did a town hall in which he explained that the Mennonites were opposed to vaccines because of all of the aborted fetus debris they think is in them.
What a weird thing to not bother to correct people about! Do they also believe that Kentucky Fried Chicken had to change their name to KFC because their meat came from mutant chickens that couldn’t legally be called chickens? Because that’s about on the same level as “aborted fetus debris” in the vaccines.
Also in May, Jr. insisted that a variety of conditions — like ADHD, transgender people, autism, etc. — were not real on the grounds that he hadn’t heard about them as a kid. You know, a kid from a family that very famously gave his aunt a lobotomy, sent her away to a mental institution, and never told anyone what happened to her?
Throughout the year, things just kept getting better and better.
It would be difficult to top the disgust most normal people would feel at RFK Jr.’s handling of the HHS and, you know, everything else — were it not for the blowjob poetry he sent to journalist Olivia Nuzzi, with whom he was having a sextual affair.
I could have sworn I wrote about the blowjob poetry because I explicitly remember thinking about how to write about the blowjob poetry knowing that my dad will be reading whatever I write about RFK Jr.’s terrible blowjob, but it turns out I did not!
So let’s drop it here, shall we? (Dad, please click out of the post now! Thank you!)
Via Huffington Post:
“Yr open mouth awaiting my harvest,” Kennedy is said to have written via text message. “Drink from me Love.”
The message reportedly went on, “I mean to squeeze your cheeks to force open your mouth. I’ll hold your nose as you look up at me to encourage you to swallow. ‘Dont spill a drop’. I am a river You are my canyon. I mean to flow through you. I mean to subdue and tame you. My Love.”
Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. I know I should be more horrified by the whole “definitely going to kill a whole lot of people” thing than I am by that, and I am, but I must say that the word “harvest” is ruined for me forever. It’s right up there with “moist” and “belly” now.
Sadly, if there is anything we can count on (other than that Cheryl Hines will not be invited to join any Curb Your Enthusiasm reboot in the future), it is that Robert F. Kennedy Jr. will make 2026 even more gross (and deadly!) than 2025. Hooray?
A family member contracted polio in 1952. One arm and hand are still completely paralyzed; the rest of their limbs sort-of work. And they now deal with the ugly cosmic joke called Post-Fucking-Polio Syndrome. (It really is a thing - you can look it up.)
RFKJr makes me so incandescently angry I could froth at the mouth. I hate him and his fellow travelers and anti-vaxxers with the heat of the surface of a thousand suns.
oh, and fuck his skinny tie affectation, also and too